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Darkest Secrets—Story Contest

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Cozmic

Cozmic

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Judge C: Hmm, I was quite interested by this entry for some reason. Admittedly, I don't like these types of stories and as such it was incredibly difficult to keep me from skipping parts of the story, but that's just me. It has a good plot for a short story as well - I think you executed that brilliantly. Your use of vocabulary is neither limited nor is it used so often that you struggle with the definitions, if you know what I mean. As in, you use some good vocabulary such as 'surreptitiously' but you don't use those kind of words in every sentence. (3.6/5)

05-Aug-2012 22:52:48

Cozmic

Cozmic

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---------- HereticEthos ----------
Judge A: There are a few grammatical errors in this piece. Most notably, I think the ellipsis in the first stanza is a bit unnecessary and it disrupts the flow of the line. You also confuse “there,” “their,” and “they're” at least one time in the piece. I think the lack of punctuation at the end of each line makes knowing when to pause a challenge; consequently, it makes some potentially powerful lines lose their emphasis. For me, the free verse style of the poem makes its flow a little choppy; however, I did notice you decide to keep an even metre in some places, which I appreciated. In a not-so-grammatically-oriented light, the theme of the poem seems only slightly linked to the theme of the contest, which confused me slightly. Nevertheless, it is very clear that you are a passionate poet, and that you have a great deal of potential and talent. In the future, try to keep an even metre throughout either coupled lines or a particular stanza. It makes reading the poem less choppy. Try to punctuate lines, as well as watch your grammar and spelling. Try to stay truer to a contest's theme, as well. And, of course, keep practicing. Thank you for an interesting read! (1.9/5)
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Judge B: The ideas behind this piece were thoughtful yet, perhaps, controversial.
I liked the way you strongly conveyed the opposing sides (religion and science) and emphasised the destruction that is the result of a secret escaping. However, it felt a bit "choppy" to me, as if you went from closely looking at one thing to then exaggerating it and expanding on another thing entirely ("deaths, killings and missiles&quot ;) .
Be weary of the incorrect noun form in line 2, it should be the pronoun "their" instead of "there".

05-Aug-2012 22:57:46

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The metre was irregular, and some lines were heavy in syllabic length, which weakened the effectiveness of them. Furthermore, there was no set rhyme scheme, yet it was not free verse either as stanza 2 featured rhyming couplets in an AABB scheme. It is essential that a poem is consistent in its style.
For me, this had potential and if it had been better executed, I have no doubt it would have been brilliant. I think had you done the simple things and tried not to make it as grand, you would have scored higher. Good job, nonetheless. (3.4/5)
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Judge C: Another poem... You had a few grammar/spelling mistakes throughout the piece, with one on the second line. I'm not sure whether this was intentional or not (I am not a poet) but you don't seem to have a rhyming structure anywhere. In the second stanza, you had the first two lines rhyming, but in the other verses you did not. In the first stanza, you had the second and third lines rhyming, but that occurs nowhere else in the poem. My other problem is that it didn't have a very good rhythm to it; other lines were longer than others and as such broke the flow. However, you did have an all-round good idea for the poem. (2.3/5)

05-Aug-2012 22:58:42

Cozmic

Cozmic

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---------- iChuk ----------
Judge A: When I began reading this piece, I was not expecting a story about regicide/patricide, let alone murder. The surprise ending is very powerful; however, I think the shortness of the piece detracts from it somewhat. Because it is so short, your characters seem a bit underdeveloped. Yes, Kevir is saddened, but what was he like *before* the murder? I think if you had shown Kevir's inner conflict both before and after the murder, *then* revealed that the King is his father, you could better evoke emotions in the reader. That said, the story is quite good, and I enjoyed it. I would really love to see this extended into a longer piece. (2.8/5)
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Judge B: This was a captivating, albeit short, story. The beginning had me enchanted immediately; it was like something from a painting: five figures, pausing for self-reflection as they gaze into a changing sky. Pathetic fallacy was pivotal here in establishing the mood of the scene.
The execution was brilliant, because the emotion of the characters (Kevir in particular) is cleverly portrayed and I can definitely draw parallels between real people in our society.
Much like the beginning, the ending was similarly enticing, yet poignant. I did not foresee the dead figure being Kevir's father; this came as a shock, a very effective one, which is another reason why this piece was so well-crafted.
Length did, however, hinder this entry, as it leaves a lot to be answered. Why did he kill his own father? There has to be a very valid reason for him committing such an act on someone we expect him to love greatly.
Regardless, this was still a great entry. Had it been slightly longer, I think more would have clarified. Having said that, I wouldn't want the ending to change, for it was powerful. (4.5/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:01:02

Cozmic

Cozmic

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Judge C: I loved this story. It was very short but I don't think it needed to be longer. When I read this, it seemed as though everything was going at a perfect slow pace - there was no unneeded action or violence. You had perfect grammar and spelling, and your vocabulary was amazing. I would like to see this as a full novel/story if you have the time and if you can make a novel out of such a short piece. (4.7/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:01:31

Cozmic

Cozmic

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---------- Yrolg ----------
Judge A: Let me begin by telling you that I loved reading this story. There are a few occasional, mild typographical errors, but that did not detract from my enjoyment at all. The entire story, I was thinking, “Okay, this fellow has a secret, but what is it?” That alone helped to keep me reading the piece. Then I reached the ending, the very last line. I read it and immediately felt that the floor had been ripped out from underneath me, which – in my opinion – is a great feeling for a writer to create in the reader. You may want to spare a few of the elevated words, though, as it they did slow me down while I read the story. You may also want to avoid putting an extended author's note at the end of the story, as it can tend to ruin a few things about it. (For instance, once I saw the references, I checked an encyclopedia). You needn't spell everything out for the reader; discovering allusions is an enjoyable part of the reading process. That said, I greatly appreciate your references to Greek mythology. This truly was an excellent piece. (4.5)
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Judge B: I enjoyed this entry to a degree: yes, it was well written and made excellent use of figurative language, but at the same time I can't help but feel it lacked that certain "oomph".
The secret was a good one; I enjoyed reading of this man's sorrows before finally discovering he never even told his wife he loved her -- the emotion reeks through this bit and creates a sustained impact on the reader.
There wasn't much variation in your sentences, as most of them were fairly long. I think a few shorter sentences here and there would have made this more effective. The lexis is sophisticated yet a bit too complex at times, and I feel it defers away from the message you're trying to send to the reader, detracting away from the overall emotion of the piece.

05-Aug-2012 23:03:06 - Last edited on 05-Aug-2012 23:21:22 by Cozmic

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I loved the metaphorical elements of this piece. His guilt as being described as "boulders" really emphasises the severity of his state. I also liked the comparison to him and Niobe (the author's notes were helpful here!).
All in all, it is a clever piece, but just not as hard-hitting as I would have liked it to be. The actual idea is effective, but perhaps the plot is weak in comparison with other features of the narrative. I enjoyed it, regardless. (3.8/5)
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Judge C: Wow...Breathtaking. Absolutely breathtaking. Your use of vocabulary was outstanding and it just made me want to read on and on. This is one of the nicest pieces I've ever read. This is only a minor issue, but the vocabulary seemed to smother the actual story. You used it in every single sentence (some of the sentences were run-ons as well) and although I didn't think it was too much, I thought it was a little distracting. This is minor, however. I would give you the full 5 if it was not for that. (4.9/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:03:58

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
---------- Sir Snyder3 ----------
Judge A: There are a few grammatical errors in this piece, but they are trivial at the most. Some of the lines struck me as a bit choppy, but it's nothing severe. The concept of Nazis creating some sort of super-weapon or acquiring some sort of alien artifact is not a hugely original theme; however, you execute it in a creative way. The historical aspect of this piece added to my enjoyment, with your approach to the Dresden bombings certainly adding quality to the ending. (3.5/5)
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Judge B: A well-written entry, with an interesting interpretation of both the theme and the Dresden bombings.
The one confusing thing about this entry was the change in point of narrative. Most of it is first person, and then in the last segment (Jan 6) it changes to third person. Of course, the events of this story still make sense but it just overthrows the reader slightly, and left me questioning what the point was of the inital first person narrative? Usually they are a pivotal character, yet it seemed as if their only purpose was finding the secret, revealing it, and that was it.
I still enjoyed this entry and in terms of execution, it was practically flawless. There isn't all that much else to criticise, well done. (4/5)
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Judge C: I like World War 2 stories; they are very intriguing. You did not use much vocabulary but you used just enough so that it would not get boring using the same words over and over again. The first date at the start of the story had the day and month of my mum's birthday, so I found that a little bit strange yet funny. XD The story in itself is very good, and I am amazed that you were able to fit it into the small amount of space that you had, because this should be a longer story. (3.8/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:06:16

Cozmic

Cozmic

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---------- Azigarath ---------
Judge A: When I first read this story, I was greatly disturbed by the incredible grotesqueness of the imagery. After a second read, more symbolism began to appear. I found the images of the self-devouring judge and the pregnant cavewomen to be well-constructed reflections of people in today's society. The entire piece excellently portrays the world in which we live. In the future, you may want to use slightly less symbolism or emphasize the more important images. This would make future stories easier to understand; however, don't lose the flair you've put into pieces like this. Very well done. (4/5)
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Judge B: This is not for the faint-hearted!
An unusual entry. It's certainly unique in its style, which I suppose is to its own benefit, because the reader feels like they're reading something new; an outlook on an individual concept.
I found it difficult to read, largely due to its lack of plot progression. Incoherency was an issue, and the range in characters (and their sudden deaths) made it difficult to appreciate the story's significance. I see symbolism in this piece, with regard to the church and the ways in which characters die (or more accurately, killed by others). However, it is difficult to pinpoint the exact symbolic priorities you are trying to denote.
A further issue was that I struggled to form a notable connection to this story and its relevance to the competition prompt. The secret is not explicity mentioned and this, I feel, further complicates the nature of this entry. Furthermore, there were times when the gore overpowered the true moral significance of the story, and further harmed the execution.
On the other hand, I found no noticeable grammatical errors and it is written well, allowing its reading to be enhanced. The opening four paragraphs were excellently crafted; had the story have continued in such a fashion, I think it would have attained a much better mark. (2.5/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:08:01 - Last edited on 05-Aug-2012 23:09:38 by Cozmic

Cozmic

Cozmic

Forum Moderator Posts: 16,435 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Judge C: This was a breathtaking piece and it made me want to read on and on. I understood exactly what was happening which was an excellent thing. Your metaphors are lovely and are in all the right places. The best thing about this piece is that unlike the other entries, you have not excelled in one particular aspect, whether it is description, plot or grammar. You gave each an equal amount of attention, and that is why this story overall excelled. Your description, however, is extremely detailed and is not for the faint stomached; this is actually the first time ever I have felt sick reading something. An excellent story! (5/5)

05-Aug-2012 23:10:26

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