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RS Story Contest - Survivor 2

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Rune Woolf
Nov Member 2020

Rune Woolf

Posts: 1,987 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The gigantic hulk of the freighter heaved and groaned as the boiling sea pounded it's aged and rusting hull with a fierce, reckless aggression. The erratic pulse of the waves echoed throughout the stricken vessel like a jumbled rhythm of an unrelenting war drum, the heavy hammering disturbing even the most stalwart of minds. A dark, smothering blanket thrown over the sky concealed the sheer magnitude of the storm, as colossal mountains of churning white water dwarfed the hapless ship with their mighty embrace.

The Captain clutched the railing, squinting into complete darkness, needles of rain pelting his aged hardened face. He had traversed these seas long enough to know when a battle was lost. And this fight was well and truly beyond his grasp. His beloved ship, almost as many winters old as himself, would soon be resigned to a watery grave.

“Cap'n!” Shouted the First Mate, “the crew have managed to isolate the leak, we have gained some time, but not a lot...” He cut off, breathing hard, “we have thirty minutes, at most, before she goes.”

The Captain lowered his head, the deluge of rain swallowing a single tear that slipped unnoticed from the corner of his eye. Not a tear of sadness. But of acceptance.

A solemn grimace cracked the Captain's pursed lips. Somewhere beyond that blackened screen of night, the violent tempest bellowed it's desire to devour all that dared brave it's vengeful fury.

“Prepare the life-rafts.”

* * *

Marching purposefully down the gangway, the Captain barked orders to his scrambling crew. Reaching the lower deck, he could see only a single inflatable life-raft readied for launch. O'Hara watched on, a numb expression upon his soaking face.

“Where's the second raft, O'Hara?” The Captain called over the whistling wind.

The First Mate shook his head, “there is no second raft, Cap'n!”

These simple words hit the Captain harder than any wave could, for he knew that without a second raft, the fate of his crew was bleak.

10-Oct-2011 08:35:13 - Last edited on 10-Oct-2011 08:36:30 by Rune Woolf

Rune Woolf
Nov Member 2020

Rune Woolf

Posts: 1,987 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The raft could hold a maximum of fifteen, maybe pushing it to twenty. But, any more than that and it would sink long before help arrived.

His crew numbered twenty six.

Breathing deeply, the Captain made his decision, “some must stay behind,” he paused,“I will not let all twenty six of my men die...if six men must lose their life for twenty to live...so be it.”

O'Hara stared at his Captain in disbelief, “but the crew won't stand for it! They'd rather all die than see any of their mates left behind!”

“I know,” The Captain replied, softly, “launch the raft, O'Hara. I have trust that you will lead them to safety.” And with that he turned to leave, signalling for five of his men to follow.

“No, Cap'n...” O'Hara pleaded, but the Captain was already gone, followed by his unwitting victims.

*

As the life-raft flopped into the water, twenty men squeezed inside, the Captain watched on from the bridge, a deep sadness filling the pit of his stomach. He had resigned himself to die. To sacrifice the lives of five men, so that the majority would survive.

It was for the greater good, he reassured himself.

Behind him was a locked door.

Trapped inside were five innocent men.

*

Eighteen hours had passed since the vicious storm had reached it's peak, but now it had subsided, the waves reduced to a gentle swell. A search and rescue vessel had come to a halt, plucking a shivering, almost delirious man from the water.

Paramedics rushed to his side, “It's a miracle you're alive...” one of them spoke, “your life-raft was ripped to shreds, no one else alive...I'm sorry.”

The survivor lifted his weary head in response, mumbling in urgent whispers.

*What's that?” Asked the paramedic, concerned. He fumbled around, searching through his kit, “Here, take this...” handing the man a pen and paper.

The lone survivor reached out a quivering hand and scribbled lopsidedly. The paramedic watched, reading out-loud the messy words...

“...not on raft. I... Captain...”

10-Oct-2011 08:35:27 - Last edited on 10-Oct-2011 08:38:51 by Rune Woolf

Vacu Dallah

Vacu Dallah

Posts: 1,887 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh dear gosh lol I see one tiny detail I left out in my entry! darn!! Only one, though! But it is possibly a vital one. I never directly stated where Paula's bone jabbed into Ariel but the effect of it and stating that it did indeed jab and I included no other characters before that is enough to let the reader know it jabbed into Ariel. So its no big deal at all! Still, Darn! :P

10-Oct-2011 20:16:58 - Last edited on 10-Oct-2011 20:24:23 by Vacu Dallah

Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Aeraie: Shocking. This really does bring up the question that revolves around these organized religions. Is there a god? Are all these terrible things really part of his divine plan? I’m not going to talk about my views on religion, as my views really don’t matter when it comes to this contest. Your writing was pretty good, but I would watch out with some of your adjectives. Using the month of September to describe the pavement really doesn’t add anything to the overall story. Other than that, what a great and thought-provoking entry.

Polymath: A purely dialogue based entry. It works well, I must say. The man sounds very foolish and the woman is trying to get him to think in a philosophical manner. Interesting. I’m surprised he wasn’t angry that a woman saved his life. (Those stereotypes are not dead yet, unfortunately.) What impresses me most about this entry, though, is that it questions philosophy itself. That’s very deep, and it makes you think. What is philosophy? Is it worth answering all these questions? Yikes. Great job! It’s a damn shame you were eliminated.

Uppercut41: Of all sentences, make sure the first one isn’t confusing. It’s a huge story deterrent. Correct it to, “As Ariel stepped foot into the ominous, haunting air of the dead-silent grounds, an overwhelming fear took hold of her.” The description of the running ants is worded very poorly, so be careful about that. The second sentence of the second paragraph is a fragment, so watch out for that kind of stuff. There are just structural issues with your entry. You need to watch how you word this stuff. As for the theme, it was quite interesting reading about this. This one questions about god as well. If he is for us, who is against us? Deep question, and it really makes you think. Nice job. Just remember not to sacrifice sentence structure for a good theme.

11-Oct-2011 00:19:58 - Last edited on 11-Oct-2011 22:27:35 by Venmi

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