RuneScape Forum Archive | » The Pineapple Under the Sea

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

">10< people sat in front of monitors in one of the many rooms in Jones mansion, watching the S.W.A.T. teams movements through night-vision equipped security cameras that were cleverly hidden behind, above, and within assorted underbrush and foliage." Same error as above -- can't start a sentence with a number.
"It can withstand >3< consecutive torpedo blasts."
"And so he hired >8< of the most hard-working and commended construction companies on the planet, and paid them extravagant sums to do this." - This should be "three" and "eight."
"He grinned as an idea >snuck< into his mind, and headed >towards< a lifeboat suspended off the side of the deck." - No such word as "snuck"-- should be "sneaked." "Towards" should be "toward."
"'What is >there< Estimated Time of Arrival?'" - "their"
Characters 27/30
You did quite well here, also. You created individual personalities for the characters, and stuck with them. The characters' actions were far more believable than I thought possible in a story about Spongebob.
One problem I had was with Zach. He was pretty overconfident at points -- too overconfident, like where he merely expects Sandy to stop when he points his gun at her. If he's truly been able to keep away from the authorities for so long, with the only trace ever found being a "boot print," he'd be smarter than that. No matter what the situation, it would be no hesitation, bam. Hesitation could be fatal. This would be an essential survival thing for him. I know you are going for suspense and action, but at least have Sandy knock his gun out of his hand by catching him by surprise, not by his unwillingness to kill her at first. Or, you could have Zach attempt to shoot Sandy in a nonfatal spot, since he wants to get information about Sponge Bob's whereabouts from her. With Zach's personality, I don't think simply threatening to shoot fits in. However, that's just my opinion, and Zach is still a pretty credible character.

02-Jan-2008 04:13:51 - Last edited on 02-Jan-2008 04:17:35 by Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Plot Development 25/30
For some reason, perhaps because I hardly ever watch Spongebob, I never suspected Squidward, although it now seems obvious he'd be the one behind the assassination. So that was unexpected for me, and I grinned at the end of the story. You did a good job keeping humor throughout, and making the different events interesting. However, it was too short and snappy for my like, and I feel some things could easily have been expanded on.
The RuneScape part was the part I liked the least. I know you were sort of forced to write it to get the story moved back into "Stories" but it was all sort of weakly based. I don't see how the people would really be fishing with that big hook -- there's nothing on it, so why would anything bite it? The fish and such are not going to come along and trip on coral like Zach did. Also, did ships way back then have "motorized pulleys"?
Writing Style 25/30
Hmm... Well, your writing style was good, but it wasn't stellar. It certainly was effective in getting the overall story across, but I sense that you can do so much better. Try setting the mood with connotative words and increasing the tension of the story with more descriptive and exotic language. Sometimes you did well, but other times, I felt the scene could be more effective if better written. Writing is an art -- it depends not only on the basic picture you're painting, but the colors you choose and the skill with which you put those colors to use.
You *did* do a great job making sure that your writing wasn't awkward, and there weren't very many parts you worded things weirdly.
Some of your writing style errors are listed below.
"Jones was a jolly, rotund man with jowly cheeks and eyes that twinkled with clever and >malicious< intent." "Malicious" doesn't quite fit with the mood here. Try cunning or something more subtle. But it's your choice to change it or not.

02-Jan-2008 04:13:55 - Last edited on 02-Jan-2008 04:22:05 by Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"Nickelsons orders from Chief Officer Smith had been to find Zach Telmar no matter what the cost. ZT, >as they usually referred to him as,< was a professional hit man." Awkward. Try something more to the effect of, "ZT, as they usually referred to him, was a professional hit man."
Description 23/30
As I stated earlier, I felt a little lost sometimes. Describe the setting better in a way that will draw the story out and add to the captivation. Description can also help you smooth out the pace. Also, you didn't describe the main character. I have no idea whether to look at Zach as some nerd with big glasses or some army guy with a buzz cut. Bear in mind to be careful with how you write description. It should be used to set mood and tone -- and in some areas it did -- but in other areas it was a few snappy sentences, after which you quickly proceeded with the story. Finally, the fight scenes seemed rushed, and I couldn't always picture what was happening in them. Make the fighting somewhat more suspenseful and engaging.
One thing that confused me is as follows: "A shot hit the torpedo before it was launched, exploding it prematurely. It tore a massive hole in the side of the submarine. Water began to pour into it, completely filling the sub in a few seconds." I thought the subs could take three consecutive torpedos. In any case, this torpedo wasn't really direct hit, and I doubt it would be capable as causing as much damage as a torpedo would in normal circumstances. Explain this part further -- did the torpedo penetrate easily because the sub was weakened by the bullets Zach had shot at it?
Tilt - +5
Great story, pretty funny too! Several things happened that I would not have expected. This story gripped me as a true novel would -- I simply could not stop reading until I was finished. Some things seemed hasty to me, but you did an excellent job overall. I doubt I'll see such a quality story about Spongebob ever again.