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[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

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~+~A REVIEW FROM THE YE OLDE STORY GUILD~+~
Speech & Emotion: [score]|100 83/100.
Alright, the dialogue was great, really great. The only problem was that I noticed a lack of emotion in some parts, except for when Sam was mad.
Originality: [score]|100 98/100.
A ten-year assassinator + hired by Squidward to kill Sponge Bob = FREAKING ORIGINAL!
I loved the plot.
Description: [score]|100 81/100.
It was really good, especially with the Sam's mansion part, but one thing I didn't see was this.
What ZACH looked like! Did you describe him? I don't remember.
Also, you killed Patrick too fast. Lol.
Mechanics: [score]|100 81/100. It explains it on the next post.
Characters: [score]|100 85/100.
Everybody had a really good peron*ality and was seperated well, but since when is Sponge Bob SERIOUS? Also, at the beginning with Squidward and Zach, I couldn't really...FEEL that Squidward was there after I found out he hired Zach.
Plot: [score]|100 91/100.
The flow seemed a bit too fast due to the fact that he just zipped through everything in Biki Bottom, (Like Plankton****. Krabs, and other places in Biki Bottom) but it was COMPLETELY ORIGNIAL and a great read!

Overall: [score]|600
519/600.
Notes: The part where Zach was like, "I kill people" to Sandy was freaking hilarious! I laughed out loud, seriously. Just work on describing characters a bit more, fixing up the grammatical errors, and adding in some extra emotion, and this will be awesome!
I rank ye: Word Slinger! Congratulations! That's an Elite rank!
•÷±‡± Word Slinger in the Ye Old Story Guild ±‡±÷•

-Turkeh-

08-Jun-2008 21:31:31 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2008 21:57:30 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
GRAMMATICAL AND SPELLING ERRORS
“You’re kidding me, right? Is this a joke?”
“No . . . no sir, it’s not.”
“You’re serious about this? You want me to kill–” Zach Telmar paused in disbelief. “You really want me to do this?*
*Yes. Yes I do.”
Again Zach paused. “. . . I’m gonna need a lot of money up-front. I need to know you’re for real.”
“How does five hundred grand sound?”
Another pause, as Zach ran the numbers through his head. “That should suffice,” he replied.
“Good. To where should the money be transferred?”

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Alright, this part is a bit messed up. The dialogue, that is.
It should be like this.

“You’re kidding me, right? Is this a joke?”
“No...no sir, it’s not.”
“You’re serious about this? You want me to kill–” Zach Telmar paused in disbelief, “you really want me to do this?*
*Yes. Yes I do.”
Again, Zach paused. “...I’m gonna need a lot of money up-front. I need to know you’re for real.”
“How does five hundred grand sound?”
Another pause, as Zach ran the numbers through his head. “That should suffice,” he replied.
“Good. To where should the money be transferred?”
-----------
One thing I suggest is saying who's talking. Like, I understand that there's a conversation going on, but it should be like this.
“You’re kidding me, right? Is this a joke?” Zach questioned the man.
“No...no sir, it’s not,” the man answered, his voice a bit nervous.
Like that.
Other then that, you had some comma and capatalization errors in that sequence.

08-Jun-2008 21:31:31 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2008 21:58:27 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This was the most difficult part of any assignment; getting the money.
Semi-colon is used wrong. It should be, "This was the most difficult part of any assignment: getting the money.
You need to use a colon instead.
--------------
“Uh, hold on just a second, I have another call.” He muted the cell fone and snatched another from his back pocket, suppressing a smile. He knew that carrying two phones would come in handy some day. With the second fone he quickly dialed a bank in Great Britain. “Hello, I’d like to open a bank account…”
Correction: “Uh, hold on just a second, I have another call,” he muted the cell fone and snatched another from his back pocket, suppressing a smile. He knew that carrying two phones would come in handy some day. With the second fone he quickly dialed a bank in Great Britain. “Hello, I’d like to open a bank account…”
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An irate voice spoke back. “Unfortunately.”
Correction: An irate voice spoke back. “Unfortunately,”
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Jones answered the fone with a brusque “Who’s this?” but as soon as Zach identified himself, Sam’s demeanor changed completely.
Correction: Jones answered the fone with a brusque. “Who’s this?” but as soon as Zach identified himself, Sam’s demeanor changed completely.
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“Sam!” Zach exclaimed. “Don’t worry! I won’t destroy anything.” He turned onto an exit ramp and sped through another series of smaller roads winding through thick forest until he found what he was looking for.
Correction: “Sam!” Zach exclaimed, “don’t worry! I won’t destroy anything.” he turned onto an exit ramp and sped through another series of smaller roads winding through thick forest until he found what he was looking for.
----------------

08-Jun-2008 21:31:32 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2008 21:59:13 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

[#PCMMMHAN6]

Posts: 10,079 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“So,” Sam inquired, “You liked it, did you not?”
Correction: “So,” Sam inquired, “you liked it, did you not?”
--------------
The captain released an uproarious laugh. “Trust me, Jones has done much worse than build an illegal underground tunnel. What the government doesn’t know doesn’t hurt it.” He said the final part with a malicious smirk.
Correction: The captain released an uproarious laugh. “Trust me, Jones has done much worse than build an illegal underground tunnel. What the government doesn’t know doesn’t hurt it,” he said the final part with a malicious smirk.
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Zach decided it was time to assert himself. “I’m Zach Telmar. I kill people,” he said in a cold voice.
“Well good! So what are you doing all the way out here in Bikini Bottom?”
LMFAO!!! That...was hilarious...
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His speech finished, he took the liberty to lower his vessel down until he felt it alight on the soft sand of the beach.
This is worded odd. I think it should be...
Correction: His speech finished, then took the liberty to lower his vessel down until he felt it alight on the soft sand of the beach.
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“If someone doesn’t find a way to get me back to the road in the ocean in the next 15 minuets, I’ll kill you all.”
Lol, funny. Also, you spelled minutes wrong. You spelled it, "minuets".

08-Jun-2008 21:57:09 - Last edited on 08-Jun-2008 21:59:55 by [#PCMMMHAN6]

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