RuneScape Forum Archive | They Call Me Valkyrie

Charmeddude0

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Hey. So my names Charmed. I used to be a frequent writer on this Forum. It's been about 5 years or so since I left. And now... well... what's the opposite of leaving?
Anyway this is an excerpt from a story I'm working on. If you guys like this, I'll post the whole thing.
That might take a while. It's not really finished.
I need a few reserves.

~Thanks,
Charmed.

15-Aug-2010 01:53:14

Charmeddude0

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THEY CALL ME VALKYRIE
CHAPTER 1:

In the moonlight, their eyes met. Predator and prey stood just feet away from each other on a cliff overlooking the darkness that was Burning Blair Forest. The predator was a local psycho whose existence was a mystery to those of Crater City. And his pray was a young girl by the name of Jennifer Stone, who just so happened to be the Royal One’s daughter. Though they were very much aware of each other, they were very much unaware of the events to come.

Jennifer Stone had come to this cliff in hopes to escape from a trying, otherwise productive, day. Being the Royal One’s daughter was a job within itself. While she did*** have to do anything, or have tasks assigned to her like the Royal Servants, she did have to keep up appearances as a perfect daughter. This cliff was the one place she knew where she could be at peace, away from the judgmental eye of the public. Before today, she had thought nobody knew of this place. Obviously, she was wrong.

Jennifer Stone stared the strange man in the eyes, his gaze leaver her petrified. He had a disturbed face; his eyes looked as if he’d seen the worst life had to offer. His body suggested he’d caused it. Clad in black from the neck down, he looked like the human manifestation of the Reaper. Silently and threateningly, he advanced towards a terrified Jennifer.

“Who’re you?” she trembled; shocked she was even able to speak at all. “I’ve never seen you before.” That was a lie. Everyone in Crater City has seen his serial killer face, but nobody has had the privilege of surviving through a conversation with him.

His thin, pale lips spread into a twisted grin, showing his face in a devious light. The way the moonlight bounced off his bald head and into her eyes did*’t help. “But I’ve seen you,” he said, eerily. His gaze was locked her, sending a steady stream of terror into her soul.

15-Aug-2010 01:54:16 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2010 03:49:55 by Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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“Everybody’s seen you. You’re the Royal Daughter, Jennifer Stone.” He spoke her
name with equal parts sarcasm and hatred. It certainly did*’t help chill Jennifer’s mood.

And he was silent, but he did*’t need to speak for Jennifer’s fear to grow. She
began to shake, her eyes widened, and tears began to form. There she stood, paralyzed, fearing this man’s hold on her more than anything. “Who… who are you?” she asked again, her voice muffled by tears.

He advanced closer, reaching out and touching her cheek. He wiped away tears from
her face, “You have no need to cry… I hate it when beautiful girls cry… You’re a beautiful girl, Jennifer.” His tone grew eerier and eerier with each word. Jennifer quivered uncomfortably under his touch. She hated being this close to him, a man whose reputation was stuff of urban legends and ghost stories. In that moment she prayed this would end well.

“What’s your name?!” she demanded fearfully. She pushed as much strength as she
could. In this state, it was a futile effort.

“Will you fear me less if I have a name?” He grabbed her face in a sudden rush of
anger and rage, and she instantly burst into tears. The fear welled up inside of her,
bursting out in a single, startling scream. The strange man did*’t care. No one would hear her. “Shut up!” he shouted, grasping her face tighter, holding it just inches away from his own. So close, his breath burned her eyes. *Shut up! Fine. Fine, you want a name? It won’t make things any better. Worse, actually.

“They call me Valkyrie.”

He let go of her face and wiped her tears off onto his black long jacket. Her face
was beat read and soaked in tears and sweat. She was exhausted over the shear intensity of the situation. She felt helpless, an emotion the Royal Daughter wasn’t used to. Daddy could fix anything just as long as she asked. But Daddy couldn’t fix this.

“Now stop crying.” His voice was cold, demanding, and completely unsympathetic to
Jennifer’s fear.

15-Aug-2010 01:54:17 - Last edited on 06-Nov-2012 04:07:40 by Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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Jennifer backed away; unaware as to how far she was from the edge. She hoped she
would fall, and land at the bottom of the cliff. Somebody would find her body, mangled and
broken from such a harsh impact with earth. It seemed like a better death than whatever was
going to happen to her. “You want me to stop crying? Let me go. I’ll be the happiest girl in
the world.”

Valkyrie laughed at such a ridiculous request. “And, what? Let you run off to your
daddy and cry the big bad Valkyrie held you hostage? I can’t let you do that.” He advanced
closer, so she stepped back further. She looked over her shoulder, she was at the edge.

It’d be now or never. With one step, she would fall to her death and the Royal
Daughter, Jennifer Stone, would be no more. It was a death she had accepted over the last
fifteen minutes of terror. And it appeared much more appealing that letting this Valkyrie
kill her. However, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
Valkyrie’s hold on her was now stronger than ever.

“I was going to try and be friendly, even. I was going to deceive you, make you
believe I wanted to be your friend.” Valkyrie stepped closer, Jennifer did*’t – couldn’t –
move. “We were going to have a moonlit conversation. Maybe we’d flirt. Maybe we’d kiss. And
you were going to confide in me how you wanted to die on this cliff, how you wanted to kill
yourself on this cliff because it was the only place of peace you knew. That’s why you came
here tonight, wasn’t it?” He was right, and Jennifer couldn’t believe it. How’d he know? She
could feel herself becoming faint, overwhelmed with terror and anxiety.

She fought to stay conscience. She did*’t want to give him the pleasure of having
her unconscious, a free body to play with. With a twisted mind like his, who knows what he’d
do?

15-Aug-2010 01:54:20 - Last edited on 15-Aug-2010 03:54:05 by Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

Posts: 8,316 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“I’ve read you diary, Jennifer. I feel like we’re best friends.” Valkyrie advanced
again; he was now just centimeters away. He placed his hands on her face firmly. “I put a
lot of effort and thought into this, but I guess my entrance was sloppy. And now there’s
only one way to get the end result I want…”

It was over, there was nothing for Jennifer Stone to do but plead and cry for mercy,
questioning the Valkyrie only in her mind. Valkyrie grinned crazily and snapped Jennifer
Stone’s neck silently and with ease. And, with a single push, he sent Jennifer Stone falling
over five hundred feet to the darkest depths of Burning Blair Forest, where, Valkyrie
thought, no one would find her broken, mangled body. In the moonlight, he stood where she
once did, thinking of those he had killed in the forest below, and mentally adding Jennifer Stone
to the list. However, to his disbelief, this would not be the last he would hear of
Jennifer Stone.

x... End of CHAPTER 1 ...x

15-Aug-2010 01:55:25 - Last edited on 04-Sep-2010 03:50:18 by Charmeddude0

Charmeddude0

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Thanks for reading.

*Curtain*

15-Aug-2010 03:54:44 - Last edited on 15-Aug-2010 03:57:56 by Charmeddude0

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Huh, quite interesting. The premise seems excellent, though I can definitely tell it's part of a larger story. Telling us that it's not the last Mr. Valkyrie will see of Jennifer, though, that's just rude. You'd best be posting the rest.

My complaint is that the writing feels a bit rough around the edges. There's some unneeded prose, and some that could be rearranged for greater effect.

All in all, I liked it.

15-Aug-2010 04:58:50

Charmeddude0

Posts: 8,316 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Hey, thanks, man. I'm happy you liked it.

This is definitely part of a larger story (It's not really even the beginning), I was just using this as a demo to see if people found it interesting. Or what people thought of this Valkyrie character. Once I get a computer, I'm gonna type up the rest.

My writing is a little rough, probably cause it's been a while. Eh, I guess it's always been rough. I needa fix that.

Would it be to annoying to ask for an example of unecessary prose?

15-Aug-2010 05:12:34

Chuk

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"Silently and threateningly, he advanced towards a terrified Jennifer."

At the beginning of the paragraph which this sentence closes, you mention Jennifer being petrified or some such. That makes the 'terrified Jennifer' bit redundant, and moreso because the paragraph is pretty short. I already had it in my head that she was scared to death, so hearing that again just detracts from the flow. I would recommend ending the sentence at 'advanced'.

15-Aug-2010 05:45:31

Looksavebee

Posts: 334 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

his gaze leaver her petrified.
~ Leaving her petrified? I love this paragraph, though. A little shiver ran up my spine =P

“But I’ve seen you,”
~ Creepy. I swear to god, if anyone said that to me in real life I’d just start running.

“They call me Valkyrie.”
~ Ah, Valkyrie! I’ve always loved that name, and the myths behind it is awesome. Norse Mythology is awesome on so many levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only one mistake, don't worry =P

Heya Charmeh! It's been absolutely yonks since I've seen you around. Don't worry, you won't recognise me. I was never a member when you posted. I was a non-member that read =3 I still remember A Guild of Jades and A Rogue's Tale. Loved a Guild of Jades. Can I ask for a repost?

But onto the story! I loved the little tease. Valkyrie is sinister and a little creepy. You can tell he's psychotic, even without being told so. He's going to be a really, really interesting character, I feel. I can't wait to see more!

15-Aug-2010 06:01:43

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They Call Me Valkyrie