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Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
ITIalevolent,
If you have no intention of improving, you really shouldn't be writing it. ;)
Nonetheless, I think you would'nt mind some feedback.
Your rhyming seems a bit forced, some of the verses are inconsistent, and the overall feeling of the piece is more prosic than anything. You could improve by creating shorter lines, more poetic language, and with less emphasis on what actually happened.

03-May-2010 00:47:00

LovelyMelons

LovelyMelons

Posts: 1,086 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
There is a garden made for our delight,
Where all the dreams we dare not dream come true.
I know it, but I do not know the way.
We slip and tumble in the doubtful night,
Where everything is difficult and new,
And clouds our breath has made obscure the day.
Yet there the garden blows with rose on rose,
The sunny, shadow-dappled lawns are there;
There the immortal lilies, heavenly sweet.
O roses, that for us shall not unclose!
O lilies, that we shall not pluck or wear!
O dewy lawns untrodden by our feet!
Please tell me what you think of the poem, and if it should enhance or cut back on susquipedalianism, thank you. (Yrolg, sesquipedalianism is putting a word with multiple syllables into a poem or a story, a susquipedalian is what you put in. Well, at least that's what I thought.)

03-May-2010 02:00:29 - Last edited on 04-May-2010 20:29:38 by LovelyMelons

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Verbosity is almost a given in poetry. You do not need to cut back on it.
(For the record, it's spelled sesquipedalian ;) ).

EDIT: I see. Well, I was correcting the spelling not the form. It would be sesquipedalianism in that case. Nevertheless it's not necessarily using multisyllabic words; it is using words of what is ****idered too many syllables -- overcomplification if youw ill.

03-May-2010 03:09:50 - Last edited on 05-May-2010 04:06:10 by Yrolg

Eri Vi
Jun Member 2010

Eri Vi

Posts: 965 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Pah! You clearly have no taste for REAL talent Yrolg!
Na, jokes. Thanks for the feedback! :) I might come back here sometime, holidays perhaps.

Oh, and I'm not of the difference between 'prose' and 'verse,' but if you mean it's more song-like, then that's what was intended. Just a guess.

03-May-2010 09:48:44 - Last edited on 03-May-2010 09:51:49 by Eri Vi

LovelyMelons

LovelyMelons

Posts: 1,086 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Uller, I did not commit any form of plagiarism. Edith Nesbit is a well renowned author, having written the famous fictional story 'Five Childeren and It'. I never took credit for what was written, and I most certainly wouldn't be stupid enough to take works from A FAMOUS AUTHOR. I supose I should give credit where credit is due, but if you look at my message following the poem you'll see that I did not in any way, shape, or form claim the poem as my own. I did change the name to Saradomin's Garden as you have to make it fit runescape's criteria. And if we're speaking about Saradomin's Garden here, I have to cut out the middle stanza suggesting how it is in currunt events. I would strongly encourage you to READ IT THOROUGHLY before you even think of accusing someone for plagarism, thank you.

03-May-2010 18:52:01 - Last edited on 03-May-2010 23:36:19 by LovelyMelons

Kotane

Kotane

Posts: 7,110 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Walking down a looking glass,
My eyes see what once has passed
the cloudy reflection.
"It's a silver lining," I say,
That never, never goes away
from my face.
You can see what I do not
A voice, a face, not a lot.
Keep your distance.
"A spider! a Spider! Keep away!
I don't want to see your face today!
Don't bite me!"
But he is just a friendly bug,
A simple face, deadly hug.
And so I squash, I squash, that bug.
Too bad he squashed me.

05-May-2010 00:42:02

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Oh, and I'm not of the difference between 'prose' and 'verse,' but if you mean it's more song-like, then that's what was intended. Just a guess."
Prose is the sentence, for the most part. It is language in its normal, nonmetrical form. Verse is the metrical arrangement of words.

I once saw
A fly whose maw
was wrapped up
in an orange.
is verse.

I once saw a fly whose maw was wrapped up in an orange.
is prose.

05-May-2010 03:52:42

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