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Abu-Bakr

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Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hello there. I was looking for stuff to read, and I just started reading your story ^_^
--places bookmark--
Pg 9 Up to “In the Presence of Abu-Bakr”
Anyway, as far as technicalities (grammar and spelling) are concerned, your story is good.
~Plot-wise~
A little on the slow side, but so far, so good. I like how you set up Abu-Bakr as a mysterious figure.
~Style~
Dramatic…and kind of formal. I guess it suits medieval-based fiction. I have to admit, the story’s kind of a slow read, which not necessarily bad. I don’t think it’s for people with short attention spans though :D
~Characters*
I think I like DeLoren the most. Millard and Chandler did*’t stand out as characters in any way to me, but Chandler is supposedly dead and we’ll see more of Millard later in the story (I assume). Oh, and Goswick definitely had personality…
I'll definitely try to read the rest soon! :)

05-Feb-2011 23:45:06 - Last edited on 05-Feb-2011 23:45:54 by Fireheart449

DustyShade

DustyShade

Posts: 84 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
hi luv the new chapter just wondering if these were meant to be in the story or if they were just typo's:
Chapter= Honor
3rd post, 1st paragraph 6th sentence
"... a blasphemy to God!"
im just wondering if mayb it should be "... a blasphemy to Saradomin!"
Chapter= Honor
page 21, post 4, paragraph 3, 3rd sentence
"Shalla"
just want to know who or what this is...
love the story

11-Feb-2011 16:16:19

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Just read 'In the Presence of Abu-Bakr'
(Found in 1st post)
Repetitive sentence structure: both 1st and 2nd sentence begin with ‘as’
Maybe try: “When the sun sank below the horizon, the men returned from their tents, and as the camp sprung to life, the wounds of DeLoren and Millard were once again cleaned.”
A bit of confusion here (at least for me): “They recovered more of their tracks a night than the original four knights would have done in a day of progress.” Do you mean they covered more ground a night than the original four knights would have done in a day of progress? Or that they literally covered up the tracks they left behind?
Word missing?: “The chestnut horse on which he rode tethered to a pole outside of the tent.” An easy fix: add the word ‘he’ before tethered.
2nd post
I feel like ‘barked in authority’ sounds odd…I think ‘barked with’ is the traditional phrasing.
Allowed, rather than ‘aloud’
3rd post
“But it would take them another night to reach this beacon of desert life….In the distance a large browned mountain rose over the horizon summoning the desert folk to it, the way an open flame will enchant a moth to go to its dancing body.” Oo, I really liked this description. It’s beautiful without being overly flamboyant.

“The rocky ground biting painfully into them as they came to a rest; the new guards began to talk in their rolling poetic language, clutching them by the head and shaking them around.” First of all, ouch. Grammatically speaking, the first sentence doesn’t have a verb. The two sentences don’t need a semi-colon because their meanings aren’t really inter-dependent. So you have two choices:
1.Change ‘biting’ to ‘bit’ and add a period at the end.
2.Add ‘with’ at the beginning of the sentence; remove the semi-colon and place a comma where it was.

11-Feb-2011 22:27:40 - Last edited on 11-Feb-2011 22:35:24 by Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hmm, if I point out every little thing, I’ll have written way too much. I’m going to repress my inner nitpicker and pick out broader problems.
“The stillness and coolness of the air suggested to him he was not inside. And as the space he was kept in smelled of foreign exotics it suggested he was in someone’s home.” (do you mean not outside?)
I love Abu’s dialogue. He sounds so wise…and he seems like a kind and reasonable man.
His motivations, however, and the motivations of the knights from Falador + Varrock seem to be missing from the story a little. Or maybe the background is in RS lore? I feel like I don't understand where this conflict between these groups sprang up from (there are obvious parallels to the Crusades, but this fight is probably for Saradomin's sake not God's sake.) During the Crusades, Christians fought to reclaim Jerusalem. But what do the Saradominists want so badly in the desert? Do they want to wipe out the 'heathens'? I think you need to integrate the sources of the conflicts a little more strongly into the story.
Overall, I really liked this chapter!

11-Feb-2011 22:31:52 - Last edited on 11-Feb-2011 22:43:41 by Fireheart449

Smok Taunter

Smok Taunter

Posts: 58,110 Emerald Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The latest chapter goes over some of the politics that went up to that point. I guess sooner or later I'm going to need to flesh out these intentions more.
And thanks for pointing out the errors. I'm bouncing back and forth between writing new chapters and rewriting old ones. So I'm sure to get to fixing those at some point.

@El-Cid:
The referencing to Saradomin as "God" is intentional. And Shallah is intended as being the Khardian name for Saradomin.

11-Feb-2011 23:03:47 - Last edited on 11-Feb-2011 23:04:46 by Smok Taunter

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