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The Last Dragon: Santhari

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Mean Bean567

Mean Bean567

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Chapter 7 continued
When they reached the city wall they entered with out any hindrance from any guards. There where very few people in the city. Mathew only passed them occasionally and young and old crept away when they passed. The half elf seemed to ignore all of them not caring as he walked through the maze of buildings having no problems navigating. When they reached the second wall Mathew could see a guard posted at the entrance. He gave one look to Nate and then passed an order to open the gate.
When they entered the second area Mathew was stunned. It was a gigantic open pavilion in front of him. With enormous mats placed on the ground in patterns. About fifty boys were off to the side on one of the mats practicing with wooden blades.
Off to Mathew's right he suddenly noticed a women coming down a wall towards them. Following behind her was a gaggle of men, like lost puppies. All of them except the last one, he seamed like walking death, simply choosing to be going the same path as the others. When she reached them she said,"Welcome back Nate, you weren't gone as long as you claimed you would be."
Scowling, the half elf replied,"As you can see, more important things forced me to return." As he said this he turned looking first at Mathew and then the dragon. "Who is this fine young man you have brought us", she asked. Then suddenly turning serious, she said," and how does he have a dragon?"
"This boy is Mathew and he ran into the dragon and seemed to have been bonded to it. I thought you might be able to help him", replied the half elf Nate. "Well Mathew, my name is Leader Foliana Niona. Leader of the city of Bentarin"

25-Jan-2011 02:42:18 - Last edited on 26-Jan-2011 18:48:43 by Mean Bean567

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

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No problem. :D
Er, when did the half elf get a name? Oh, there's the chapter named "Nate" (chapter 3) but the half-elf doesn't actually introduce himself in the chapter.
As far as I know, he wasn't formally introduced later either. Maybe you could add just one or two lines in the beginning of Chapter 7 about how Matthew finally got a name from the half-elf. Or maybe incorporate the name into a previous chapter?
I liked the description of the city :)

26-Jan-2011 00:54:22 - Last edited on 26-Jan-2011 00:55:01 by Fireheart449

Mean Bean567

Mean Bean567

Posts: 1,198 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for mentioning that. I actually don't want the main character (Mathew) to know the Nate's name yet but forgot that myself. I have changed the previous chapter to, the half elf instead of Nate. You have a good point with the name of that chapter. I'm going to go back and change it. I will also be finishing off the latest chapter and adding a little more to the beginning about the dragon, that I realized needed to be told now and not later.

26-Jan-2011 02:17:19 - Last edited on 26-Jan-2011 02:19:21 by Mean Bean567

Mean Bean567

Mean Bean567

Posts: 1,198 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I have finished chapter 7. If you read the first part of it before I finished the second part I would go back and read it again because I added a part about the dragon that is slightly important. Hopefully you will enjoy reading it. Thanks for reading.

26-Jan-2011 04:06:34

Fireheart449

Fireheart449

Posts: 1,028 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The story is still awesome, but be careful with your dialogue.
Quote:
[Scowling replied,"As you can see, more important things forced me to return." As he said this he turned looking first at Mathew and then the dragon. "Who is this fine young man you have brought us", she asked. Then suddenly turning serious said," and how does he have a dragon?"]
Who's scowling and replying? This works: "Scowling, the half-elf replied, '...."
Who's suddenly turning serious and saying? "Then suddenly, turning serious, she said, "And how does he have a dragon?"
Don't forget your pronouns (he, she, they, it). Those are important.
Anyway, can't wait for the next chapter! ^_^

26-Jan-2011 17:13:50

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