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Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I rather rudely failed to state that you need not envy me, Delnaz. I cannot write lengthy prose like you can, which is why I keep to poetry and short stories. After I learned from a certain English teacher, my writing became very cut-and-dry, focusing more on the facts than anything else . . . which, of course, makes writing a enrapturing battle scene somewhat difficult. I often find my descriptions lacking, which is something I can appreciate about your writing; you have this incredible flourish with descriptions.

16-May-2012 00:12:33

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Just read through much of your collection here, and you've got some solid work, for sure. I'm not quite enamored of everything, but I like the concepts that you write about, and Crown of Flame has a mythic feel that many struggle to create.

Your first story here, Determination, was my second favorite. I don't think that all of the reactions of the characters are perfectly described, and I think that a little more could be done with the emotional depth of the characters, but I like the concept, even if the execution is somewhat predictable (the wife's reactions, the husband's bewilderment, etc.). If you rework the end a little bit, I think it would be a much more satisfying read. By taking out the last sentence and adding a bit of visual description (his smile, for instance) to the one before, you leave it at a place where the reader fills in the wife's reaction, which will generally produce a better effect than if you describe it yourself.

That said, in order for the reader to know what the wife would do, you'd have to describe her a little more in the beginning of the story so that the reader can get a sense of what kind of person she is. The description doesn't have to be long or involved or anything, just enough so that she's more than one-dimensional.

Despite everything that I've said, this is a good collection, and I hope you continue writing!

~ Xen

16-May-2012 05:17:05 - Last edited on 16-May-2012 05:39:32 by Xereva

Nguy4

Nguy4

Posts: 9,366 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bookmark!

I really appreciate you taking time to read other people's threads. It's something I definitely have a problem with haha. But hopefully I can amend that with your thread. Hopefully, I'll post soon!

23-May-2012 21:21:52

Nguy4

Nguy4

Posts: 9,366 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Yam!

I finished reading some of your posts! You have some good stuff here, but there's always room for improvement. Writing is a habit and life-long skill every person needs to cultivate through practice if they want to get better at it! Anyways, here's some of my feedback.

Firstly, for determination I was a little bit too melodramatic for my liking. For me atleast, the situation did not capture the emotion of determination as well as it could have. I was expecting more vivid description that captures determination. I feel the emotion of determination fades into the background and gets lost in the plot. I also felt that Death became to human for me, that he kind of lost the mythic/menacing/transcendent qualities that I usually associate with any personifications of death.

Chronos was pretty good for the most part. I enjoyed how you have an unrhymed line at the end of stanza. I feel alot people have a compelling urge to rhyme every single line, when in fact you don't have to. It atleast showed me that your confident in your decisions. But the rhythm and flow of the verse was bit awkward at times, which you quickly addressed in your rewrite. It's a lot more pleasant to the ear this time round! My only nitpick was this line: "Made his skill easily gauged". This feels very forced to me. It dosen't really fit within the tone you've set throughout your poem. The second rewrite is definitely alot better in terms of sound and figurative language. The last stanza is really great! At first I thought the writer would be Chronos, which I felt would be really cool. But this is good too.

With Crown of Flame, I really like this paragraph: "Slowly, Alrix was reduced to ash and memory. A peal of thunder crackled across the sky and rain began to fall, almost as if the heavens shouted their condemnation of the villain and wept for the fallen king."

27-May-2012 22:42:18 - Last edited on 28-May-2012 01:10:30 by Nguy4

Nguy4

Nguy4

Posts: 9,366 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
With you stories I feel, you should pay attention to diction and try to say something in less words, or try to elevate your sentences to say something more powerful, like your previous paragraph. This dosen't mean every paragraph should be like this, or you should be bogged down by this because that can quickly get out of hand and become overly ornate, but it's good to have eye out for it. I feel like you need to develop your distinct writing style and that comes with time.

You definitely have good English background and have comprehensive knowledge base of literature, so possibly you should take advantage more of this. That's definitely what I do! Use that as inspiration and your Muse! Add an allusion here and there, and see where that leads you. I definitely like to add allusions b/c it elevates your writing and you have try to match it with equal quality, so as not to waste the power the allusion brings.

Anyways, great job and keep on writing! :)

27-May-2012 23:16:33 - Last edited on 27-May-2012 23:23:55 by Nguy4

Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I am pleased to announce that I finally decided to share another story with the community. "The Clock, the Board, and the Souls" is now posted on page three! Feedback is appreciated, and please, enjoy!

06-Jun-2012 03:04:08 - Last edited on 10-Jul-2012 14:41:48 by Yam42

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