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Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

General Appearance (Continued)

- While I'm very familiar with all the armor and weaponry terms (you get +1 for background knowledge) most readers won't be. The detail of the armor being 'black' is excellent, but a reader doesn't need to know each piece of armor unless it's all significant. The weapon details are good, but I would either include some parentheticals to let readers know what they are or resort to more common-language descriptions.

Key Family / Relatives

- I'm pretty sure I take your meaning when you say "causing him to question himself," but you could use some more detail to make it clearer.

Key Friends

- Who were his past friends? Name them, give basic descriptions, etc. Not too much detail, but enough to provide a sketch.

Relationship with Friends

- I would go into more detail here. Friends or comrades, even if Magnus didn't really see them as such, are important—as is how he treats them.

Educational History

- This is good. Expand on this. Education doesn't necessarily have to mean school. How and where did he learn how to fight, and from who? What caused him to *tart earning a reputation?

Work History

- When did he start as a bouncer? How did he get the job? Was he good at it? How long did it take him to decide to leave home with the troopers?

Phobias / Fears

- You could probably just say fear of death. Though I appreciate the specificity of word choice, most readers won't. Also, does he really not have any fears? Does he fear losing his ability to fight, perhaps losing a limb? Torture? Defeat?

Bad Habits / Vices

- Expand on this, especially the vices. What does enjoy doing that he regrets afterward?

18-Jan-2013 22:33:15 - Last edited on 19-Jan-2013 01:11:18 by Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Quirks

- I usually use the Quirks section to talk about elements of a character that run counter to what is expected. I have a rough soldier who appreciates fine dining, a religious man involved in the weapons trade, and a scientifically-minded high-class individual who writes crappy fiction in his spare time. What does Magnus do that most people would be surprised at, or would find generally unusual?

Key Childhood Experiences

- I like the way you went about filling in this section, but consider spending less time describing this experience and adding several—three or four, I think—for each section. I find that the Key Experiences section helps me to find out a lot more about the character's personality, and if you put more detail in here it can provide useful insights into their mind. This section is meant for the kinds of moments you find yourself reflecting on with no provocation, the memories that still have strong emotions attached to even after many years.

Key Adult Experiences

- The forehead is a really awful place to drive a dagger in. If he's lying still then the base of the brainstem is a good option, or the heart, especially if he has the strength to ram a knife through the breastplate.

Favorites

- There's got to be more that he likes than this. Winning a battle? Eating a good meal? Good beer, good company, a sharp sword... the list can go on and on. I admit that even I don't spend as much time on this section as I should.

Goals

- Really? Even after having a tumultuous childhood and a love-hate relationship with all of the family that he knows, he wants to get it back together? What does he really want in life? What drives him to fight, unless he just enjoys the fight itself?

Morality

- Expand and detail.

18-Jan-2013 22:33:35

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"I think the reason this thread isn't popular because this isa hard demand to make every week. Characters are supposed to be relatable, not people who are braver than us on a regular basis. They are supposed to be relatable, or to have people be able to understand why they do their actions. Just my thoughts."

While we definitely have to be able to relate to characters -- since that empathy and understanding is what drives us to care about what happens to them -- I think that they should, for the most part, be exceptional in some way. At least for main and secondary characters. Who would you rather read a story about? A guy like me who goes to class each week, works a part time job, and sits at home on the internet, or somebody like Teddy Roosevelt, who was a war hero, stood up to big business as president, finished a speech after getting shot, went on safaris, etc, etc.? Me, I'd certainly rather read about Teddy Roosevelt than somebody whose life parallels my own.

You don't want characters who are exactly like you, otherwise there's little interest in reading about them. It's like reading about your own life. So people, both real and fictional, who have stories written about them need to have something that makes them rise above your average Joe, something that makes their story different. BUT, they still have to be human, so a reader can understand and relate to them. It's a tricky balance for sure.

18-Jan-2013 23:06:30

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

(Sorry for the delay on the last bit, left to go to a photography exhibit reception)

Style of Speech

- I haven't thought of doing Style of Speech this way, and I think I'll be taking some cues from your answer in the future. The way I normally go about it is to describe speech patterns: how someone says certain words, whether someone trills their 'r's or hisses on their 's's, what kind of accent they have, etc.

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Final Thoughts

- You came at this in a way remarkably similar to how I write my bios, and I must say I'm impressed. I don't know if you've done this before, but apart from some minor errors in spelling and grammar it was very polished, and I enjoyed reading it.

That said, Magnus doesn't particularly interest me, although from your description I'm not sure that he was meant to. He comes off as a dull, thuggish character who has some basic morals, but not enough to prevent him from enjoying and perpetrating violence himself. And he has a hazy family background, yet he inexplicably wants to return to it.

There are several details which I liked that reveal a lot about the character's internal life, and I think you would do well to expand on what you have and to include more of them. But despite being quite physically detailed, there's not enough to make Magnus into a memorable, relatable character. I don't mean likable. That's another thing entirely. He can be a complete ass, but he should still be relatable in the sense that we can see humanity in him, see bits and pieces of ourselves. Right now there's a little glimmer of that, but for the most part it's buried under his imposing physical characteristics and long combat history. Fill in the gaps—more about his family, his friends, and his background—and someone more interesting will emerge. You've got a solid foundation, and if you final-draft it I'm sure it will be excellent.

19-Jan-2013 01:07:22

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

One by one, others may step into the thread, though inactivity has yet again rose, but if we keep the thread alive I'm sure it'll grow at least a little bit. As for characters, in my own stories I have used many types of characters, and found that mixing different types generally adds to the story. Sometimes the simplest things are the most effective.

Anyways, thank-you Xereva for the full feedback. I was under the assumption that, since this is of bio format, everything had to be as brief as possible, and I was getting worried that my submission was becoming too long, so I figured I'd shorten it to some extent and then finish it quickly.

I agree with the parts that need expanding, I would have done so if I realised I could type much more. Magnus was intentionally designed to be controversial and fairly mentally unstable, so he does things that don't make much sense as he sees reality improperly.

I do believe that aniridia can be present by birth, and that's what I had in mind, though I suppose describing his eyes as being black is incorrect, as aniridia is the absence of an iris and not an eye colour.

If I have the time for it sometime later, I could expand all the sections and transform it into a "bio-story", as well as focusing on grammar and spelling better.

So yeah, that's all for now.

19-Jan-2013 02:08:29 - Last edited on 19-Jan-2013 02:09:54 by Azigarath

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

S'pose I should have specified that there's no upper bound when it comes to assignments. You write it, I'll read it. My last bio ended up at 3000 words, not that I expect most people to reach that length. As for the mentally unstable bit, that didn't come entirely across, although I got flashes of it here and there. Not necessarily the brightest, yes, but not outright irrational.

I would definitely give your revised version at least one post's worth of attention, although I wouldn't go into the same amount of detail as I did this time. Do you think you'll stick around for next week's assignment? I don't know what it will be yet, but I think I might try a dialogue exercise, or perhaps an action scene to get more people involved.

Congrats on being the first to complete an exercise, by the way. =P

19-Jan-2013 02:15:10

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

– Character Name / Nicknames / Aliases: Yalthus de la Kova

– Birth Date: 5/29/1203 (age 22)

– Place of Birth: Kharidian Desert

– Residence: Currently, he dwells in a house situated just outside of the castle walls in the northeastern part of Varrock.

– Height: 5'10”

– Weight: 167 lbs (approx. 80 kg)

– Clothing Styles: Yalthus' clothing tends to follow a sort of Spanish dueling cavalier trend. He is often seen wearing an elegant and loose white dueling shirt with gold trim running up and down the length of the sleeves to denote his status as a member of the City Guard. In addition to the shirt, he wears black pantaloons (with a similar trim) and low-topped boots so as not to restrict his movement. When a more elegant occasion is at hand, he wears a short black overcoat.

– Skin Color: Dark tan

– Hair Color: Black

– Hair Length: His hear is short, terminating jus* above the ears, but lengthens in the back. Additionally, he keeps it incredibly close-cropped to avoid it obstructing his vision during any potential combat.

– Eye Color: A very dark brown

– Handedness: Yalthus is right-handed, although he has been known to wield weapons in either hand on occasion.

– Jewelry: Yalthus generally tends to follow a pattern of austerity, so he often avoids jewelry (not to mention that jewelry is not only unnecessary, but occasionally cumbersome during combat). When there is a formal occasion, however, he wears a ring bearing the coat-of-arms of House Kova.

– Tattoos: Yalthus has none. He believes his body is a temple (he also believes getting a tattoo on his body would be the equivalent of sewing a “Goblinses Rule!” banner to the Royal Battle Flag).

19-Jan-2013 02:49:55 - Last edited on 19-Jan-2013 17:58:41 by Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

– General Appearance: Although Yalthus is light, he is muscular in a lean sort of way. This is perfect for him, as it allows him to be incredibly quick on his feet during duels and fights, a technique in which he specializes. He also has a thin black mustache that he keeps immaculate, ensuring that it terminates perfectly even with his mouth. Altogether, he has very bronzed skin, which not only comes from his time in the Kharidian desert, but his heredity, as well. He is also known for a dashin* cavalier smile. Keeping with his obsessive need to have a perfect appearance, he keeps his face, skin, and hands clean; his nails cleanly trimmed; and his clothes spotless.

– Key Family / Relatives: The entire House Kova, a minor Kharidian noble family (currently Francesco de la Kova (father), Isabella de la Kova (mother), Baltasar de la Kova (brother), Amílcar de la Kova (uncle), Florina de la Kova (sister), and other extended members of the family)

– Relationship with Family: Yalthus' relationship with his family can be summed up as *wonderful.”
The House Kova has always been incredibly tight-knit, and the tradition continues. Yalthus frequently makes trips to the desert (with special permission from His Majesty, of course) to visit his family. Notably, his uncle served as his educator and mentor. Yalthus is also extremely protective of his sister, Florina.

– Key Friends: Sir Prysin, Paladin Supreme of the Kingdom of Misthalin; Sir Aereck, Magister Equitum of the Kingdom of Misthalin; Michael Sophos, a fellow city guard

19-Jan-2013 02:50:02 - Last edited on 19-Jan-2013 02:52:03 by Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

– Relationship with Friends: Prysin and Aereck both view Yalthus as one of the most amusing people they've ever met due to his particular quirks (see below). The relationship extends farther than this, though, as Yalthus' fighting style is somewhat unique amongst the city guards; consequently, the two high-ranking knights believe there is much to be learned from him, and they continually consult with him to enhance the styles of combat in which guards are trained. Additionally, the three all share a love for chess and meet for the occasional battle of wits. Michael is Yalthus' closest friend, confidant, and adviser. Michael is wise beyond his years, frequently educating Yalthus in matters of spirit; in return, Yalthus educates Michael in body, teaching him how to duel. Notably, Michael is the only other guard aside from Yalthus who rejects the traditional pantheon of Gielinor in favor of a being called “the Supremacy.”

– Key Enemies: The entire House Silva, a minor Kharidian noble family; Sir Falomir, Master Knight-Errant of the Kingdom of Misthalin

– Relationship with Enemies: Yalthus is generally aware that the entire House Silva is the chief rival of the House Kova, a fact that has been unchanged for generations. He holds no specific hatred for them, although his obliviousness prevents him from seeing their outright acts of skulduggery against Kharid. Sir Falomir tends to hate anyone Prysin and Aereck like, which means he essentially hates all of Varrock. Unfortunately, he has taken a particular dislike to Yalthus, mainly because he sees him as an “outsider.” Yalthus is pleasantly oblivious to this fact as well, and regards Falomir as a rather noble knight.

19-Jan-2013 02:50:08 - Last edited on 19-Jan-2013 02:52:34 by Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

– Educational History: At the age of six, Yalthus received his father's blessing to travel the world with his uncle, Amílcar. As they moved from city to city, Yalthus learned about literature, the rudiments of basic and intermediate mathematics, biology, astronomy, history, and the various world cultures. Amílcar also trained his nephew in the skills becoming of a gentleman: dueling (with a rapier), chivalry, financial literacy, and piety. At the age of eighteen, Yalthus completed his schooling and returned home to his family where he dwelt in the Kharidian court as a master of dueling and a paragon of what a gentleman should be.

– Work History: Yalthus began yearning to return to lands he saw during his travels approximately one year after his return to Kharidian lands. Hoping to show Misthalin the value of Kharidian schooling and chivalry, the Kharidian nobles gave Yalthus special permission to join the Varrock City Guard. He has held a position as a member of the guard ever since (approximately three years).

– Skills: Dueling with a rapier, minor acrobatics, the rudiments of combat with a longsword, political/interpersonal ability

– Phobias / Fears: He is absolutely terrified of polar bears due to a childhood encounter with them.

– Bad Habits / Vices: While not exactly a vice, Yalthus has a noticeable bad habit of biting his lower lip when pensive or stressed.

19-Jan-2013 02:50:16 - Last edited on 19-Jan-2013 02:53:29 by Yam42

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