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Xereva

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"...due to the armet being bolted to his armour."

- Aside from the fact that most won't know what an armet is, 'being bolted to' makes it sound like it's being bolted there presently, rather than just 'bolted to,' which demonstrates that it was bolted there all along.

"...up to the figure’s shoulders, so the figure was well..."

- Simply 'shoulders; she was well above six feet in height' would work much better.

"“Vere.” The figure said, having a female voice, she..."

- Re-write this sentence. I know what you're trying to get across, but it's clunky.

"...suddenly materialising from a blurry series of blue zaps..."

- I'm assuming this is a teleport spell of some kind, but it could be worded more clearly. Also: when you're writing dialogue and then continue the sentence, you use commas rather than periods within the quotation marks. "'I'm already here,' someone else said." I will let this critique be a broad recommendation for every instance in your piece (there are quite a few) rather than pointing out every one. The end of the sentence would therefore read (if made into its own sentence, as I also recommend) "'Please take the goblet,' he continued."

"He was taller than the figure..."

- Her, the figure, which is it? We know that she is a she, and it does justice to her humanity to call her as such once revealed.

"...obviously, of..."

- Unnecessary comma. I'll let my earlier recommendation for armor continue to stand.

"...goblet was poured and the goblet..."

- Redundant. 'Poured and passed' does well enough.

"The retainer who left reappeared..."

- 'Who had left.' Also, in the same sentence, 'handing' should be 'handed.'

02-Feb-2013 05:47:58

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"...Vere said with his mumbled voice, so clearly he had been drinking."

- The structure of this sentence is awkward. Perhaps this: "'I had a hunch you were eager to see me again.' His voice was slurred, and he had clearly been drinking." Re-word as you like, but don't keep the original. 'A mumbling voice' would work as a good replacement.

"'Well, we’re not in an urban battlefield..."

- The dialogue here is quite awful, really. 'So, yeah' is hardly a way to end a sentence unless you couch it properly with some description after the fact. It also doesn't fit in well with the stilted, Tolkien-esque style you've got going.

"'What?' Corona exclaimed with a giggle, trying to stay depressed but was unable."

- Re-word. I'm not entirely sure what's happening here, emotionally speaking.

"'Nothing. Ok! Let’s fight! Eat it...'"

- Again, this style of dialogue is far afield of the style you've been engaged in to this point. Unless it's your intention to sound modern, I would reconsider how this is written.

"...almost jumping out his armour."

- Out of.

"...glancing off the wedged breastplate breastplate..."

- Repetition.

02-Feb-2013 05:48:22

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

FOR THE ENTIRE FIGHT SCENE

- In my instructions for the assignment, I said that to pace a scene well it *as necessary to strip a scene to its absolute bones and build from there. Instead of doing that, you have included every single motion of the fight, where it hits, what weapons are used when and what they do when they make contact, and more detail on the armor than should ever be included. As a result, the scene is one long slog of 'Vere did... then Corona did... then Vere did...' that forces the reader to internalize everything that happens. Let me reiterate: in an action scene, the key is speed of pace. You don't need to tell the reader that a tip of a sword is bending unless it's going to break. You don't need to tell the reader that impact was transferred to shoulders rather than neck. And you don't need to describe that the reason either of the fighters can't accomplish something is because they're tired, which in itself (given the amount of in-armor training most knights of any kind get, and the time they're expected to be in battle) I find a bit ridiculous. You need to keep this idea in your head and re-write it from the ground up.

"Vere, whom had exhausted all his strength in lifted..."

- 'Who had exhausted all of his strength in lifting.' The end of the sentence should also read 'stood up and staggered backwards.'

"Facially, Corona had a smoothly chiseled face..."

- Redundant.

"She had wide eyes, and they were like spheres of glass..."

- I can't tell what you mean by this description. Are they actually clear / entirely reflective? Is she human at all?

"...bevor remaining attached to the breastplate though..."

- Re-word. Sounds awkward.

"...fallen dishes and whatnot..."

- Whatnot doesn't seem to fit the tone very well.

02-Feb-2013 05:48:35

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Two things first. One: for the most part, you have an absolutely fantastic style. It's stately and Tolkien-esque in all the best ways, with a humor and freshness and originality I rarely see, especially on the forums. The scene-setting is lovely, and lets me envision perfectly the lone armored figure walking toward a vast citadel. Two: you over-describe almost everything related to arms and armor to the point of saturation, and it overwhelms the piece to the point where it's incomprehensible.

As I mentioned in earlier comments, though I appreciate your knowledge, you have to pick and choose what you include. You cannot, CANNOT include that level of detail about armor and weaponry, let alone every move in a fight. I grant that there are authors who do so, but even Tolkien, long-winded as he is, does not specify every piece of armor or every movement. He pares down to give a general impression rather than a detailed study, and that's what you have to do.

Some more specific critiques:

- You use 'so' a lot in places where it doesn't seem to belong, and even where it does it makes the work feel like you're explaining or justifying to the reader, which is not something that you want. "So the figure was well above six feet in height" is one such example.

- Parentheticals (and I realize I recommended their use to you in the past) break flow when they are too numerous, and generally mean that you're over-describing. Use them more sparingly or omit them altogether.

- Your dialogue needs to be more fluid. Not necessarily more realistic, but more fitting to the world that you have created. More noble, perhaps, and less "Eat it, b****!"

- I very much enjoyed the plot of this piece, even if reading the description and action was not fun in itself. Pace it better and you'll have something of real value, perhaps even a jumping-off point for a larger work.

...hoo. 1600 words of comments. I hope you get something out of them.

02-Feb-2013 05:48:52 - Last edited on 02-Feb-2013 06:00:10 by Xereva

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Lol, thanks a bunch for taking the time going through my story. I understand that my work can be a real drag to go through, but I really enjoy creating such scenes and often get excited and then carried away in them. I also have a habit of being informal and clumsy, and I’ll admit I did not even give the story a reread when I finished it, let alone run a spellcheck. So I should learn to slow down and be careful with my words, I also seem to have a habit of repeating the same mistakes and then mixing fantastic description with crudity, which certainly does not create a fluid flow of the imagination. I’ll take your suggestions into account for sure.

Anyways, I suppose I’ll answer some questions while I’m at it.

Corona’s armour is hinged, laced, and strapped, I got the terms wrong. I got the terms wrong again about the helms being bolted, as instead the helm would be secured to the armour by a charnel (hinged staple). Silly me.

The culture of the people described are greatly different than regular human beings, and to such an extreme that stealing would be a seriously horrifying thing to do. Although not described in the story, these people can read minds, so they cannot hide any secret. Corona and Aurora have appeared in a few of my full-length stories, and their mind-reading capabilities are revealed there. I should have thought this over better.

Yes, the household retainers are armoured in full plate, as at the end of the story, Vere joins the rebellion, which he had expected to occur and needed to be ready. I should have done better on this.

Vere is drunk, his dialogue isn’t supposed to make much sense****

**, overheating leads to rapid exhaustion, especially when all that heat is trapped in a harness and cannot escape. Though the cold climate of the world would suggest they wouldn’t overheat within a few minutes in the first plate.

02-Feb-2013 07:07:55

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Corona and Vere are demonic semi-humans; they have eyes that possess transparency and reflectiveness, and your imagination can conclude how that makes sense.

Thanks again for the feedback, it means a lot to me. Strange that you should mention Tolkien, I did*’t have anything of him in mind when I typed the story.

02-Feb-2013 07:08:04 - Last edited on 02-Feb-2013 07:09:50 by Azigarath

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"You are a wonderful human being for going through all that. My math skills are atrocious. 1.2 million seems a fair number of people to have, I might just downsize to that and call it okay. I'm also planning to go up to four stories throughout the Arcs, so that will increase the amount of space available as well."

Heh, thanks. It didn't take too long, and I find that sort of thing really interesting to figure out. Dunno why. But glad to help out!

02-Feb-2013 07:53:07

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

To respond to the answers to my questions:

- I'm not nearly as knowledgeable about armor, so I'll take your word about the terms.

- I'll accept that at face value and not go into what I think about those kinds of cultural differences. I don't expect most people to go into psychology and anthropology to get realism—but suffice to say if this race finds the same things valuable as ours, someone will transgress the taboos at some point, no matter how horrific they might be. And it's all downhill from there. Even if they can read minds, if someone steals from another person he/she never expects to see again, is there still an issue?

- A sentence of description would suffice to put it in context. Otherwise, I actually like them in full place. It adds an element of comedy that is absent in a lot of stories, and it works here.

- Drunk dialogue is one thing, out-of-period dialogue is another. It breaks the mood to have him say 'b****' at all, and 'so, yeah' feels out of place as well.

- I understand the overheating element, especially if they're inside. But aren't knights trained to be able to ***** for a very long time? I like the way the scene progresses, but it feels a little unrealistic. If they were on a battlefield, both of them would be exhausted enough to be easily taken down.

- Yeah, my imagination is doing a lot of things with that. =P

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To Chuk:

Well regardless of reasoning I'm glad you did. =D

02-Feb-2013 14:24:52

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Alright Zmaster, I finally have the time to get around to your revision.

I like it a lot better than the first. It flows more smoothly and more quickly, and is a great deal more comprehensible, not to mention realistic. It comes off as heavy-handed and a little leading occasionally, but that's a lot easier to fix.

The blow struck, however, is a little confusing. (The sentence where he seems to be picked up by the neck, that is.) I wasn't sure was holding him up, or if there was a supernatural power involved or not.

In terms of formatting, remember that dialogue generally goes on its own line. If a sentence starts with a quote, put it on another line, and then continue from there.

You do a pretty good job with pacing, including only details that directly describe elements of the scene or details about the character's thought process. Of everything you've changed, I appreciate the insight into the character the most. It adds more tension to know how scared and confused he is, and to know the background, even if that background isn't necessarily the most innovative or original.

My biggest recommendation for you now is to make your style more subtle. You have a way of coming right out and stating things that works to inform the reader, but there's no art in saying something straight out unless it's said creatively. I don't mean just dressing it up, but actually phrasing the entire description so that it flows together, thinking about the point and weight of each word and sentence. The key to style is being aware of the smallest details, even when you're not consciously thinking about them. It takes a long time to get to that point, and I won't say it's easy, but you have the potential to get there.

Good revision, and I hope you see you again for this week's assignment.

02-Feb-2013 22:16:03

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I really appreciate you coming back to comment on my revised version. I was going to edit it more, but didn't find the time. My entry for this week's assignment will be up shortly. Also, on the front page I posted my entry before Chuck if you look at the original entry things. He just posted that those were the posts he was going to fill in with his assignment. I should get the privilege of being first. Just joking, I don't really care.

02-Feb-2013 23:23:19

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