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Azigarath

Azigarath

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The top third of the blade from the tip began to bend. When Corona got tired, Vere managed to grab the blade with one hand and stepped up to Corona, curling his free arm from under Corona’s cod-piece (the part of plate armour covering the groin area), and with the other hand, let go of her sword and wrapped it over her pauldron and grabbing the back of it, and in this position he lifted Corona so that he held her while she was sideways (this takes a remarkable amount of strength and it almost impossible), and then moved his arms around further so that he held Corona upside-down.

At that, he slammed Corona helm first into the floor, marble cracking, helm and pauldrons making a loud clank. As a reminder, Corona’s helm was bolted onto the breastplate and backplate, so the impact was somewhat transferred into the shoulders rather than the neck. The impact forced the great helm’s bolts to disconnect, but the helm remained worn.

Corona fell onto her back after being dropped on her helm, now dazed. Vere, whom had exhausted all his strength in lifted the metal woman, stood up, staggering backwards, and then kicked Corona in the top of the helm. Both combatants were now exhausted, the weight of their armour seeming to get heavier after each breath.

Corona sat up slowly after a few seconds, feeling the inside of her great helm press against her nose, unable to do much now. She lifted the great helm off her head and dropped it. Facially, Corona had a smoothly chiseled face with a motherly appearance. She was pale and had long brown hair, most of it entangled around her head and neck. She had wide eyes, and they were like spheres of glass, reflecting the image of whatever she happened to be looking at.

30-Jan-2013 05:39:59 - Last edited on 30-Jan-2013 05:49:08 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Vere fell on his ass with a huff, knees bent upward, and his hands flat on the floor at his sides. Breathing hard, he removed his sallet, bevor remaining attached to the breastplate though; the sallet fell backwards, landing on the marble and spinning for a few seconds. Like Corona, this race had reflective clear eyes. He was also pale, unsurprisingly, due to the cold and dark climate of this world.

“OK, maybe we’ll call it a draw.” Corona suggested, and Vere nodded.

Vere made a gesture with his head and beckoned with his hand, and in no time, the retainers provided goblets of icy mineral water mixed with alcohol. After that, they cleaned the fallen dishes and whatnot, and gave small towels to Vere and Corona.

Vere stood up and heard noises outside, coming from the running of many armoured warriors.

“Looks like another rebellion for this city block, guess the city wants a new monarchy. Want to come along? Maybe you’ll become the next monarch.” Vere asked, drinking the last of his mineral water and then signalling his retainers to get ready.

“Alright, let’s go.” Corona replied after finishing her drink.

30-Jan-2013 05:40:19 - Last edited on 30-Jan-2013 05:49:26 by Azigarath

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
...good lord that's long. I'm going to have fun with this one.

Thanks for the show of support, Arcot. And Arkkataka. I remember seeing you both around, but I don't have a whole lot of memories attached. Refresh me?

And call me Xen, if you've no objection. If I cared enough to pay for membership again then I would change it, but I haven't had any desire to play RuneScape for years, and I have enough work that playing would only cause me stress.

30-Jan-2013 15:13:28

Zmaster07

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The chase was closing to ending. A pair of hurried footsteps found a door handle,
and Josh Andlier rushed into the darkness of the movie theater, heart pounding
rapidly in his chest. His breathing slowed, becoming steadier. If he just relaxed,
maybe Kate wouldn’t find him.

The pair of tattered combat boots ran past the door,
and he breathed a sigh of relief. Kate Erving, his stepsister, had been possessed
twenty-four hours previously. He remembered it clearly in his mind.

He’d woken up, and going downstairs had found his sister on the couch.
‘Living life to the fullest as usual, Kat.’ He said sleepily.
She acknowledged him with a bored wave.
He was just about to dig into a bowl of cereal, when the doorbell rang.

After Kate was persuaded to answer it, she got up and rubbed her eyes. She walked
to the door and opened it. The next thing Josh remembered was her turning around,
her irises *lack as she stretched out her arm, running towards him, aiming for his
neck.

‘Whoa, Kate.’ Josh said, backing up from the table where he abandoned his half-
eaten cereal.
‘Fool. Come back here and die.’
The voice was a deep male’s. Definitely not hers.

‘Kate, what are you doing? What’s going on?’
Instead of responding, she lunged across the table, missing his shirt by inches.
He started slowly backing up toward the open door, and then
starting running full pelt out his house.

30-Jan-2013 22:40:33 - Last edited on 01-Feb-2013 04:05:51 by Zmaster07

Zmaster07

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
He turned back at the last second, and saw his sister with black mascara down over
her eyes, flowing red robes, and black combat boots that looked old.

Then he ran the hell out of there.

His neighbors were off limits, since they had gone on vacation, and the closest place
he could hide was an old abandoned movie theater a block down.

Fun.

Now, slumped against the wall, he wondered what had happened to his sister.
He had only caught a glance of the person at the door, a tall man with a black
goatee before his sister had berserk. Perhaps she had been possessed? He asked
himself.

His family was full of rumors about the spirits that could inhibit people. It
had started with his great-grandfather, a man who claimed he had been on a ship
from Europe that had possessed the ship captain, causing everyone to go overboard
in life boats and floated all the way inland. But even so, it was such a stupid story.

Then again, what could have happened? That was when the boots returned to the slit
under the door.
‘You have got to be fricken kidding me. God damnit.’
He muttered under his breath. The door creaked open, and he sank into the shadows at the back of the theatre. Light sank into the movie theatre, illuminating the cobwebbed chairs, one of which concealed Josh.
His sister walked in and closed the door, once again
making the theatre dark. Dread filled Josh. What now? Suddenly, a light switch was
flicked, and twenty rusty bulbs on the ceiling burst into light.
'Kill him,’ said the deep voice, coming from his sister’s mouth.

The chair Josh was hiding behind was flung away with a mere glance from his

30-Jan-2013 22:41:34 - Last edited on 31-Jan-2013 03:03:16 by Zmaster07

Zmaster07

Zmaster07

Posts: 416 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
sister. As soon as it was in the air, his neck pulled up Josh, hanging in midair. He
choked and struggled, but the lights were growing dimmer, and sound was fading
from his ears. He could smell blood coming out his nose.

As suddenly as it had started, the sensation stopped. He lay on the floor, panting and gasping greedily for air. He looked over his shoulder. His sister took a step back, and narrowed her eyes.

‘Saradomin.’ The deep voice said, ’You have no business here.’
Josh looked around. He could see nothing.
A blur of white light flashed, and his sister’s irises turned back to green.
‘Josh, where-‘ She started. A burst of light above their heads caused them to look
up.

In the air were two figures, cloaks red and white swirling around their bodies,
faces transparent, and both eyes narrowed in concentration. In between them was a
ball of white light. The figure in red narrowed his eyes ever deeper, and the ball
drifted towards the other. The white figure lifted his hands from within his robes,
and a staff appeared clutched between. He twirled the staff in front of him, and blue
light shot out towards the red, engulfing him in a blue cocoon.

‘This isn’t over.’ The red man said to Josh from within the cocoon. The light
dispersed and he disappeared, the air carrying a last sentence.
‘Next time,’ It mused,’ Panama?’

Josh sat down in shock. Panama was his girlfriend.

30-Jan-2013 22:42:16 - Last edited on 31-Jan-2013 03:04:49 by Zmaster07

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Right, I'm going to put up a new lesson in just a moment. Sorry for the lateness, I've been having a bit of a crap day.

Zmaster, I'll post a response on your second assignment after I get to Chuk's and Azi's. In the meantime, try re-formatting it so that it looks like Azi's assignment post, with block paragraphs separated by open space. I'm afraid I wasn't specific enough in my last instructions.

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EDIT: The newest assignment is now up! Enjoy writing dialogue, I will definitely enjoy reading your submissions.

31-Jan-2013 02:44:20 - Last edited on 31-Jan-2013 04:42:19 by Xereva

Xereva

Xereva

Posts: 7,589 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay Chuk, you're up. As with Zmaster, quote denote the phrase / sentence / paragraph I'm commenting on. Much of my comments are line-editing nitpicks; much is opinion. Take what you will.

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"Once, the wall against her back..."

- No comma after 'once.'

"That was before the invasion..."

- Had been before.

"Her throat was parched by ever present..."

- 'Ever present' reads awkwardly—it sounds cleaner if you just go with 'Her throat was parched by smoke and dust.' If you really need to drive home that smoke and dust is everywhere, try re-wording.

"Raising her head, she coughed..."

- 'She raised her head and coughed' sounds better to me, but then I'm not a fan of the passive voice.

"Unseasonably warm and scorched..."

- How about 'Unseasonably warm air, scorched dry as desert dust, stirred against her face.'

"For a moment, it was a pleasant change..."

- This is perhaps more preference than criticism, but I don't think you need this sentence or the one that follows it. The character of the moment is quite clear, and the reader can probably imagine what she's thinking well enough.

"...she had lost all track of the time..."

- Don't think you need the 'all,' here, and 'vortex of swirling destruction' is a bit much.

"...while her home burned above her..."

- Had burned.

"Aleth lay in a field of grass, verdant..."

- I realize that dream scenes like this are common, but is it absolutely necessary to the scene that it take place? She could be lost in a memory, or imagine this entirely, or even just daydream. But as the reader, knowing that the moment is in a dream makes it less powerful. Also, you should probably find a different way to describe Teren's eyes and the warmth of his skin. Despite my misgivings about dream scenes, however, you pull this off quite well. I like the thunder motif, and the transition back to the waking world is elegantly done.

31-Jan-2013 14:21:59 - Last edited on 31-Jan-2013 18:36:58 by Xereva

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