Brilliant opening line, being description filled and setting the scene. A menacing moon… oh, it’s got me thinking! In fact, the whole first paragraph is a brilliant setting-maker. You’ve woven this brilliantly! Just one thing. By Gno(ck, is that a censor break or a mistype? I see it’s typed more through the story but is it meant to be there as part of the name or a censor break?
One thing with your description, as well. When describing a person/gnome/character, try and avoid being cliché. Spiky, black hair is used often enough. Also, don’t just tell us what he looked like. Show us by weaving it into the story, like “His black hair melded into the night, occasionally catching the light of the moon.” That’s terrible, I know but hopefully you get what I mean. Also, Mike is a person. You’re thinking mic. Personally you should be using the word microphone. Good first chapter, though!
Be careful with your speech grammar. If you use a period, question mark or exclamation mark, you should be following the next word outside the speech marks with a capital. And you should only be using a comma as speech punctuation when the same speaker continues in the same paragraph with no one else speaking. Try to get this down as soon as possible. Remember that outer sources will help with this!
Also, try not to ladle too much description. Sometimes progression with the storyline is more important. The second paragraph of the second chapter has this effect on me that you’re stalling time and just adding needless information. Again, check your speech punctuation!
16-Aug-2009 02:37:08
