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97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I’m seeing this a lot through my marking of stories and even I am guilty of doing it occasionally. A conjunction (And, therefore, but, etc) after a comma may be technically correct grammatically but I find it’s rather redundant and wrong. Speaking basically (So therefore this isn’t 100% correct), a conjunction is used to join two sentences together, as is a comma. So using both just isn’t right. This is personal opinion, though. Just letting you know my thoughts XD I just feel this way as sometimes it gets quite confusing, to me.
And the plot thickens. Problems in the hierarchy? Who knows, but I want to know!
You’re doing the devil’s sin in the first paragraph of the third chapter, which is comma splicing. That means you’re using a comma to join two sentences that can freely stand on their own, without a comma. Remember about semi-colons and other punctuation devices!
Okay, seriously, you may be rushing the plot around, but this is a really, really gripping tale you’ve got here. Brilliant to read, these stories, so thank you for writing it! But the rushing… I’m not a huge fan of plot rushing, as it detracts from the story 90% of the time. Try lengthening our your chapters and build some suspense a little more. Your stories good, but I wonder if it could be better.
Chapter five, you might want to proofread. There’s lots of little, niggling errors to be found here! Also, chapter five and six could be merged into one chapter. I’m totally against adding a new chapter for the hell of it. Oh! Plot twist!

“Poor man never knew what hit him.” This sentence doesn’t really mesh with the rest of your story. A better way to do it would be to kill him without mercy. Like, just the last bit, flipped around to make sense. Also, I highly doubt Roal would be walking, let alone running towards a fight, unless you’ve seriously warped time there.

16-Aug-2009 02:37:37

97swiftarm

97swiftarm

Posts: 6,533 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Now then, after this battle is where the rushing hurts your story. This could be a big siege, building suspense and what not. Instead the enemy retreat and no one freaks out and runs, only to be killed. Roal calmly organises everything and it’s done. It could be so much better, just by lengthening it out. Add some description… add some character development… I don’t know, but add something and take advantage in the lull of fighting instead of running off and finishing the storyline. Build everything up!
MY CONCLUSION
Well, first off I want to say this is a delightful little tale, which surprised me. I did*’t expect to get something this well written but I’m happy to be surprised! Positives include a drawing storyline that made me want to keep reading (Except when the stomach asked for food) and you have an incredibly original plot! I love how you’ve managed to make it believable while being scientific. I still believe I’m in Runescape because you’ve based it in ScapeRune, which is meant to be the opposite of Runescape. So, very believable!
There are a couple of things that made me a little disappointed, however. Firstly the rushing of the plot makes me cry a little inside. You could do so much more with this storyline by slowing down and fleshing it out. More character development is always a plus! You have just started to do that, which is good but you could have done more. On the small side, you could proofread more. This would pick up a lot of errors and save you and I a lot of trouble. Look out for me!
Lastly, your only real error with grammar is your punctuation for speech. Look it up anyway you want and read over it. It will prove useful!
So, once again thanks for the story! I enjoyed it and for that, I want you to head back over to Die’s Abyss and leave a blurb of your story to go in my recommended reading list! Well done!

16-Aug-2009 02:38:13

WolfLord7777

WolfLord7777

Posts: 1,881 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thankyou!
Several of those errors are old habits, which will take a while to get rid of. But thanks for mentioning them, I'll try and change them.
Oh yeah, and Gno(ck, is just a censor breaker.

17-Aug-2009 06:39:40 - Last edited on 17-Aug-2009 06:42:03 by WolfLord7777

Archmage Fel

Archmage Fel

Posts: 741 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Note Mucker71 is replaced with my charecters name, is just easier to write mucker71.
The squad leader looked up at Mucker71. Standing above him Mucker71 didn't look down to him. Although a hood covered most of his face, he could still see a snarl on Mucker71 lips. Behind Mucker71 was thirty men with Dagon'hai robes each holding a staff, from basic staffs to Zurials staffs. Each unit held a book in their left hand more than half carried Zamorak god books the rest mages. "Commander," came a gravely voice from under the hood "At last, we meet." the commander wasn't listening however. Mucker71 and the Dagon'hai were Zamorakians and as such were both hated and feared like a swarm of wasps in your bedroom at night. "Stand back, Zamorakian. One more step and I'll shoot you were you stand." he said this as he drew his gun and held it towards Mucker71 face. A flash of annoyance sprawled its way across Mucker71 face. "That no way to treat the people who saved you from the plane crash."
"You lie." he primed the gun.
"You may try and shoot me or anyone of us, but you will not succeed."
"Hold your tounge, vermin."
"Lower your weapon or I shall force you to let go."
"Try it." although he couldn't see it, he could tell Mucker71 had just rolled his eyes. Mucker71 clenched his hand into a fist and a split-second later the gun had started to heat up. Fast. 2 seconds after the spell was cast the heat had scolded his hand. "Ouch!" he dropped the gun and held his hand in pain. "Open fire!" he yelled at his squad. Gunshots rang through the air but there was no sound or sight of falling men. The bullets had halted inches from the Dagon'hai monks bodies and faces. *ping* *ping* *ping* the bullets tinkeled to the ground. "Dont do that. Shields like that are aweful to cast."
"What do you mean, save us from the plane crash?"
"Ah yes, we had given you a few more seconds of flight, if we hadn't you would of crashed into the sea and perished for sure." He paused for a moment. "Lord Sloan,

25-Aug-2009 19:36:28

Archmage Fel

Archmage Fel

Posts: 741 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
See to this mans hand. I am not sure on how to cure burns like this." A man about three rows back from the ranks of men behind Mucker71 walked out and tended to the burn. Pouring an ointment and a bandage from his pocket and applying them with careful care. The ointment felt like ice against the burn but it felt better than the latter. "So why are you here and why did you save us?"
"Let me exsplain..."


Well? waddya think?

25-Aug-2009 19:41:32

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