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RS Story Contest #4 - Survivor

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Supreme Pac
Dec Member 2008

Supreme Pac

Posts: 4,077 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lakrahnaz shrieked in rage, sending Dnaand911 flying back into a nearby wall as his violaceous blade slashed away one of his tendrils.

A flurry of spikes flew towards Dnaand911, striking him in the chest and causing him to crumble to the ground dead. His body began to vanish and soon nothing remained of the would-be conquer.

Lakrahnaz's eye drooped sadly, the only barrage of color taken away with Dnaand911's body leaving behind cold, pasty cerulean walls and icy azure floors.

Keening noises echoed through the dungeon rooms as Lakrahnaz mourned the loss of yet another distraction from the monotonousness of his prison.

He longed for the colors he'd seen in the minds of the many would-be conquerers. The lush emeralds of the Elven lands, or the cool babbling sapphire brook of Misthalin. Even the murky browns, putrid beryls, and dappled skies of Mortanyia would have been a nice change of scenery.

Lakrahnaz snapped out of his reverie, sensing someone approaching. His eyes widened in glee as a flurry of persimmon and mahogany adventures piled into the room charging at him with citron swords and assaulting him with a volley of turquoise arrows.

He spun happily sending sharp, jagged beige spikes into their mist. A few of the warriors fell to the ground, unmoving streams of scarlet liquid pouring from their wounds. Others cried out in pain as the spikes hit them, but continued their charge.

One warrior, who was adorned in deep ashen armor, brought his mighty silver maul down upon Lakrahnaz's eye, causing him to slump the ground, incapacitated by the pain.

With his final look Lakrahnaz saw the warrior raise his dappled maul dragging it downward once more before a deep shadowy veil of darkness settled upon him.

16-Jul-2011 04:30:30 - Last edited on 16-Jul-2011 05:08:58 by Supreme Pac

Tabris V
Oct Member 2010

Tabris V

Posts: 7,587 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Please note that scale theory is heavily in effect.
__________________________________

“Fourth Regiment, to the front!”

The assault on Lumbridge had lasted three weeks already, and Soren Pyke, color-bearer for the Fourth Regiment of the Second Varrock Infantry, had been thanking Saradomin these last three weeks that he had not yet been called into service. This was the first true war that Misthalin had seen in decades, and the inexperience of the soldiers at such deadly games had been fully exposed, with bloody results. Hundreds had died in the incompetently-led assault on the gatehouse, most shot down in a hail of cannon fire and crossbow bolts before they could even launch true scaling attempts. Roald the Third, fool that he was, had not been properly taught by this slaughter and proceeded to throw men at the battlements, attempting to cow his unruly subordinate noble in a display that had succeeded in little else but splashing the outer walls and field of Lumbridge Castle with the maroon hue of crusted gore.

For three weeks, the young soldier had been able to avoid the battle, staying safely camped just inside the border that Misthalin shared with Al-Kharid while horror stories floated back from the castle’s killing grounds. The latest attempt before the new orders came down had been to launch an artillery assault from the banks of the River Lum, but even the dwarf-made cannons had been overpowered by the superior height enjoyed by the Duke’s ranged troops.

Now, Ensign Pyke cursed all the gods that came to mind, and simultaneously apologized in the hope that one of them might give him a little mercy. He was going to war, to the bloody front lines for Saradomin’s sake, and he did*’t even have a weapon to wield. His final thought before a cannonball crushed him was that war was a funny thing; all of this had begun simply because the Duke had wanted to change the garish purple and green of the Misthalin flag.

16-Jul-2011 08:42:00

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
My entry for Rd. 4.

Colour

“Aeryn, these are your new friends from now on. They will take care of you.”

“You mean Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to wake up?”

“They aren’t. “

“Why not?*

*Because they’re gone now, to a better place.”

Aeryn trudged into the room. This was the fifth time that people asked to see him. They would look at him and say that they did*’t want a sad child, for them to send him back, to show them someone happy.

But who was that girl?

The one who shone like a candle in the dark?

The one who made him feel hope?

“I’m Aeryn! What’s your name?”

“Elyssa.”

“Want to play?”

“Play? Babies play. I am going to read a book. Do whatever you want, but remember this: you are not one of us. Never will be.

She turned on her heel and marched away.

“I completed my readings of A History of Gielinor today, my love.”

“Are you aware? But of course you are, my dear: your knowledge is unmatched. I will look only at you, and you will look only at me. I promise.”

“I love you so much.”

“I don’t mind if we do not talk together.”

“I do not mind that you hate me.”

“You will come to love me. You, the spectrum of my happiness itself.”

“Because that is all I have. I will show you that I can be the man for whom you search.”

My closed eyes, set deeply within a tear-tracked face, flutter in my sleep.

--


“Your beauty outshines the stars, my Moon.”

“Thank you, my dear,” she giggles, seating herself delicately on my knee. A red tinge rises to her face, complimenting the mischievous pout that settles upon her tantalizing mouth.

Her hair glitters in the light, flashing and glinting as she tosses the pale golden strands in a wide arc over her shoulder. Her eyes lower slightly as she leans in towards me.

I close my eyes, brushing her lips for a brief moment, then submerging myself in her tantalizing scent, suffusing both of our faces with a red glow.

16-Jul-2011 11:24:36

WintryElf

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I wanted this with all that is me, and it has finally been fulfilled. You are my torment and my pleasure. You are my life.

“I love you, Elyssa,” I murmur into her ear.

A shriek jolts me from my dream. She stands before me, her mischievous pout warped into an expression of disgust.

She stares at me, her eyes hard.

My heart stops.

One fist makes contact with my face, and then another.

“You are a swine. You disgust me, Aeryn Smythe. You are a taint, and I cannot, will not return your vile feelings.”

Each word seems to break upon my ears much more slowly than they escape her lips.

My eyes widen. “Elyssa, I merely-“

“I hate you. I have always hated you. Would that you had been sent to someone else instead of to us! Our mother was working so hard for you.

“Begone! Leave and do not return.”

It can’t come apart. It’s not supposed to come apart.

“Please love me!

“Please care about me! You are all that I have.”

The leather boot slaps my face. My knees protest as they thump to the ground.

Please do not leave me.

Your vibrance is all I have. Mama is gone. Father is gone.
My vision flickers. The colors start to disappear from your skirts, your hair, your clothes.

Stop it. Please.

Don’t turn away.

“You were never the friend I wanted.”

I need you to be the friend I never had.

Yet as my legs collapse, and the ground rushes to meet me, I am left with shades of grey.

WintryElf

**Edit: Asterisk fixery.

16-Jul-2011 11:25:29 - Last edited on 16-Jul-2011 11:28:17 by WintryElf

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sir Lamentar: Another relaxing and smooth-flowing entry from you. Your stance on the theme is really fantastic, and you develop your concept into a nice twist which you integrate subtly in the fifth paragraph. This twist is delivered in such a way not to disrupt the flow and pace of the story, yet allows the reader to think about the ideas that you present in an effective manner. I have some issues with paragraph four, mostly around the repetition of “dampness”, which is a shame after the incredible third paragraph, but the whole story is well-written, integrates a great twist and leaves a subtle and effective impact. Nothing disrupts your tone either, allowing a somewhat tranquil note. Great work.

The Level: You personify the sun really nicely in the first sentence, which sets a great tone for what is to come. Apart from the comma (also in sentence one) that is a little awkward, you develop sentence structure in a credible manner too. Leaving the entry on “black” was a really great reference to the theme with a nice impact, as well as the mirage that you also use in reference to “blue”. I think that your restraint on length is a slight detriment to the overall quality; why not add in some more strong imagery of the heat of the desert? This would help develop a perception of the power of the predicament. Apart from that, you string the theme together nicely with story. Good job with this entry.

16-Jul-2011 13:19:34

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Paccy IV: Before I forget, paragraph five was really well orchestrated, and you string the colours nicely through it. Now, onto some other things I wanted to bring up. I dislike the use of what I assume to be a username at the start of the story. It doesn’t add anything and gets slightly awkward after you say it a few times in quick succession. In regards to the theme, it almost seems as if you are making all description pertain to colour, rather than moulding an idea around the theme itself. Your entry suffers from length, and you need to make more use of the character limit to develop your plot. Having said all that, I do believe that you have formulated an interesting entry. If I had to suggest something, I’d say to make more use of the character limit for sure. You don’t have enough there to maintain a flow, and certainly not enough to leave any sort of impact. (Can you please explain why his sword is violet? I don’t get it. Or is it literally just violet in colour?)

Nyyrikki V: You surprised me with this entry, and it was another great example of the impact you can achieve through something like this. You utilise some strong adjectives really well to formulate an underlying imagery of colour, with few direct references. This means that you can achieve a flow very quickly, a device that you use to capture the audience almost instantaneously. The final sentence changes the serious tone of the entry to a humorous one really quickly, but you do it in a manner that it almost seems like it belongs there, and not disrupting at all to the flow of the story. If I had to mention some form of criticism, I’d say that you could have used more length to develop a more personal connection with the battle and possibly some action. I don’t feel that what you have is long enough for me to care at all that there is a battle. However, the entry is still really well-written and a great example, as I said, of the impact one can achieve through a single post.

16-Jul-2011 13:19:47

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