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Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This won't impact your review whether you change or leave it, it's just something that is bothering me.

"...striking the ocean as if to try to retaliate against its force."

I would cut 'to try'. I feel that it inhibits your flow slightly.

13-Jan-2008 06:26:50

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
After asking you to change this part earlier, I still don't like it. Probably never will...

Anywho, try rewriting this again sometime. However, it is better than the first way you had it, so try to find a third way. If you can't, leave as is.

"He had a rugged face covered in scars. He had long messy black hair and wore a large dark brown pirate hat. His long leather coat was covered in blood, as were his two serrated scimitars."


I swear I posted that...Stupid JaGeX gremlins...

13-Jan-2008 06:35:54 - Last edited on 13-Jan-2008 06:39:29 by Chuk

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