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Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Posts: 5,039 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh, alright, ummm... I don't believe so. Just curious, what specific areas do I have to improve on to get King Writer? And I'd appreciate it if you didn't throw that 'it's just what the requirements say, no grammar mistakes, etc etc,' but actually tell me what I specifically need to improve on.

20-Dec-2007 01:46:15

[#E4B29LWTR]

[#E4B29LWTR]

Posts: 10,317 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, your...Jordan, Jatan, I forget. I noticed some things where you could've made it well... more... emotional, not sure, but I think emotional is the word.

Like, the people were advancing so he jumped off the building and into the water.

The pirates were quickly advancing, jumping from roof top to roof top.

He closed his eyes -- and hurled himself into the water.

*´¨)
¸.´¸.*´¨) ¸.*¨)
(¸.´ (¸.Auro

20-Dec-2007 01:48:58

[#E4B29LWTR]

[#E4B29LWTR]

Posts: 10,317 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Not yet, I just need to see more story.

I also noticed he needed my emotion.

He thought he wouldn't last against the people so he jumped off the building.

There is no thought in it.

*´¨)
¸.´¸.*´¨) ¸.*¨)
(¸.´ (¸.Auro

20-Dec-2007 03:59:20

Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Posts: 5,039 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Umm.. what? That issue had been resolved... Also, you gave me a B+. Now, please edit your post, so as to not start another argument.

Also, one thing, I asked for a list of all of the errors. You said short, choppy sentences and no ending. Having no ending is not an error, and it should not be judged so. If you were going to knock points off for that, then you should've stated so. As for the 'short choppy sentences,' you fail to list an example of a single one when I asked for a list of them.

--Guard

21-Dec-2007 03:24:13 - Last edited on 21-Dec-2007 03:30:22 by Slay Orc 681

Pineappless

Pineappless

Posts: 1,054 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nice going m8, I'm impressed. :) Just two things I wanted to point out. The first is I think Blackhand should "roar" instead of "shout". It's possible I have the wrong idea about him when I was reading, but it sounded like this guy was as much of a tank as any pirate could be. Shouting just sounds a little puny compared to your other descriptions of his character. ;)

The second thing was to maybe take a look at the order you present your information. Especially in short stories, from my perspective as a reader, the order of every sentence which is delivered, and in some cases every word, is really important in setting the scene. In the beginning of your story, it just took some time to figure out what was going on (for example, at first I thought Vanquisher and Pyro were characters, not ships).

Either way I really like what you've got going here; good luck!

21-Dec-2007 05:53:01 - Last edited on 21-Dec-2007 05:53:20 by Pineappless

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