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~The Treasure of Raduon~

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Bonx

Bonx

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thanks. Umm why haven't u been in-game? i really thought u deleted me, the last i heard from you was u suffered a loss while trying to make it back when someone scammed u 800k... then i never heard from u again :(

01-Dec-2007 08:03:20

Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

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~Chapter One~

It was a gorgeous day in the bustling coastal city of Port Sarim. A light breeze blew gracefully through the town, and the waves seemed to dance elegantly to an unseen melodic rhythm.

Joran strode through the cobbled, crowded streets. with an air of confidence. Despite his ragged, worn clothing, his posture and presence gave of the impression that he owned the entire city. He wore long baggy trousers that barely fit him, and an old, worn out white shirt. His face was young, but battle scarred and rugged. He had slightly wild black hair which hung out from a large brown hat, and on his side was a long, thin rapier made out of very fine steel. His blue eyes showed ruthlessness, but also intelligence.

Upon reaching his destination, a small bakery, he removed his hat and trudged inside, unaware that he was being followed.

Inside the dim bakery, Joran took a seat at one of the oak chairs that had obviously not been sat on in a very long time. Looking around, Joran noted the fact that there was nearly a centimeter of dust covering every surface, and there was nobody around. 'Had he not come like he said he would? Had something happened to him?' he thought to himself about this for a while, wondering where he could be.

According to a letter he received recently, he was supposed to be meeting an old friend at a rundown bakery. He apparently had some form of proposition to offer Joran.

02-Dec-2007 07:49:21 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2008 01:32:31 by Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Posts: 5,039 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sighing, Joran decided that his old friend had decided not to come, and so he got himself up and left. After leaving the building, he heard the slightest sound. A whisper, coming from somewhere behind him. Before he could turn around to see who it was, there was a knife pressed up against his back.

"Walk," the person told Joran as he directed him different directions with small pokes in the back with the knife. He had a cruel, predatory voice that sounded like he had not had any form of joy in a very long time.

As Joran was led through the streets into a back alleyway by his unknown aggressor, he spun around in a quick, fluid motion, grabbing the man's wrist which held the knife and twisted it so that he had the man in an arm lock.

He could now see what the person looked like, and it was an image he would not soon forget. The man wore slightly loose fitting clothing which exposed no part of his body except for his dark, merciless eyes. The man had a lean, muscular body and looked like he could take on three men at once.

Questions rushed into Joran's head. His thoughts raced, but one stood out above all, 'Who is this man, and what does he want with me?' He began to feel nervous as he wondered if there were more people with him.

02-Dec-2007 07:49:45 - Last edited on 04-Oct-2008 19:01:37 by Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

Slay Orc 681

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He thought to himself, 'I can't let this man get an opportunity to chase after me, but I can't leave a corpse lying here.' with that thought, Joran bent the man's arm so far back that the bone snapped through the skin. The man shouted out from pain and collapsed to the ground and Joran began sprinting off. He dashed madly through the streets, paying no mind to the people he slammed into.

Joran slowed down to a stop, and bent over to catch his breath. Upon doing so, he noticed that behind him were three men wearing the exact same outfit as the man who had attempted to capture him a minute before. Sprinting as fast as he possibly could, he ran through the streets trying to get away from the mysterious assailants. Seeing an opportunity to get out of eyesight as he spotted a ladder leading onto a rooftop, Joran dashed towards it. As he clambered onto the rooftop, he could see the men chasing after him were only about one hundred feet away. He ran across the rooftops, displaying masterful agility and athleticism.

Joran's heart pounded so fast and hard that it seemed each beat was a massive drum being hit with a club. Perspiration covered his entire body, and he was thoroughly exhausted from this chase. He continued dashing across rooftops, until he stopped at a ledge that had a drop off straight into the sea. He turned back, his mind racing, debating whether to try to jump into the sea, or to go through the men chasing him. He decided that he had a better chance of survival with the sea, and so he leapt off of the edge.

As he was about half way down, he felt an icy chill crawl up his spine as his nerves were temporarily paralyzed by some spell. He knew that if he was unable to move and maneuver himself into the right position, that the impact from hitting the water would most likely kill him. He sped towards the water at an astonishing pace, landing head first. His body went into shock from the immense pain, causing him to slip into unconsciousness.

02-Dec-2007 08:05:20 - Last edited on 20-Jun-2008 01:49:02 by Slay Orc 681

[#80N8R0VWZ]

[#80N8R0VWZ]

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Nice chapter :) I think the brutality of Joran's reactions to the assailant tells a lot about his character...

"Joran bent the man’s arm so far back that the bone snapped through the skin."

Ouch O_o

-~* The Icelandic Grim Reaper is here *~-

02-Dec-2007 14:58:45

Ardmore

Ardmore

Posts: 3,599 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A pretty good start. Perhaps you could have put a bit more emphasis on Blackhand's death rather than incorporating into a massive sentence, but that's just me being pernickety.

Anyways, keep up the good work.

02-Dec-2007 18:01:37

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I like the way this story appears to be developing. It certainly has potential for a nice plot line in my opinion.

I did notice that there are a few places where the story doesn't seem to flow quite right, although I wasn't able to pinpoint the reason.

I shall be back when you get more adds.

K. I'll add them on here in a moment. Here they are.



"On his side was a long, thin rapier made out of very fine steel. His face was young but battle scarred and rugged and he had slightly wild black hair which hung out from a large brown hat."

The transition between the first and second paragraphs of the third (my bad) post of Chapter one also seems a little to abrupt, or something.

"Seeing an opportunity to get of eyesight as he spotted a ladder leading onto a rooftop, Joran dashed towards it."
- Perhaps here you mean 'get out of eyesight' instead of "get of eyesight".


There ya go. There might have been more, but they're not obvious in a second reading.

04-Dec-2007 04:00:58 - Last edited on 04-Dec-2007 04:14:21 by Chuk

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