RuneScape Forum Archive | ~The Treasure of Raduon~

-=- Review of 'The Treasure of Raduon' by Gaurdian1232 -=-

Grammar and Spelling: 22/40

This was definitely your weakest point. However, I take off one point for each error, so it's not that bad. Nineteen errors. Most of your problems were wording in the beginning, but I also noticed more grammar related problems throughout the piece. Watch the wording, it can sometimes take away the entire effect of a piece if it doesn't quite work. However, Scouch has a good idea. Check my tilt.

Aside from that, you did fairly well. I enjoyed reading it, even if I was proofreading.

Not having much to write down was also a huge help.

Below are the errors.

"All around mens shouts could be heard, and the clash of swords along with the pounding of the cannons created a deafening noise."

- mens should be men's, right? (-1)

"He had a rugged face covered in scars and had long messy black hair and wore a large dark brown pirate hat."

- The description is good, but it's worded oddly. This creates a disruption of the sentence and makes the description harder to figure out. A re-wording would help here. Maybe, "His rugged face, covered with scars, was hidden under a large, dark brown pirate hat. Underneath the hat, his long, mesy black hair was able to run freely, blowing in the brisk wind created by the hurricane." (-1)

"Blackhand looked around him, and realized that he was the last of his crew left alive, and around twenty soldiers were approaching him."

- That is worder *very* weirdly. I suggest reworking the sentence completely. Using 'and' twice created the... erm... disruption of the sentence. (-1)

30-Dec-2007 23:04:36 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2007 23:22:31 by CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"'Had he not come like he said he would? Had something happened to him?' He thought to himself about this for a while, wondering where he could be."

- Although it is a thought, he should still be lower case. After the apostrophes, that is. (-1)

"And with that thought, Joran bent the mans arm so far back that the bone snapped through the skin."

- 'And' shouldn't start a new sentence; it should be lower case. (-1)

"As he clambered onto the rooftop, he could see the men chasing after him where only about one hundred feet away."

- 'Where' should be 'were'. (-1)

"Joran awoke from his deep slumber from a putrid scent."

- The repetition here makes the sentence sound... odd. Maybe try replacing the second from with "... slumber due to a pungent scent making its way into the depths of his nostrils." or something to that effect. (-1)

"''Great I can only assume those guys brought me onto their ship after I hit the water, and I'm now in their prison'' He thought to himself."

- Weren't you using apostrophes for thoughts before? Anyway, there should be a comma after great, a comma after prison, and 'He' should be lowercase. (-3)

"''That would explain the smell'' He thought to himself, completely unfazed by the bodies."

- You're missing a comma after himself and 'He' should be lowercase. (-2)

"He appeared to be of average height, and from the bulging arms, quite muscular."

- I'm a little iffy here, but shouldn't there be a comma after and? (-1)

30-Dec-2007 23:04:41 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2007 23:22:21 by CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

"He did*t have the map, for had hidden it on an island adjacent to the one he and Uvedin had found it on."

- There is a censor error, but I'm not taking off for that. You're missing an apostrophe in 'didnt' and you need the word 'he' after 'for' and before'had'. (-2)

"''Imorlen you say? For yer sake I hope ye're wrong, because most of the island is overrun by them tribesmen.'' Uvedin replied in a low tone."

- The period after 'tribesmen' should be a comma. (-1)

"He closed his eyes and sighed audibly. Very well. Set course for Imorlen. If he tries anything, cut off one of his toes and make him eat it.''"

- Need a quotation mark before 'Very'. (-1)

"He turned; his eyes barely open, and looked at the direction of the noise but could see nothing in the darkness."

- I don't believe you need a semicolon here. Instead, use a comma... I think. (-1)

Plot: 54/60

So far, your plot seems to be working fairly well. It's got originality on its side, and it's quite interesting to read. The tension used is especially efefctive in the last post with the dripping water and blood. You used that segment to your full advantage, and I loved it. Still, something to check.

Joran's entrance seemed odd. What was he happy about? Shouldn't he have been a little worried about what he was being called about in the letter? I mean, he got a letter from an anonymous person, telling him to meet at a bakery. >.< Wouldn't he be at least a little nervous? (-6)

That's all I got for you, considering it's so short at the time. Anyway...

Pirate stories are a rarity on these forums, and it's refreshing to see a great one like this.

30-Dec-2007 23:04:45 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2007 23:09:36 by CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Characters: 39/45

Uvedin = pwnage. That's the only way I can describe it. You lacked the physical description, but made up for it with his ruthless personality. He seems so... sadistic, yet, he is cunning and crafty. Great job with him, you just need to fix up his physical description, since it was really lacking. (-2)

Joran = less than pwnage. Joran seems like an okay character for now, but I can't really see into his personality. He seems slightly resourceful, with his ability to study his surroundings with such precision. However, he seems like he doesn't always think things through all the way, thus, making him seem careless. His physical description was okay, but it could use a touch up. (-4)

Anywho, I liked how you tied the two together with the island; it kind of reminds me of Pirates of the Carribbean when Jack was on an island. Except, less rum and more of a sadistical attitude. Anyway, the history was placed pretty well, with the first meeting between the two in years. Yet, I would like to know how he escaped the prison. Since you're probably going to tell us that later in the story, I won't take off or anything. Infact, it adds to the willingness to read.

Imagery: 28/35

You did a great job here as well, I could picture most things perfectly throughout the piece. The battle near the beginning was great, I could almost see myself there, watching the events unfold. However, you failed to describe the navy and its soldiers. I, personally, would have liked to know who exactly was being chopped to pieces. (-7)

Overall, you were able to describe things well, and you were able to create a great amount of suspense using it. I especially enjoyed your last add.

Originality: 20/20

So far, your plot is pretty original. You don't see many pirate stories on the forum today... I can't really say anything here. >.< I'm going to need to start editing my review... erm... thingy. XD

30-Dec-2007 23:04:53 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2007 23:11:13 by CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Tilt: 9/+-10

Scouch's idea is great, and I feel as though you deserve a 26/40 on your mechanics instead of a 21/30. Since, well, your mistakes all seem to revolve around the same basic things. ^_^

Also, the other four were added because I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

Total (Using Scouch's idea; IE: Adding 5 more tilt points): 170/200
Original Total: 165/200

'The Treasure of Raduon' is an awesome story of pirates and treasure, but mostly pirates. Your mechanics pulled you down. I didn't notice spelling errors, though. I mainly noticed grammar mistakes. Your plot is excellent, your characters are good, and this is a very original story.

Final grade: 85.0% -- B

30-Dec-2007 23:08:32 - Last edited on 30-Dec-2007 23:22:50 by CaptChekaka

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~The Treasure of Raduon~