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Yrolg

Yrolg

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The following is a review for "The Priceless".
Hello. I am posting this as per request, from my reviewing thread.
“"To love at all is to be vulnerable." ~ C.S. Lewis “
You begin your prolegomenon with a statement that you dislike clichés, and yet you begin with the cliché of utmost proportions: the quote. I highly suggest removing one of the two statements. I personally did*’t find your mentioning that you dislike clichés relevant or beneficial, and I think that this quote is a relatively good quality quote. I therefore suggest removing the phrase from your prolegomenon.

“"What a noob!” David muttered, perhaps to himself as he scrolled down the Hiscores, examining each stat closely, and frowned at the screen, “
You begin with the participle ‘examining” meaning it is an ongoing action, and then you abruptly switch to the use of the active tense, with “frowned”. This does not create a flow, nor does it lead to a conclusive sentence, switching tenses in the middle. Perhaps a better sentence would read, “David muttered, perhaps to himself, as he scrolled down the Hiscores, examining each stat closely and frowning at the screen.”
With the above example you will also be using commas appropriate, to induce flow in the correct manner. By saying “, perhaps to himself” without a comma after the final word, you are not yielding for pause, making the first comma obsolete. Most commonly, when you put a small phrase such as “perhaps to himself” or “though he did*’t know it”, and other such narrative remarks, which give uncertainty or provide a less-than-formal approach, you will need to use commas in pairs. Commas serve more of a purpose than just connecting ideas.
Also, please make sure that you don’t use colloquial abbreviations like ‘stat’. Either use the full word, or find a new one. “Skill” perhaps, instead of “stat” or “statistic”.

14-Mar-2009 02:05:24 - Last edited on 27-Mar-2009 00:47:52 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“I scowled at this comment – I was shocked with disbelief, and for a moment I could not even breathe – these cold words blasted the last trickle of my hope away.”
This is another example of where punctuation makes a very big impact upon your story, as does word choice. To ‘scowl’ is “to wrinkle the brow” according to Merriam Webster, and yet you maintain that the narrator, I shall start referring to this person as ‘you’ to simplify things, that you are shocked, appalled, and in disbelief. “Scowling” doesn’t seem to fit that arena, perhaps: “I grew even more tense with this statement.”
You will notice that I ended in a period. Whilst I, personally, am able to complete entire paragraphs as an entire you sentence, this is not an instance to attempt and do so. Instead of a hyphen, you should be using a full-stop. This leaves the reader time to completely let the statement set in: maximizing impact. “I grew even more tense at this statement. [pause] I was shocked with disbelief, and could not even breath, for a moment: these cold words blasted the last fragment of my hope away”.
Trickle, to me, and at first, to most, is a verb. Therefore, using it in a noun or adjective form will only confuse the reader. You should instead use a word that insinuates brokenness, and shattered dreams. “Fragment” is a perfect example.
“ It was as if my heart was burning in hell’s fury … then when it cooled there was bitterness, a sourness that could never be fully described, and a chilled sympathy that could not be expressed. *
You should really not ever use ellipses in the middle of a sentence. Even when used correctly, they are very unwieldy to a regular reader, who just takes them as a pause prior to inflection.

14-Mar-2009 02:05:27 - Last edited on 13-Jul-2010 22:04:41 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

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“"It's over, then,” I finally got the message. “
This is one example where you display something known as ‘amphiboly’, or making unclear your meaning through grammar or sentence structure. Did the narrator say *It’s over, then,” or was it a thought? You should be very clear with dialogue, or at least when it’s being used, because otherwise your reader will not know what is public information, what was happening at that time, and what is an afterthought of the narrator, just a remark placed in after the fact.
Personally I think that this means that it was a thought, but that you used quotation marks instead of apostrophes. A good idea is to use apostrophes or tilde when making quotes on the RuneScape Forums. Because we cannot use italics, there is no differentiation between normal text and what might have been italicized. We also cannot discern the different between dialogue quotation marks and thought quotation marks because no visible difference exists.

““It’s not your fault,” I whispered to the Hiscores, and felt an overwhelming pang of guilt flooding all over me.”
This is something that you do with alarming frequency. You state a quote, and then state you iterated it. You then combine with that information, after the indirect object, another complete clause. It does not flow well to have a thought after the end of a sentence. If you must do this, I suggest using transitory material such as *I then” instead of “and”, and other such phrases.
“Sometime after David’s departure when I was alone again, I looked out through the window into Christmas Eve, appalled and disgusted with what the reality had to offer. “
This is just one small note, but reality doesn’t need a “the” in front of it. There is only one reality, in this instance, at least, so it needs no *the”. It inhibits flow severely.

14-Mar-2009 02:05:30 - Last edited on 27-Mar-2009 00:49:57 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“There was only one bus that could get me to college on time. Apart from the fact that the driver was always a little earlier than expected I could never catch that bus, although sometimes I knew I would’ve caught it if I had run (presumably all the way from home, which would take over two minutes). “
This entire paragraph really doesn’t make sense. It is the beginning of the tale, really. It is not the prolegomenon, nor the exordium: it is the actual beginning, and you have created the beginning in a hazy fog, where the reader doesn’t really know what you’re talking about. “Apart” normally insinuates that there’s another fact, *Apart from being habitually sick, I’m generally a rather healthy person.” Your first sentence leads the reader into the second, which warrants that you give the reader some information. Instead you state that it is always early, and that is all. Even though you insinuated there was more. This might also be an instance where a comma is needed after the word “expected*. I don’t know for sure, because your meaning is unclear.
It’s always a good idea to give as much description as you can, in beginning paragraphs, especially those that set the scene. I do not know if this is setting the scene, mind you, because it really doesn’t flow well with the other portions of the text. You go through the following sequence: Lots of coursework, one working bus, RuneScape is good.
I fail to see the tying connections which link those all together. You need more transition material, and this stands for your entire piece. For a twenty post story, it has, in my opinion, too many abrupt changes in scenery. Transitory material will provide better flow, will give you the ability to show off some of your writing skills, and will “beef up” your piece. You should probably follow a more complex sequence, such as: New to college, lots of coursework, no car and one impossible-to-catch bus, hectic life, RuneScape is a way to escape.

14-Mar-2009 02:05:33 - Last edited on 27-Mar-2009 00:50:21 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

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This ties your three existing ideas together.
“He was my soul-mate, and I never had a soul-mate before. “
This is an example of something that you don’t do too often, but something that is fairly persistent. This is an incomplete sentence, in my mind. Either you need to say “I had never had a soul-mate before” or “I never had a soul-mate before David.”

“Although David had quitted “
“Quitted” is a horrific word to use. I suggest always simply using ‘quit’. “Although David had quit…”

“During that month I completed several assignments for him which included gathering a thousand heaps of coal-ore in return for a shiny scimitar (Which I found out recently, regrettably, that I could’ve bought four scimitars from any other merchants for the same price). “
During the rest of the story, you portray Kipplin as a man of infinite generosity, and disproportionate integrity. Having him underpay you really doesn’t fit into the rest of his persona very well.

“…It was a warm summer day and as usual, the school yard was filled with joy and laughter. Some children preferred hanging around in a large group, playing silly games with each other or just simply out of the fear of being left out. Some children preferred hanging around in a smaller group, seeking genuine soul-mates and studied together in the library, or consulting each other for academic knowledge.*
I really like this paragraph. It is great foreshadowing, and I see intrinsic symbolism, whether intentional or not. I don’t like, however, that you begin it with an ellipsis. As I have already stated, you should use these with the utmost rarity. Remember that sentences NEVER start with an ellipsis. It’s grammatically incorrect, and is severely inhibitive to the flow of your piece.

14-Mar-2009 02:13:12 - Last edited on 27-Mar-2009 00:50:45 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“"You should come out more, Alex,” David suggested when the bell sounded, “Wanna come to my birthday party on Saturday? It will be great to see you.” No one ever invited Alex to a party before, mainly because of his ‘twisted interests’. It was a friendly, miraculous moment of invitation from the whole, wide world. Kipplin was in tears; these few words had banished the universe, the world of darkness in which Alex had known, forever… “
In exact contrast to how you began this portion, without definity, you end your part, here, with indefinite closure. I have two opinions on this: firstly, you should make it clear that this took place prior to the sequence of events which the author describes. Make it absolutely clear that this is a story, being told by Kipplin. Secondly, make sure that to each idea in your story, you offer closure. Having a trailing tangent followed by the abrupt stop of “****” really doesn’t work out well.

I want you to realize that what is above is simply a short list of examples of repetitive mistakes that you make. I tried to not over-state them, but certain mistakes were very persistent, and I thought it would be best to show multiple examples. Additionally, please realize that there are many mistakes I did not post. This is because they fall under the explanations I posted above. Having given you the tools to correct them, it is now your duty, as author, to improve your piece.

Your plot is really quite interesting. You manage to incorporate a lot of ideas that I would not at first expect from your piece. I remember reading them, when it was advertised a few weeks after it was made. I remembered especially the opening scene. This is a good thing, showing that your opener—the weirdly placed ****** of your piece—is highly memorable.

14-Mar-2009 02:13:21 - Last edited on 27-Mar-2009 00:51:44 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
There were, however, a few rough spots. I was not particularly fond of your plot’s simplicity. Maintain continuous flow, and do not create revelations unnecessarily fast; I noticed that your plot was very basic, and moved at an incredible speed. You should try to elaborate more, which will slow it down, and create sub-plots, making it more complex. These two benefits will also combine with the impossibility of revealing key components too fast, and will make your story great.
As I mentioned in my grammar review, you should definitely try to incorporate more transition material. This was perhaps the weakest point of your piece, that you failed to describe enough, to provide enough material to successfully skip between times. Each portion of your story must have an opener, and most importantly, must have closure.
Also, try to make David as clear as possible. Being the main antagonist of the story, he really is not that clear: he has blond hair, blue, piercing eyes, and is successful. That’s really all the information you provided. You should try to orchestrate some examples of his success, as well as to demonstrate his great popularity within the school.
Another big drawback from your piece was the vagueness of the love Kipplin feels for David. Is it an admiral love, making David an idol; or is it an intimate love, making several points the censor won’t let me explain. This latter, which seems more likely, could have deep affections to Jenna, and the condition that David and she share. Perhaps explain this a bit more.

14-Mar-2009 02:13:24 - Last edited on 24-Jan-2010 15:17:33 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
And most of all, please incorporate the title into your story. After having read it, I really cannot see any correlation, other than vague clichés. Make an epilogue, or make an ending which directly mentions how love, forsaken, forgotten love, is priceless. The anguish which accompanies the feelings of betrayal, and abortion are priceless, in their deep and intimate association with the heart and human soul. Make a deep and prolific point at the end, tying your quote and your title into the story.

The following is the rubric you gave yourself:
Literary Tools: 63/80
--Description: 18/25
--Voice: 12/15
--Depth: 9/10
--Analysis: 8/10
--Word Choice: 8/10
--Symbolism: 5/5
--Juxtaposition: 3/5
Structure: 49/70
--Format: 20/25
--Grammar: 10/15
--Usage: 10/15
--Sentence Configuration: 5/10
--Basics: 4/5
Plot: 38/60
--Development: 20/30
--Intricacy: 10/20
--Consistency: 8/10
Other: 39/50
--Impact: 12/15
--Ending: 12/15
--Empathetic Ties: 7/10
--Theme: 8/10
Total: 189/260.

14-Mar-2009 02:13:28 - Last edited on 24-Jan-2010 15:17:25 by Yrolg

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The following is my rubric for “The Priceless*:
Literary Tools: 54/80, 67%
--Description: 15/25
--Voice: 9/15
--Depth: 9/10
--Analysis: 7/10
--Word Choice: 8/10
--Symbolism: 2/5
--Juxtaposition: 4/5
Structure: 48/70, 68%
--Format: 20/25
--Grammar: 8/15
--Usage: 13/15
--Sentence Configuration: 4/10
--Basics: 3/5
Plot: 46/60, 76%
--Development: 23/30
--Intricacy: 14/20
--Consistency: 9/10
Other: 43/50, 86%
--Impact: 14/15
--Ending: 10/15
--Empathetic Ties: 9/10
--Theme: 10/10
Total: 192/260, 73.8%
Your strongest category, by far, was “Other”. I really think that the theme and impact were great. I really wish that the ending were stronger: it would improve empathetic ties, as well as the ending category. You scored lowest on Literary Tools. This is mostly because you lack description and consistent voice. If you improved your description, your description, depth, analysis, and symbolism scores would most likely increase. Your “Structure” category score would also probably increase, showing more of what you now know how to do.

14-Mar-2009 02:13:31 - Last edited on 24-Jan-2010 15:17:17 by Yrolg

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