forums.rs

Forums

~` Frost `~

Quick find code: 49-50-191-53835925

of 29
uqgbqyihvkl

uqgbqyihvkl

Posts: 4,078 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This is a shortened review with less paragraphs than normal because the story is so short it only needs a certain amount.

Your grammar and spelling were nearly perfect. You used a comma when you should have used a semi colon before the word 'however'. The first time you used it, you used it right but not the second time. Also, you spelling weathering wrong. You forgot the 'a' after the 'e'. I don't know if Jagex will catch them, but I would find in change them just in case.

Your plot was great. The introduction and interruptions seemed like a Rod Sterling's Twilight Zone episode. I didn't like how you just left the kid Jackson just hanging. What happened, did he wake up and not find the presents and cry or did his mom get up before him and go out and buy some presents so he would be happy? You also showed good foreshadowing when Samuel expressed his jealousy that Santa Clause got all of the credit.


As I said before, your character on Jackson was too brief and you didn't continue his story. Also, his speech was very fake, a kid wouldn't ask what else is there. Santa also seemed a little too cautious when talking to Samuel, if he was the head elf then he should trust him. Also, Samuel should have been more worried when 'he realized what he had done!'.

I understand that the pace had to be quick as it was a 1.5k word limit, but there is one part that bugs me. The elves part was kind of jumpy when you were describing the conveyor belt and everything.

Frost was good and probably will make a mark in Jagex's mind. I don't know about winning, but it is still great.

6/10

21-Nov-2007 23:29:35 - Last edited on 21-Nov-2007 23:29:50 by uqgbqyihvkl

Quick find code: 49-50-191-53835925 Back to Top