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Bernadette
Dec Member 2021

Bernadette

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Well this went a long way overnight …
Team Skull said :
And now my mother is an enabler … How do I tell my mother she needs to fucking stop enabling my eldest in living like a slob and to actually apply pressure to get her act together? What do you find most troubling?

Your sister lives on the dole
Her house is a mess
Your sister has two children and another on the way
Your mother helps your sister get her house in order
Your mother was helping your sister financially
Your sister didn’t help with a chore
Your sister might want to move into the family home when your mum dies
Your sister is overweight and has a bad diet
She had a job and left it, whilst you are now studying for your own future employment
She and her children are receiving help with food nutrition via WIC and SNAP
Generally, her having children without enough income, which you regard as a social liability
She didn’t take any notice of you speaking to her, or your other sister’s attempts to help
The fact that your sister has a higher !Q than you, attended a good Uni but didn’t cope with it

If the basic problem is that you dislike your Mum helping your sister, she probably won’t stop because your eldest sister is her child, who she sees as needing help regardless as to whether she is the root cause of her own problems. She may even help more now that another grandchild is on the way. If your mother hasn't already been browbeaten to your way of thinking towards your older sister, she probably won't pay more than lipservice to your continued complaints. You can either continue to rage about it or just accept that is the way it will probably be, for a while at least.

If the problem is that you don't like your sister's choices in life as they don't reflect her intellectual abilities and are financially inadvisable, there isn't much you can do about it - it doesn't sound like she takes much notice of you, so is there any benefit to you to continue raging about it?
One man's Truth is another man's Lie

27-Aug-2017 16:46:21

Team Skull
Aug Member 2008

Team Skull

Posts: 24,511 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Averia Light said :

For one, are you assuming that your mom will watch the kids fulltime? After all, retired people don't often jump at the idea of working fulltime again, even if it means watching their grandkids. It is not their inherent duty and they don't have to unless they want to. Most are only willing to watch the kids for one day, which is why I brought it up.

She said something to the effect of "I will look after the kids while you are at work (which would imply 2-3 times a week", and I am also fairly certain the father's parents spoke up about it too since they are also their grandkids. Not certain on my father though- would have to talk with him.

Averia Light said :

Second, although retired doesn't mean 62.5+, it often does (otherwise the word to describe such situations is usally unemployed). So assuming she is up there in age, can she actually watch what I assume are two young kids + an infant fulltime?

My mother taught Pre-Kindergarten (or basically Nursery School for those not familiar with American education) up until literally this year, so I have no doubts she has the capability to watch them. "Revenge...is like a rolling stone, which, when a man hath forced up a hill, will return upon him with a greater violence, and break those bones whose sinews gave it motion."- Jeremy Taylor

27-Aug-2017 17:10:08

Team Skull
Aug Member 2008

Team Skull

Posts: 24,511 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bernadette said :
What do you find most troubling?

Your sister lives on the dole <----------
Her house is a mess <----------
Your sister has two children and another on the way
Your mother helps your sister get her house in order
Your mother was helping your sister financially
Your sister didn’t help with a chore <-------
Your sister might want to move into the family home when your mum dies <----------
Your sister is overweight and has a bad diet <----------
She had a job and left it, whilst you are now studying for your own future employment <---
She and her children are receiving help with food nutrition via WIC and SNAP <----- (knowing she is able-bodied and has resources readily available to alleviate costs outside of welfare)

Generally, her having children without enough income, which you regard as a social liability <----------

She didn’t take any notice of you speaking to her, or your other sister’s attempts to help <------

The fact that your sister has a higher !Q than you, attended a good Uni but didn’t cope with it <----- moreso the fact she squandered her potential more than anything

Plus the simple fact I have a disability that seriously impacts my daily living and functioning and I don't use it as an excuse to not work. "Revenge...is like a rolling stone, which, when a man hath forced up a hill, will return upon him with a greater violence, and break those bones whose sinews gave it motion."- Jeremy Taylor

27-Aug-2017 17:15:36 - Last edited on 27-Aug-2017 17:17:29 by Team Skull

Bernadette
Dec Member 2021

Bernadette

Posts: 5,417 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sometimes, no matter how much you can see a situation needs improving, you just can't make it happen until the person involved recognises their problems.

If your Mother does continue to give some help at least your nephews/nieces will be getting a better start in life than if she totally withdrew all help.
One man's Truth is another man's Lie

27-Aug-2017 17:18:19

Averia Light

Averia Light

Posts: 28,508 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Team Skull said :
Averia Light said :

For one, are you assuming that your mom will watch the kids fulltime? After all, retired people don't often jump at the idea of working fulltime again, even if it means watching their grandkids. It is not their inherent duty and they don't have to unless they want to. Most are only willing to watch the kids for one day, which is why I brought it up.

She said something to the effect of "I will look after the kids while you are at work (which would imply 2-3 times a week", and I am also fairly certain the father's parents spoke up about it too since they are also their grandkids. Not certain on my father though- would have to talk with him.

Averia Light said :

Second, although retired doesn't mean 62.5+, it often does (otherwise the word to describe such situations is usally unemployed). So assuming she is up there in age, can she actually watch what I assume are two young kids + an infant fulltime?

My mother taught Pre-Kindergarten (or basically Nursery School for those not familiar with American education) up until literally this year, so I have no doubts she has the capability to watch them.

Fair enough. Yeah your sister should get at least a part time job if she has such a mother. A ton of American women don't have such a mom, at least in my experience. Mostly because the moms are working themselves, they are too old/disabled, or several other reasons (and we only get 3 months, which means the child still is a ton of work). This is why I tend to think there is something else going on, but yeah, there are obviously lazy ones as well. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

27-Aug-2017 17:20:36 - Last edited on 27-Aug-2017 17:31:16 by Averia Light

Bernadette
Dec Member 2021

Bernadette

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As your sister seems resistant to going back into the mainstream workforce, does she have any outside interests/hobbies that could provide part time employment ie arts and crafts; musical abilities; computer abilities?
One man's Truth is another man's Lie

27-Aug-2017 17:31:19

Team Skull
Aug Member 2008

Team Skull

Posts: 24,511 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Averia Light said :

I legitimately don't think she does.

Michelle, I think he thinks you are trying to defend the sister because you see a bit of yourself in the sister, figuratively speaking ofc.

It's shit like this that makes me think you're more intelligent than the average human. "Revenge...is like a rolling stone, which, when a man hath forced up a hill, will return upon him with a greater violence, and break those bones whose sinews gave it motion."- Jeremy Taylor

27-Aug-2017 17:32:14

Averia Light

Averia Light

Posts: 28,508 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I have average intelligence. I've never been tested, but there isn't a reason for me to believe that I have a higher IQ than most people.

And tbh, I don't need to have a higher IQ or even know my IQ. I am living comfortably and I am not too far off from my end goal in my career.

Sorry, I just thought I would bring it up, because I know IQ is a big thing for you. And I swear I'm not going to let her know all the pain I have known

27-Aug-2017 17:38:12

Team Skull
Aug Member 2008

Team Skull

Posts: 24,511 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Averia Light said :
I have average intelligence. I've never been tested, but there isn't a reason for me to believe that I have a higher IQ than most people.

And tbh, I don't need to have a higher IQ or even know my IQ. I am living comfortably and I am not too far off from my end goal in my career.

Sorry, I just thought I would bring it up, because I know IQ is a big thing for you.

Remind me of what you do again- actuarial work IIRR? "Revenge...is like a rolling stone, which, when a man hath forced up a hill, will return upon him with a greater violence, and break those bones whose sinews gave it motion."- Jeremy Taylor

27-Aug-2017 17:44:08

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