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The Level

The Level

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Sorry for my absence, I lost membership briefly but have regained it. Will stay tuned to this. :)

Okay, I've caught up with what you've written. Your flow has gotten a lot better since the beginning. Now I think you can be more descriptive about the world around the main character. You've gotten emotions and actions down, but use vivid imagery and tone words to give the reader a better picture of what's going on. Make sure not to just dump description on the reader though. Weave it in to the story, make it part of the story.

04-May-2013 22:31:47 - Last edited on 04-May-2013 22:42:21 by The Level

sanelyinsane
Jun Member 2019

sanelyinsane

Posts: 13,329 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
With that, Lincoln turned and walked out of the room, leaving me to my jumbled thoughts. Who was this man and how did he know where I was? Was he the one who put me there in the first place? Judging by the way Lincoln spoke of him, I did not want to meet this man.

That led to my second worry. Lincoln and Aaron had no problems selling me off to this lunatic. I began to pace back and forth across the room as I tried to think of a way out of this crappy situation. I figured I could sneak off while the brothers were distracted, but then realized that I did not know my way through the caves. So that meant I would have to make my escape when we reached the surface. I was pretty confident that I could outrun at least Aaron, he did*’t look like he did much running. Lincoln, on the other hand, could be a problem, but I would have to worry about that later.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I was barely paying attention to my surroundings and only stopped to look around when a light reached the corner of my eye. I paused my pacing and glanced over at the computer on the desk. Somehow it had turned on. Warily I approached it and saw a blank, white screen glowing softly. I glanced down and saw the power cord hanging below the desk; attached to nothing.

05-May-2013 16:21:40 - Last edited on 05-May-2013 20:14:42 by sanelyinsane

sanelyinsane
Jun Member 2019

sanelyinsane

Posts: 13,329 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The screen flashed and I took a step back in alarm as words began to quickly scroll across the screen. At first they were just gibberish or all jumbled up, but as soon as the mystery typist finished, the letters began to rearrange themselves into words that said:

The rule of man is coming to a close. I look forward to meeting you Chris!

The words were replaced by the figure of a man in all black with a crimson hood. The hood obscured all but his mouth and I could see him grinning with unrestrained glee.

Until that day, I will be watching.

The monitor began to shake and smoke as the smile widened on the man’s face.

Don’t disappoint me!

With a final shudder the front of the computer monitor blew out. With a yell I ducked as glass and shrapnel from in the computer flew over my head.

05-May-2013 16:26:15

sanelyinsane
Jun Member 2019

sanelyinsane

Posts: 13,329 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Holy crap are the forums being irritable today. Took me ten minutes to edit a message and post two new ones.

Anyways. I have some new stuff at the top of page two, and now I am using live posts starting two posts above this. If this goes on for a long time, I'll probably add a table of contents or something.

Anyways, enjoy cause things just got a bit more sinister.

05-May-2013 16:32:40

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I've been keeping tabs on this thread for a few weeks now, but I thought since I have a bit of free time now I'd offer some thoughts. First of all, welcome to our little corner of the Internet. I hope you enjoy your time here and get around to reading some of the great stories and poems we have.

With regards to the story, I don't know that I was a fan of so quickly transitioning to a climactic, energy-packed chase scene. A bit of exposition or introduction would have been nice, just so that we had some context for the scene in which Chris (I'm assuming this is the narrator) is dragged to the door. The chase scene was well-executed, and aside from what I thought was too much dialogue at the beginning of it (Aaron doesn't seem the person to entertain much talking, especially against his will), I thought it was captivating. There was a small issue where Chris complains about his eyes adjusting to the light and then suddenly can see perfectly into the darkness to identify the freaks. Eye adjustment takes a while, but your transition was instantaneous.

Additionally, I thought it was a bit corny in the very beginning of his realization of amnesia. It just seemed trite. Later on, you did a much better job of explaining his thought process, but I think the execution in the beginning could use a bit of work.

Nevertheless, I liked the piece so far and had no trouble reading through it engaged and interested. There were some grammar errors here and there and I'm not a fan of the overly-colloquial narration, but the dialogue and action so far have compensated for those things somewhat. I look forward to seeing more in the future.

18-May-2013 11:17:55

sanelyinsane
Jun Member 2019

sanelyinsane

Posts: 13,329 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sorry for like the month of silence. I haven't really been able to write lately due to work and hanging out with friends, not to mention it's hit or miss on whether I can even use the forums. I'll try to write soon (if anyone is still there lol).

04-Jun-2013 02:40:18

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