forums.rs

Forums

Long Lost

Quick find code: 49-50-984-64922495

of 5
sanelyinsane
Jun Member 2019

sanelyinsane

Posts: 13,329 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Aaron and I did*’t believe a word of it.” He continued. “We had both been to the place he was talking about and there was no cave. Aaron, in his usual bad mood, grabbed the stranger by the front of his robes and dragged him over to the door. He was about to fling the mad man out when we both heard the unmistakable sound of money. He pulled out a bulging sack, and showed us its contents then tossed it to me and said another one filled twice as much would be ours if we brought him his property. We needed that money badly, so we accepted and followed his directions. We were both surprised when the cave he mentioned turned out to not only exist, but led deep underground. We followed it, trying to avoid the freaks on the way through, until we got here and found you.”

“So you don’t know anything about this man?” I asked.

Almost as though it was an unconscious reaction, Lincoln eyes darted around the room before answering. “The man gave us no name and no clue as to who he is. All I know is the situation did not feel right. The man seemed to enjoy our discomfort and thought it was great fun when Aaron was going to throw him out. I don’t know where he got his money, and frankly I don’t care. I just know we’ll be taking our second payment and then telling him to leave. Anyways,” he added, pointing to the door that Aaron had left through, “we’ll be leaving as soon as we get our gear packed. I’ll come and get you when we’re ready. It’ll take a day or two in order to reach the surface so we should start moving as soon as possible.”

21-Apr-2013 16:21:49 - Last edited on 05-May-2013 16:19:24 by sanelyinsane

The Level

The Level

Posts: 8,999 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You're off to a good start, I think, though at the moment there isn't much to judge. You get the feeling of disorientation right, especially with the hanging upside down.

One thing I noticed is that your sentences aren't very tight, as in there are a lot of superfluous parts. For example:

''I felt panic start to set in, my breathing becoming labored and my heart racing.''

First off, there should be a semicolon after 'set in' since those are two independent clauses. Secondly, you could probably tighten the sentence up to something like this:

''I felt panic start to set in; my breathing became labored and my heart raced.''

These little adjustments make a world of difference when it comes to flow.

Anyway, that's all I have at the moment. I'll be following this thread and I hope you stick around because this forum needs new authors badly. :)

21-Apr-2013 18:12:42

sanelyinsane
Jun Member 2019

sanelyinsane

Posts: 13,329 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Heh thanks for the kind words. I may apply for your purple library in the future :P (please tell me you like the Tampa Bay Rays, I may be too scared to try if you don't lol).

Aw well I'm off for tonight. My poor brain needs sleep to survive these last two weeks of school. I may write a bit in the morning, but tomorrow night will be hit or miss depending on whether or not I can finish my homework in time.

23-Apr-2013 04:58:14

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'd be happy to see you apply, though you'll probably want to (at least) crack the 10 post length before you do so, so I can judge you more on your writing than on the lack of it (if that makes any sense).

Ah, the Rays. They may not be the Devil Rays anymore, but as a Blue Jays fan few teams have been more devilish these past few years. That said, I won't judge you too much for being one of their twenty fans ;) .

23-Apr-2013 05:18:16

Quick find code: 49-50-984-64922495 Back to Top