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~~Brotherly Love~~
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Hey English. I'm sorry it took me so terribly long but I finished reading your story now.
I was very happy with the last two chapters, though the ending was very unexpected. I'm not going to point out silly little sentences again because not only there were few, but also because it dishonors the quality I found in the piece. I'm glad you decided to put the focus in these last chapters on the mind and interaction of Edward, because those were also the stronger points in the earliest chapters. I'm pretty sure you made some enemies in the Christian circles of these forums, but I couldn't manage to suppress a smile when I read the part. (I'm pretty sure you know which part I'm referring to) Still, it felt a bit odd because ultimately no consequences were tied to that part of the chapter (I had suspected some more information on the aftermath of Edwards release) so that was a bit disappointing, to not see all those Saradomin priests succumb under Edward's wrath. Oh, did I just let my sadistic side out there?
I'm glad you highlighted Ronny's thoughts in the aftermath. It was easy to see the change of focus from the main story, which was also necessary because of the different nature of the text.
Some minor things I found a little odd while reading through the chapters:
"Edward was on a penguin expedition, the King claimed, and would not return until further notice."
Seriously, penguin expedition? I found it rather amusing, but it doesn't fit at all in the very serious nature of the chapter.
"Then he has made his mind up about Ronny, and nothing could be changed. Edward has had five years to make up his mind, so why did Ronny believe he could change everything in a magical moment?"
Are the tenses supposed to be this way?
Anyhow, thanks for entertaining me, you did a very good job. And I hope this helps in your story reflection.
~ Mippow
I was very happy with the last two chapters, though the ending was very unexpected. I'm not going to point out silly little sentences again because not only there were few, but also because it dishonors the quality I found in the piece. I'm glad you decided to put the focus in these last chapters on the mind and interaction of Edward, because those were also the stronger points in the earliest chapters. I'm pretty sure you made some enemies in the Christian circles of these forums, but I couldn't manage to suppress a smile when I read the part. (I'm pretty sure you know which part I'm referring to) Still, it felt a bit odd because ultimately no consequences were tied to that part of the chapter (I had suspected some more information on the aftermath of Edwards release) so that was a bit disappointing, to not see all those Saradomin priests succumb under Edward's wrath. Oh, did I just let my sadistic side out there?
I'm glad you highlighted Ronny's thoughts in the aftermath. It was easy to see the change of focus from the main story, which was also necessary because of the different nature of the text.
Some minor things I found a little odd while reading through the chapters:
"Edward was on a penguin expedition, the King claimed, and would not return until further notice."
Seriously, penguin expedition? I found it rather amusing, but it doesn't fit at all in the very serious nature of the chapter.
"Then he has made his mind up about Ronny, and nothing could be changed. Edward has had five years to make up his mind, so why did Ronny believe he could change everything in a magical moment?"
Are the tenses supposed to be this way?
Anyhow, thanks for entertaining me, you did a very good job. And I hope this helps in your story reflection.
~ Mippow
08-May-2011 14:17:56 - Last edited on 08-May-2011 14:18:11 by [#KTGDNKTPA]
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