forums.rs

Forums

Nildi of Keldagrim

Quick find code: 49-50-957-32282822

of 94
Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Maia, I can't thank you enough!

My goodness, it's so simple now that you've actually explained the rule behind using commas with conjunctions. I struggle with some of those finer points because I've never been taught grammar or writing in a formal sense, so I appreciate your elucidation more than you know! :)

Thank you also for the positive notes - it's nice to get some feedback on which elements are noteworthily enjoyable. Did I just construct a new word? Heh, I don't care :P Oh, and if you wanted to use any parts of this story as examples of what to do (or even not to do), feel free. I'd be honored!

Right then, time to find some more comma-related errors before you do...

Dreamweaver


P.S. I fixed the first error you highlighted with:

“He needed water and rest, and HE had to stop for a time while he drank and coughed."

I assume that by slipping a "he" after the "and," we now have two complete sentences, which allows comma to stay for readability.

18-Nov-2006 08:52:19 - Last edited on 18-Nov-2006 08:56:56 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
***Escape from Port Khazard***

Finding themselves in a back alley, the four companions ran as quietly as they could through the shadows, heading in the direction of the docks. The sun had now set, making their sneaking somewhat easier in the gloom, but they still had to carefully check around every corner before running on. A couple of times they caught sight of guards and were forced to wait or take a different turn, but eventually they reached the smithy on the eastern side of town and peeked out at the harbor area.

Unfortunately, there were no more buildings to hide behind. There were various stacks of crates, barrels, boxes of merchandise and even a Dwarven multi-cannon sitting on the docks, but there was no way three wizards could sneak through it all undetected. To make matters worse, they had tied up the Bounteous Lady at one of the southernmost jetties, which was still a few minutes walk away – a walk across an area swarming with guards.

“Nildi,” whispered Zavistic quietly, “no one is looking for a Dwarf. I do not think anyone would blink twice if you strolled openly to the boat and got ready to cast off. We may be in a hurry when we get there ourselves.”

Nodding, Nildi whispered his consent, walked back to the other side of the smithy and then struck a path directly across the cargo area towards the southern pier. A few people glanced at him, mildly surprised to see a Dwarf in town, yet a busy port such as this gained visitors from many varied places. Most people probably just assumed he had something to do with that multi-cannon. He managed to reach the little boat without incident and started to untie one of the two ropes that were securing it.

~continued~

18-Nov-2006 11:10:33 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2009 05:57:08 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Out of nowhere, a tree near the center of the town erupted into flames. It was a diversion! In just a couple of minutes, the harbor was completely clear of guards, all of them running to the most obvious point of excitement and possible crime.

Nildi peered towards the smithy as he struggled with the second mooring rope, but he could not see the wizards. Then with a mad dash, three tall, robed shapes erupted from behind the building and ran like the wind towards him.

Almost immediately, a piercing whistle was blown, followed by shouts of “Over there,” “There they are!” and “Get ‘em lads!” At least twenty guards started to converge on the southern dock, all yelling threateningly, though it was clear from the sidelong glances that none of them actually relished the prospect of arriving first. Pounding down the jetty, a few yards ahead of their pursuers, Zavistic and his two cohorts leapt into their faithful boat just as Nildi cast away the second line and pushed off into the sea.

Once afloat, there was a mad scramble on board while Lavrus tried to unfurl the sail, and Devlin and Zavistic faced the guards lined up on the dock, gesticulating as if ready to hurl lethal incantations at them at a moment’s notice. Meanwhile, Nildi grabbed an oar and paddled furiously, trying to distance the boat from the pier.

“Confuse them!” muttered Devlin, “they’re preparing archers.”

Sure enough, a few of the guards had short bows on their backs, which they were rapidly loading. Devlin and Zavistic hurled curses of confusion at their aggressors as fast as they could, but neither sorcerer had the aptitude of Lavrus for the mind magics. A few guards had dropped their weapons and were staring blankly at the waves, or were running around in circles, pointing at random objects, but several bowmen still remained. A volley of six arrows flew towards them, two of which glanced off the hull of the boat.

~continued~

18-Nov-2006 11:11:34 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2009 06:00:15 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Duck!” yelled Zavistic. “How’s the sail?”

“Almost there,” Lavrus called back, feverishly lashing it tight as fast as his fingers could manage.

Several more arrows arched over to them, this time with improved accuracy. Two of them impaled themselves, quivering, inside the boat while another glanced off the mast and ricocheted alarmingly close to Nildi’s shoulder.

“Wind!” he shouted. Everyone braced themselves as Lavrus started to fill the sail, pushing them out to sea and safety.

Suddenly an almighty boom echoed out from the port, followed by another and another. The multi-cannon had been stoked and was spitting huge iron balls into the air. Nildi and the others quickly turned to look, but it was clear that something was wrong. Two of the balls shot out over the water, but they were not even close to the Bounteous Lady. A third sailed sideways towards another pier and crashed into the hull of a sailing boat, which promptly started to take on water. Another fired inland, making a serious dent in the main street. Khazard Guards were running all over the place in panic, unable to get close enough to turn the cannon off, while balls were flying in every direction.

Then a cannon ball just dribbled out of the barrel and dropped to the wooden dock with a crash, falling through the boards and into the sea. Thus weakened, other boards started to strain under the colossal weight of the weapon, until suddenly the whole section of pier gave way and the cannon fell through into the water below with an almighty splash.

Nildi was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. “Did you see that? They sunk their own cannon! Oh my! It is one thing to have the equipment but it is quite another to use it!”

“I believe,” Zavistic exclaimed with a twinkle in his eye, “that the guard who started it up was a bit confused!”

With that, Lavrus pointed the boat northwards and filled the sail. “It is time to pay the necromancer a visit!” he announced.

18-Nov-2006 11:12:00 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2009 06:01:35 by Dreamweaver

Roshinda

Roshinda

Posts: 6,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
True, I may not add a lot, but I do add often at least. I just can't help but compare myself to others at times. Which is wrong I know, as it only makes me feel bad that I am so slow. Everyone writes at their own pace.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

18-Nov-2006 11:26:48

[#85QZ2X6LC]

[#85QZ2X6LC]

Posts: 3,440 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hi Dreamweaver. It looks as though things have progressed well since I last visited.

Not to be too picky, but:

'Post 8:
"I could not pass out, I could not die."
- Here, you don't use a comma, since you're separating two independent clauses. You'd use a semi-colon here, or just use a period. Here, I'd use the period.' - Maia.

According the 'The Elements of Style,' a grammatical book that I am currently reading, this does not fall foul of any stylistic rules. Maia is pointing out the grammatical rule regarding the use of commas to indicate the change between dependent and independent clauses, but that does not mean to say that you cannot do this for effect, which I believe you do well. I'd say it's your choice on this once: while I prefer the stylistic guideline, Maia has a good point. After all, beginning sentences with 'and' doesn't function grammatically-speaking, but, as a stylistic device, works fine and is widely accepted through the prose industry.

Now, to the 'them' point.

'Them' used as an objective third person singular pronoun is gramatically incorrect, as is every inflection. 'Them' is an objective third person plural pronoun, so it cannot be used when referring to a singular subject. With the use of a colloquial lexis and newly-proposed semantics I would have no issues, but this is a novel and should follow formal writing guidlines.

The very best of luck with your future additions.

18-Nov-2006 11:30:46 - Last edited on 18-Nov-2006 11:31:40 by [#85QZ2X6LC]

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Good feedback, Torp - much appreciated. So using "he" for an as-yet gender-nonspecific individual (even one that turns out to be female) is correct? That's good, because I made that change following Maia Smith's original observation.

Also, I'm pleased that you cement the case that certain grammatical "impurities" may be valid stylistic devices. Of course, any accomplished writer would buy into that belief, and it adds some much-needed latitute when writing creatively. To that end, I've reinstated the comma that I had in that one line you highlighted. I prefer the timing of it that way.

I appreciate the input - it's helping both my story and I a great deal!

Dreamweaver

19-Nov-2006 01:10:09

Quick find code: 49-50-957-32282822 Back to Top