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Nildi of Keldagrim
Quick find code: 49-50-957-32282822
Yes indeed Rosh! You saw through that little device immediately, and you caught me in the middle of posting my work this evening.
Readers may or may not have noticed, but events and details from earlier posts are constantly being revised and tweaked as the story continues. This is necessary for consistency and so that the different elements at play come together in meaningful ways.
I just mention this in case any readers feel the urge to revisit earlier material, knowing that the entire thread is somewhat dynamic.
Hint: You can check out the last time a post was edited to see what has changed to some extent.
As always, thanks very much for reading!
Dreamweaver
Readers may or may not have noticed, but events and details from earlier posts are constantly being revised and tweaked as the story continues. This is necessary for consistency and so that the different elements at play come together in meaningful ways.
I just mention this in case any readers feel the urge to revisit earlier material, knowing that the entire thread is somewhat dynamic.
Hint: You can check out the last time a post was edited to see what has changed to some extent.
As always, thanks very much for reading!
Dreamweaver
16-Nov-2006 11:29:00 - Last edited on 17-Nov-2006 05:27:18 by Dreamweaver
As per your request, I looked through the first page for grammar mistakes. I only found two errors and one possible error. That's good for eight posts worth of narrative.
Post 7:
"He needed water and rest, and had..."
- You don't use commas before a conjunction (and, but, or...) unless both clauses can function as complete sentences. In this sentence, it's tough to do that because you have an "and" separating "water" and "rest." This is the possible error. I'd get a second opinion on this one.
Post 8:
"I could not pass out, I could not die."
- Here, you don't use a comma, since you're separating two independent clauses. You'd use a semi-colon here, or just use a period. Here, I'd use the period.
"We did not even know which mine network it was, and have heard nothing..."
- This is another "no comma before conjunction one." For the same reason as above, just this one is more clear cut.
Ok, bad stuff over.
I like the style of your introduction to this story. By using the second person, you pull the reader directly into the narrative and rouse our curiosity immediately. It's an effective hook.
I also like that your main character is an old dwarf, which is untraditional, especially on these forums.
Further, you do a good job of using active voice, rather than passive, and you keep a tight reign on your linking verbs (am, is, are, was, were). This helps to give your story the feel of "showing" over "telling." You don't just tell us what happened, you show us; this draws us in.
In, "Over Steaming Mead":
"...from where you hail..." Very good use of the prepositional phrase here. This is correctly written.
May I use this as an example of good preposition use?
I will be back.
- Maia
~>^< Novelist of The Amethyst Library >^<~
Post 7:
"He needed water and rest, and had..."
- You don't use commas before a conjunction (and, but, or...) unless both clauses can function as complete sentences. In this sentence, it's tough to do that because you have an "and" separating "water" and "rest." This is the possible error. I'd get a second opinion on this one.
Post 8:
"I could not pass out, I could not die."
- Here, you don't use a comma, since you're separating two independent clauses. You'd use a semi-colon here, or just use a period. Here, I'd use the period.
"We did not even know which mine network it was, and have heard nothing..."
- This is another "no comma before conjunction one." For the same reason as above, just this one is more clear cut.
Ok, bad stuff over.
I like the style of your introduction to this story. By using the second person, you pull the reader directly into the narrative and rouse our curiosity immediately. It's an effective hook.
I also like that your main character is an old dwarf, which is untraditional, especially on these forums.
Further, you do a good job of using active voice, rather than passive, and you keep a tight reign on your linking verbs (am, is, are, was, were). This helps to give your story the feel of "showing" over "telling." You don't just tell us what happened, you show us; this draws us in.
In, "Over Steaming Mead":
"...from where you hail..." Very good use of the prepositional phrase here. This is correctly written.
May I use this as an example of good preposition use?
I will be back.
- Maia
~>^< Novelist of The Amethyst Library >^<~
18-Nov-2006 05:41:12 - Last edited on 18-Nov-2006 05:42:05 by Maia Smith
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