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It won't
In the long run, I'll usually be the only one bumping, so it's nice to see a different name doing the same in the long run

16-Sep-2010 17:39:22

As promised, I'm posting the comment I owe you
First, about the execution; this is one of the better written stories I have seen on the Story forums, and I first set foot in here 6 years ago (granted the last few years I have not been reading stories here, instead focuses on writing my own.) In fact, this story surpasses quite a few published stories.
I honestly didn't catch any grammar mistakes in this one, which means that at the very least, any mistakes that exist are not disruptive to the story.
You also managed to display the personalities of the characters well, displaying them better in this story than I have seen in many of the much longer stories I used to read when I was a more active member of these forums.

As for content, the plot was emotionally engaging; I'm certain that all your readers, excluding those especially phobic of same-gender relationships (and a certain hyper happy-go-lucky amiable idiot) felt a mix of sympathy and pity for Alex; whose only fault was loving to a point where his reason was clouded. And in this act of loving without being able to look objectively at the world around him, it seems he was ultimately destroyed by his love.
Of course, the other characters fit perfectly into the story, each playing a specific role to bring forth the full extent of the tragedy; Danny, who could not see that a strong desire does not necessitate success, unwittingly raised Alex's hopes, setting the stage for him to be utterly emotionally destroyed when those hopes were smashed.
And David, although we might be drawn to despise him, and while he did play his part, did not actually do anything unreasonable... In fact the only thing he purposely did toward Alex was show him some of the kindness he deserved. Essentially, leaving us without a villain, and forcing the reader to think.

Finally, while I am definitely no fan of tragedies, this story is so beautifully written, that I would highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good read. "He appears in the Form of a Man with many Countenances; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one."

16-Sep-2010 20:08:25

Hey, thanks for the post
I do happen to know the happy-go-lucky amiable idiot likes to laugh at serious things...
And, isn't it David's fault to call him 'Noob'? And we are probably drawn to despise him because Danny is writing the story, and he despises David.
And yeah, I do find it interesting to have no real 'villain' in a story, just different people with different wants and desires, and how they conflict each other's expectations.
Thanks for the recommendation.
And God, I love David the character <3

16-Sep-2010 22:39:40 - Last edited on 16-Sep-2010 22:48:12 by Englishkid62

A magnificant storey I was gripped the whole way through. Just finished the Cherub and Eragon series so far but they look horrible compared to this. You are an amazing writer I loved this story thank you for sharing it.
Yeh it's ok probably worth a read.

17-Sep-2010 12:00:05 - Last edited on 17-Sep-2010 21:49:13 by Samzzey

Hey, thank you very, very much for your kind compliments. Not many people post to let me know they're read it and, I just wanted to thank you taking the time to do it.
Incidentally, I've never actually read Eragon. Is it worth checking out?

17-Sep-2010 17:48:05

Right, I'm going to bed

19-Sep-2010 03:10:48

22-Sep-2010 21:07:41

23-Sep-2010 00:23:21

Yep definitely. It's basically Star Wars + Lord of the Rings.
Anyway, I read this story, and I didn't quite like it as much as Brotherly Love. Maybe it lost a little of its impact since they have sort of similar themes. The beginning was a little hard to get through because of the wording and since the reader's not supposed to quite know what's going on. But I liked the rest.

23-Sep-2010 01:25:03

Wow, he must've done a lot of disguising to pull that one off!
Thanks for reading my story, Scoucher. I'm not surprised you didn't like this one as much as it was my first story here on this forum, written many years ago. I was rather new to the whole field of writing.
Similar sort of themes?
I agree with the beginning. I did the looping thing which seemed the only way to intrigue/confuse the reader and make them want to find out what's going on. But of course, I always reward the readers with something, or they'd never come back . But liking the rest is better than liking none of it

23-Sep-2010 13:36:42