A few things to add on. The Space between 'Whisper' and the comma should not be there. It should look like 'Pinchcappa said to Pinchentstein, in a whisper," Ok, I'll tell her."
I feel that saying 'She went to Annie and told her to access Pinchasuma's finances.' is not Descriptive enough for a reader. Remember that your reader wants to be able to imagine what you are describing. Perhaps something like:
Pinchcappa shuffled her feet nervously, her pinchers in the air as she made her way to Annie to tell her to access Pinchasuma's Finances.
Please do not steal what I put down and copy and paste it onto your post. That is a sign of laziness.
I.e:'Annie felt the pressure and the panic of being pursued. She had sweat was streaming down her face from her forehead."How did they know I am out of my cell and in here? I found it what I was looking for." She made it look like Pinchwald was still in the room and using the computer.'
First off, Pinchwald is passed out on the toilet, after eating a drugged Pop tart. I think I see where you were going with your post. You meant to say: "Annie disguised her online presence to appear as if Pinchwald was still online." Your lack of lack of describing what you write down, ultimately confuses everyone who reads your posts. It took me several moments to put the pieces of the puzzle together, so to speak. But besides the point, Pinchwald never logged off the computer, Disguising her online presence would do nothing.
Again, you don't describe what you write effectively. Instead of saying 'She caught the pistol that Pinchenstein thrown to her,' you could say " She cuffed her hands together and caught the pistol that Pinchenstein tossed at her. A wicked smile appeared on Annie's face. It was a smile of pure excitement."
Again you mixed Past and Present Tense. You also messed up the structure of your sentence. Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
I feel that saying 'She went to Annie and told her to access Pinchasuma's finances.' is not Descriptive enough for a reader. Remember that your reader wants to be able to imagine what you are describing. Perhaps something like:
Pinchcappa shuffled her feet nervously, her pinchers in the air as she made her way to Annie to tell her to access Pinchasuma's Finances.
Please do not steal what I put down and copy and paste it onto your post. That is a sign of laziness.
I.e:'Annie felt the pressure and the panic of being pursued. She had sweat was streaming down her face from her forehead."How did they know I am out of my cell and in here? I found it what I was looking for." She made it look like Pinchwald was still in the room and using the computer.'
First off, Pinchwald is passed out on the toilet, after eating a drugged Pop tart. I think I see where you were going with your post. You meant to say: "Annie disguised her online presence to appear as if Pinchwald was still online." Your lack of lack of describing what you write down, ultimately confuses everyone who reads your posts. It took me several moments to put the pieces of the puzzle together, so to speak. But besides the point, Pinchwald never logged off the computer, Disguising her online presence would do nothing.
Again, you don't describe what you write effectively. Instead of saying 'She caught the pistol that Pinchenstein thrown to her,' you could say " She cuffed her hands together and caught the pistol that Pinchenstein tossed at her. A wicked smile appeared on Annie's face. It was a smile of pure excitement."
Again you mixed Past and Present Tense. You also messed up the structure of your sentence. Just your friendly neighborhood gay boy!
04-Jun-2016 00:58:51
