RuneScape Forum Archive | † The Spite of the People †

Looksavebee

Posts: 334 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Heya Real RS. Just dropping in. Sorry for not replying as I had a chemistry laboratory to attend. But anyways, into the story I go!
First thing first. Chuk was right when saying that at first it was very much like Assassin’s Creed. Don’t worry, this is a compliment. Very well done first battle scene. The first assassination was perfectly planned and pulled off. A joy to read, really. What got me was the next little segment, when Zurik is strolling down the halls. “He’d planned this invasion for many hours beforehand”. Many hours? I know this can mean days, but it still comes off as a sort of fancy for him. Not really that important. Maybe a word change could help there?
Also, how you go into the characters’ thoughts comes off feeling very... awkward. The flow might be broken or just miss-worded, but it is not the nicest to read when you swap to their thoughts. I would personally choose to never directly go into two or more characters’ thoughts. My main character is the only one or none at all. Rewording it would solve this, and perhaps make it better.
“Oh my gosh”. I don’t think my mother would say that if I was coughing up blood. It sounds like she’s just added the wrong ingredient to garlic bread or something. Nothing too worrying. Word change, perhaps?
* *Shh* Let’s talk about it another time, alright? I have to work early tomorrow morning.” ~ I don’t like this sentence. Why, you might ask? Because to me it seems like the weak way out. Why can’t they have the chat then and there? This is the reader coming out in me, though. Not the writer. As a writer I could understand. As a reader, I just wanna know already!

15-Jul-2010 08:35:30

Looksavebee

Posts: 334 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Check your capitalisation after speech marks. Sometimes you get it right, others you get it wrong.
The meeting between Athos and his father seems a little bit quick to me. Shouldn’t you really be getting as much emotion out of that as possible? Seems to just happen so quickly, it’s almost like a shrug-worthy event.
Lastly, the final chapter seems to be a bit jumpy, progressing a little too quickly. Nice to see some humour, too.
Overall, your story is enjoyable. It’s still in its starting days, but I want to know more. I can haz serious update on problem with Athos?

15-Jul-2010 08:35:57

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thank you for your comments, Lament! That'll help me out a lot when I go through and adjust things again.
I agree about the last chapter being jumpy. I think it has a good idea to it and brings back some action into the story, but I just don't like it. For some reason, that chapter just doesn't feel like my best work, even though I've proofread it and changed things all over the place. The end of it comes way too fast, I felt like and the detailing is just plain awkward. I might rewrite it, but I won't make *too* big of changes as far as the plot.
And, yes, Athos has that problem that I haven't explained yet. Sabas has/had it too, and it requires medicine to be taken daily. Otherwise if you forget to take the medicine, as Athos had done, you go through a fit of seizures and eventually die. I'll give you that much about it, but it's purely my intention not to tell everything about it yet.

Along with that, I still have to explain the reason why the rebels are revolting against the King and his guards. Both explanations will be coming up soon, I promise.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read my story. I'll get to yours ASAP!

15-Jul-2010 16:56:26

[#SKZPQMZTB]

Posts: 2,029 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I agree with lamen, those hilight your main flaws -- not to say the story is that flawed. I still enjoy reading it, and when I'm checking on my stories I'm always glad to see that this one got another chapter, so I can stop and read it. =)

15-Jul-2010 22:05:44

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thanks, Wiz, that really helps me out. Most of my stories have never had fans that keep checking out the new chapters. It really makes me glad that you're doing that.

I would like to have another add posted today, but I don't know if that'll happen. I adjusted several of the flaws that Lament found, and I finished editing Chapter Three, but I have to leave for work again in an hour. I might get off soon enough to write up the next add, but we'll have to see if that happens. With this summer job, I have to work for a few hours early in the morning and then go back for a few hours in the evening. I don't think we have a whole lot to do tonight, though.

15-Jul-2010 22:32:34

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I edited the end of Chapter Two, about Sabas' death. It has some new information. Let me know what you think.

I also posted my edit of Chapter Three. It's not a whole lot different, but I think the pace is better.

15-Jul-2010 22:59:34 - Last edited on 15-Jul-2010 23:05:48 by [#L6BVCL43M]

[#SKZPQMZTB]

Posts: 2,029 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Oh, I like the new Sabas part. I actually felt sad for him, and let me tell you, that is the first time any Runescape story ever made me feel any kind of emotion. (Unless you include humor)
I hate to nitpick, but while I'm posting I spotted something:
When Sabas finally hit the age where he could become a Varrock guard, he said he would stop at nothing to become the captain of the Varrock guards, one of the highest honors a guard could achieve.
You used "guard" three times in a sentence. Not a big trouble, but it helps to make it flow better if it was more like:
When Sabas finally hit the age where he could become a Varrock guard, he said he would stop at nothing to become the captain: one of the highest honors a guard could achieve.
EDIT: But that really is minor. Unless you want me to be your personal grammar checker, I'll only point out major things from now on.

15-Jul-2010 23:13:43 - Last edited on 15-Jul-2010 23:16:06 by [#SKZPQMZTB]

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thanks for telling me. It'll actually help me if you find errors/typos and tell me. I had no idea that I did that, but I'll change it.
And I'm glad you liked the Sabas part.

Edit: I'll be on later, hopefully. Gotta head to work!

15-Jul-2010 23:17:52 - Last edited on 15-Jul-2010 23:19:00 by [#L6BVCL43M]

Looksavebee

Posts: 334 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The new details seems to add a lot more depth, making the read a little more enjoyable. You did the right thing.
And I'm going to disagree with Wizard here. While it is repeated a bit, the word guard doesn't have the repetition that is detrimental. It still flows a-okay.

16-Jul-2010 02:15:39

[#L6BVCL43M]

Posts: 4,026 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Athos and his father were very quiet at work the next day, but it wasn’t unusual. Most everyone was very solemn, as they’d lost friends and family in Zurik’s attack as well. When people did talk, it was very quiet and direct to others, and never about anything relating to those who’d lost loved ones.
The first half of the day passed very slowly for everyone. When lunch break came for Athos and his father, they decided to join each other for food somewhere around town. However, another guard met them in the changing room before they could leave the castle.
He had a message for them from King Roald. They’d been summoned to visit with him.
Up in his meeting chamber, the pair kneeled before him with their left arms across their chests and heads down. They’d put their armor back on while in his presence, but left their weapons behind.
“At ease, men,”
They stood back up and returned the solemn gaze of the king. His eyes reflected equal sadness, as if he’d been the one who’d lost his brother and son as well.
“Captain Biron, Athos… I’m very sorry about what happened to Sabas,” Roald told them, looking them straight in the eyes. “He was one of our best men, very respectful, hard-working… overall, just an excellent person.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty,” Biron murmured.
“You must also be aware of the other four brave men,” continued Roald, “who have lost their lives alongside Sabas.”
Athos and Biron nodded.
“I can’t help but blame myself for what happened yesterday.”
“What?” Athos asked suddenly, surprised by the king’s words. “How is it at all your fault, Your Majesty?”

16-Jul-2010 02:44:00

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