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In Bad Company

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Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
This is a review for "In Bad Company," written by Elitemage14.
I must say, this was a very enjoyable story, Elite. It kept me interested and had some good action, and you did well about not having too much action. I started reading it yesterday, and would have finished (for I couldn't stop reading), but it was about midnight, and I had to get off the computer. This is a great story that catches the reader's attention early on, and stays good throughout.
Now, of course your story wasn't perfect, and there were some errors. However, the errors were generally small and not widespread. I also noted that your writing improved toward the end of the story. I saw more mistakes in the beginning.
Grammar and Spelling…27/30
Your spelling was extremely good. I saw about ten typos, but that is to be expected with a story of this length. Mostly, I just saw you occasionally miss a letter, or not put opening quotation marks by accident. I did not count off much for these since you used correct spelling and punctuation the vast majority of the time. Typos are not too critical in my opinion. The only actual spelling error was during the huge fight, when you said, "Garth just stood their." I'm sure you know that "their" should be "there."
Characters…25/30
You did well with giving your characters' personalities. The characters' dialogue showed personality behind it, as well as their actions. There are a few things you could have done better, though. For one, I didn't see too much emotion. You don't always show how the characters are feeling. Secondly, some of the characters' dialogue didn't sound natural--this was largely due to the fact that you scarcely used any contractions. In real life, people will say, "I don't feel like doing that," rather than, "I do not feel like doing that." But I'm sure you know this.

30-Oct-2007 02:29:46 - Last edited on 30-Oct-2007 02:31:50 by Scoucher

Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Plot Development…27/30
The plot was quite intriguing. It is one of those kinds of plots that keeps the reader anxiously waiting for new adds. The plot hasn't had a chance to develop too much, but I can sense that it will be good. The only thing I didn't like was how the White Knights knew that the special dagger belonged to Garth. Another possibility would have been that he heard the dagger was an extraordinary weapon and had wanted it for himself. In my opinion, they didn't *quite* have enough reason to claim that it was Garth's.
Writing Style…24/30
Your writing style was fairly advanced, but I felt you worded some things awkwardly. At times, you did a great job of setting mood, and you had a few really good similes, but at other times it wasn't quite as good. I took a point or two off for lack of word variety here and there, but your vocabulary was good overall. There were a couple times where you used tense incorrectly, also. In the major fight scene, though, there were a few things I didn't like. You used similes like, "it was stronger than Kevlar," and, "sped like a bullet train." These do not fit in with the time era that this story is set in. Of course the reader knows what you're talking about, but it is not good to use similes involving modern things in a story of ancient times. Other than that, you communicated the story well!

30-Oct-2007 02:29:51 - Last edited on 30-Oct-2007 02:33:33 by Scoucher

Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Description…22/30
Your description itself was generally good, but some of the detail you gave didn't quite make sense. For instance, the dagger that is designed to pierce skin quickly that Garth uses to kill the shopkeeper is jagged on the edge--this would make it rip painfully through flesh, not stab in quickly. A dagger with smooth edges is much easier to stab in and pull back out quickly. Secondly, when the arrow fractures Garth's ribs, he keeps on going at top performance! Fractured ribs are *very* painful and would hinder his movement greatly. You should have the arrow merely bruise the rib. Also, in the large fight, his ribs get cracked farther apart, which would mean they are completely broken. With broken ribs, one will have an incredible amount of trouble even lying down or sitting up if he doesn't get help, let alone fight a battle like nothing has happened. Trust me, I know someone who has broken their ribs before, and one of my friends bruised his ribs recently. With even bruised ribs, you cannot do things to your best ability. Garth having bruised his ribs would make more sense, I think.
Also, you didn't always describe the characters' actions too well when they were talking. Often, it was a simple, "he replied." You got better with dialogue description toward the end of the story. Otherwise, your description and imagery was good and I could envision what was happening.
Tilt…+6
I thoroughly enjoyed your story, and will probably be checking back for more, so I gave your story high points for tilt. I would have finished the story in one read if I'd had time!
Overall Score…131/150 (about 87%)
Very good, Elite! You have constructed a well-written story that I will recommend to others!
~Best regards,
scouch

30-Oct-2007 02:29:56 - Last edited on 30-Oct-2007 02:36:28 by Scoucher

[#O4EM1GWQQ]

[#O4EM1GWQQ]

Posts: 11,172 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That was yesterday, silly head. :P
Scoucher, that was a great review. *Plots to recruit him for TYL.*
You will only have your sanity for a little longer, Scoucher. :P
*Gives a justified advertisement that would otherwise be spamming.*
Hey Elite, I love your add for this, with the quotes and stuff. So, could you please post it on 'The Penn and Stylus Submitting'? It's going to be a literary magazine, and it'll give you advertising. Submit it pl0x.
49-50-277-53216023.

01-Nov-2007 19:54:00 - Last edited on 01-Nov-2007 20:37:23 by [#O4EM1GWQQ]

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