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Quick find code: 49-50-812-63729756
Chapter 10 is now fully complete!
I should mention that I only have 3 pages of reserves left of this thread, or 30 posts. Each chapter has about 5-6 posts, so do the maths and there's room for 5-6 chapters left of this story. If I do that much (my minimum is 12), it'll be longer than any other story I've written. :o And if I do decide to write more, I'll have to open a new thread. Which is a shame. I'll also probably be writing an epilogue.
EDIT: The first 3000-or-so characters of chapter 11 are up.
I should mention that I only have 3 pages of reserves left of this thread, or 30 posts. Each chapter has about 5-6 posts, so do the maths and there's room for 5-6 chapters left of this story. If I do that much (my minimum is 12), it'll be longer than any other story I've written. :o And if I do decide to write more, I'll have to open a new thread. Which is a shame. I'll also probably be writing an epilogue.
EDIT: The first 3000-or-so characters of chapter 11 are up.
19-Aug-2013 11:46:03 - Last edited on 19-Aug-2013 22:24:24 by Lady Railly
Page 6, fourth clause,
“The sun was slightly less intense at this time in the afternoon, and Emma was now fully replenished of both hunger and thirst.”
Well, she became fully replenished rather quickly, especially considering her whole adventure.
At the end of the next clause,
“Her fingers made contact with an arrow head, embedded in her body just below her right shoulder.”
I noticed wounds to the shoulder area are very common in many works of fiction. I read all Serene End’s stories and mentioned the same. This is just a point-out
If the arrowhead is inside her body, she won’t be able to feel it. I think you meant she felt the shaft just below the arrowhead. As mentioned last time, depending upon the type of arrow, how you pull it out could kill you. Speaking of arrows, Henry the V had a nice time when an arrow lodged into his cheekbone, and he even finished the battle, but when the arrow was removed, the shaft disconnected from the arrowhead, so when pulled out, the arrowhead was still inside his face. It took a new tool made by a coin forger to remove the arrowhead.
Emma seems to conveniently be saved by various travelers who always happen to be nearby her when she is almost defeated.
When saved by Aaron, page 6, post 5, clause 7,
“Hey, do you have any food?”
I thought Emma’s thrust and hunger was fully replenished earlier? Later, after she realised she had been poisoned, it is mentioned she did not eat properly.
““Expect the worst,” she murmured, pulling the grid to one side as it groaned and creaked. “Ah, what’s the worst that could happen?””
Haha, this was a good one.
Emma is captured.
Well, the story continues its Kafkaesque situations, and forces who do not seem to have any purpose other than waiting in a desert to antagonising whoever happens to come by, even making camp for that purpose.
“The sun was slightly less intense at this time in the afternoon, and Emma was now fully replenished of both hunger and thirst.”
Well, she became fully replenished rather quickly, especially considering her whole adventure.
At the end of the next clause,
“Her fingers made contact with an arrow head, embedded in her body just below her right shoulder.”
I noticed wounds to the shoulder area are very common in many works of fiction. I read all Serene End’s stories and mentioned the same. This is just a point-out
If the arrowhead is inside her body, she won’t be able to feel it. I think you meant she felt the shaft just below the arrowhead. As mentioned last time, depending upon the type of arrow, how you pull it out could kill you. Speaking of arrows, Henry the V had a nice time when an arrow lodged into his cheekbone, and he even finished the battle, but when the arrow was removed, the shaft disconnected from the arrowhead, so when pulled out, the arrowhead was still inside his face. It took a new tool made by a coin forger to remove the arrowhead.
Emma seems to conveniently be saved by various travelers who always happen to be nearby her when she is almost defeated.
When saved by Aaron, page 6, post 5, clause 7,
“Hey, do you have any food?”
I thought Emma’s thrust and hunger was fully replenished earlier? Later, after she realised she had been poisoned, it is mentioned she did not eat properly.
““Expect the worst,” she murmured, pulling the grid to one side as it groaned and creaked. “Ah, what’s the worst that could happen?””
Haha, this was a good one.
Emma is captured.
Well, the story continues its Kafkaesque situations, and forces who do not seem to have any purpose other than waiting in a desert to antagonising whoever happens to come by, even making camp for that purpose.
19-Aug-2013 23:15:18
Thank you for the constructive criticism, Azi.
"I noticed wounds to the shoulder area are very common in many works of fiction. I read all Serene End’s stories and mentioned the same. This is just a point-out
If the arrowhead is inside her body, she won’t be able to feel it. I think you meant she felt the shaft just below the arrowhead. As mentioned last time, depending upon the type of arrow, how you pull it out could kill you."
Well, y'know, if the archer misses the back of the head or the back and it goes slightly off point it'll hit the shoulder.
And I'll correct that when I proofread it. Thank you.
"Emma seems to conveniently be saved by various travelers who always happen to be nearby her when she is almost defeated."
There are a lot of people in this desert (you'll see why at the end) and they're all looking for a way out, but most of them aren't as evil as you'd expect. At the start of the story everybody thought 'oh no, this is it, we're going to be stuck here forever' and they all began killing each other, like that guy in the cave killing the other guy. Nobody apart from Aaron knows about Emma's key, and because of that, the other people will spend time not necessarily killing people for it - they don't even know it exists. They'll not suspect that anyone has it because *SPOILER ALERT* an announcement hasn't been made yet.
I hope this makes sense.
"I thought Emma’s thrust and hunger was fully replenished earlier? Later, after she realised she had been poisoned, it is mentioned she did not eat properly."
Ah, you noticed that too. I noticed this inconsistency just after I wrote it but it's fairly minor so I'll fix it in the proofreading stage.
" ““Expect the worst,” she murmured, pulling the grid to one side as it groaned and creaked. “Ah, what’s the worst that could happen?””
Haha, this was a good one. "
Thank you. ^.^
(responses continued below)
"I noticed wounds to the shoulder area are very common in many works of fiction. I read all Serene End’s stories and mentioned the same. This is just a point-out
If the arrowhead is inside her body, she won’t be able to feel it. I think you meant she felt the shaft just below the arrowhead. As mentioned last time, depending upon the type of arrow, how you pull it out could kill you."
Well, y'know, if the archer misses the back of the head or the back and it goes slightly off point it'll hit the shoulder.
And I'll correct that when I proofread it. Thank you.
"Emma seems to conveniently be saved by various travelers who always happen to be nearby her when she is almost defeated."
There are a lot of people in this desert (you'll see why at the end) and they're all looking for a way out, but most of them aren't as evil as you'd expect. At the start of the story everybody thought 'oh no, this is it, we're going to be stuck here forever' and they all began killing each other, like that guy in the cave killing the other guy. Nobody apart from Aaron knows about Emma's key, and because of that, the other people will spend time not necessarily killing people for it - they don't even know it exists. They'll not suspect that anyone has it because *SPOILER ALERT* an announcement hasn't been made yet.
I hope this makes sense.
"I thought Emma’s thrust and hunger was fully replenished earlier? Later, after she realised she had been poisoned, it is mentioned she did not eat properly."
Ah, you noticed that too. I noticed this inconsistency just after I wrote it but it's fairly minor so I'll fix it in the proofreading stage.
" ““Expect the worst,” she murmured, pulling the grid to one side as it groaned and creaked. “Ah, what’s the worst that could happen?””
Haha, this was a good one. "
Thank you. ^.^
(responses continued below)
20-Aug-2013 10:39:40
"I also wonder how the inhabitants of the desert could construct camps and bows, seeing as the wasteland lacks any resource for that very purpose. Sinew, wood, cloth, leather and such cannot come from a wasteland of sand. Palm is too soft and weak to make an effective stave, at least that’s what I think."
The houses are made out of cement and dried brick. You'll probably find out about the rest when I write the next part.
"But, considering the story, I don’t think it is meant to be like that, it does seem to be some kind of dream world. Oh, and one last thing, sweet sap can be extracted from palm trees by sticking an object (probably tubular or with curved sides) into the bark so that the sap would gradually leak down the object and into a pot or something."
It is not, in fact, a dream world, I tie all the loose knots together at the end
And good information, thank you!
"I would also suggest to use the environment as a weapon. You know, like, Emma could play dead, grab a handful of sand and then throw it into a hunter’s eyes/face to save herself, or take the advantage to steal from the blinded villain."
That's an excellent idea, thanks! I might actually use that for the next part.
The houses are made out of cement and dried brick. You'll probably find out about the rest when I write the next part.
"But, considering the story, I don’t think it is meant to be like that, it does seem to be some kind of dream world. Oh, and one last thing, sweet sap can be extracted from palm trees by sticking an object (probably tubular or with curved sides) into the bark so that the sap would gradually leak down the object and into a pot or something."
It is not, in fact, a dream world, I tie all the loose knots together at the end
And good information, thank you!
"I would also suggest to use the environment as a weapon. You know, like, Emma could play dead, grab a handful of sand and then throw it into a hunter’s eyes/face to save herself, or take the advantage to steal from the blinded villain."
That's an excellent idea, thanks! I might actually use that for the next part.
20-Aug-2013 10:45:03
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