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Azigarath

Azigarath

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If a pair of girls destroyed my stuff, I wouldn't grind my teeth and growl, "You will pay." with pauses in-between each word. I'd probably use a few rude words, though. It's a very small thing, just one line of dialogue, but those three words I have read a good number of times, or heard in various places, so it "feels" like something that has just lost its effectiveness. I should have been more precise with that, I just didn't like the line rather than the scenario, so that's my fault.

But that doesn't matter even a bit, and then again I was reading some news and there was this male doctor who punched a female dentist several times in the head after some road rage, so perhaps, well, who knows?

However, my anxiety is about to burst through the roof. I simply feel that you'd make the story much more powerful if, well, you began to unfold about various opposing forces at once. I'd love to see the werewolves running through the desert also trying to survive, for example, but you know, with a bit more detail. Maybe even go as far as introducing cubs or something to show more than one side.

As always, that's just me, and you're always welcome to make yours tory however you want. I just don't want to feel useless, I was having a feeling that maybe people were getting tired of my compliments. D:

20-Aug-2012 04:49:46 - Last edited on 20-Aug-2012 04:50:36 by Azigarath

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
That's absolutely fine. You've given me some suggestions there, and I've taken them on board. The werewolf cubs idea is definitely very interesting.

"If a pair of girls destroyed my stuff, I wouldn't grind my teeth and growl, "You will pay." with pauses in-between each word."

Think about it. You're in a desert, your only hope of survival is literally on the things you come into the desert with, unless you're extremely lucky and brave enough to venture into a cave. These two girls come and blow up every last bit of your supplies. You look at them. They seem to have lots of supplies with them. You're not going to ask for them. You're going to have to kill them.

Basically, because he had nothing left he would have been fearing death at that point, and he would've done anything to get some more supplies.

20-Aug-2012 10:51:30 - Last edited on 20-Aug-2012 10:52:40 by Lady Railly

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Indeed, that's understandable. It's just that I read those three words "You will pay" elsewhere several times, so I figured I'd just mention it, but it's just me being unnecessarily picky. I don't wanna feel like a big smiley face that exchanges pleasantries all the time XD

Nonetheless, I am confident that your way of doing things will be even better, and I look forward to the rest of the developing story.

21-Aug-2012 04:42:52

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
It was the twelfth of August since I last updated this. >.< That's over five weeks! I certainly have been procrastinating.

So I decided to update, and now there are only one thousand characters left (at least, most likely I will write more than that) until I finish Chapter Eight.

I have set new specifications for how much I write when I write. Each 'update' has to consist of at least 2000 characters and 400 words. :P That should make it so that you have a lengthy update to enjoy reading, and it also means I don't have to update as regularly.

I hope you guys enjoy the new update. :)

EDIT: In case any of you guys were interested, the latest entry included 2,327 characters and 417 words. :D

21-Sep-2012 22:06:03 - Last edited on 21-Sep-2012 22:07:52 by Lady Railly

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, I just read page five, but also reread page four.

"The spear-making process was a short yet difficult task to complete. The girl had to continually scrape the wood off the thin stick, which would break if not treated correctly."
Hm, some spears had shafts three inches thick, but if the stick is already thin, why would she carve it further? And where did the dust come from (when she exhales after finishing)? You know, she did scrape the surface off of it. Minor issue, but I figured I'd mention it, just in case.

So some villains are revealed, young men seated at computers who neigh mischievously at screens that record teenage girls drying out in a desert. That's mean.

Anyways, I just stopped by to say I read the next chapter, as I seem to be the only one doing that for the moment.
Happy typing.

01-Oct-2012 00:27:49

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"Hm, some spears had shafts three inches thick, but if the stick is already thin, why would she carve it further? And where did the dust come from (when she exhales after finishing)? You know, she did scrape the surface off of it. Minor issue, but I figured I'd mention it, just in case."

The stick is thin, but not pointy, so she is creating a tip by scraping the excess wood off.

(Poor ASCII alert)

Instead of:

|-|
| |
| |
| |
|_|

She would make it so that it looked like:

/ \
| |
| |
| |
|_|

The dust probably came from the wood, as when you're cutting wood some sawdust may appear, but of course she's using a penknife so there would be less. Don't forget that there is quite a bit of dust already in the desert.

Nevertheless, thank you a lot for reading. :)

01-Oct-2012 17:06:56

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