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Yam42

Yam42

Posts: 1,134 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Excellent! I do have one question: You said in chapter five that Emma took the meat off of the scorpion that was going around the gathering, yet later you say she hadn't eaten since the incident in the cave. Perhaps I'm just reading it incorrectly, but I am a bit confused.

Aside from that, I'm really loving how you're revealing things while keeping an air of mystery in the plot!

24-Jun-2012 01:49:27 - Last edited on 24-Jun-2012 01:50:06 by Yam42

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Just read the new additions that were up to page 3. So the story introduced a few new things, which is good, as I was getting tired of Emma. Strange that, when the werewolves attacked, the first attacker seems to have simply turned around and let himself get stabbed in the back. The confrontation here was rather limited, I was kinda expecting a little more so that the monsters could be monsters.

But that's just me. I just felt that the story was lacking in monsters being monsters in the long-term, or maybe I'm just being picky about how I make my own stories. I just prefer action to be sometimes up to several pages in length so that when reading the conflict feels like it lasts more than just a few seconds. In my own stories, when my lycanthropes fought, they grabbed, tripped, wrestled, and went into balls and rolled around while grappled upon their targets, biting and clawing and such, so perhaps I'm just inflexible because of my own style of description.

I always liked surreal stories, and it looks like that Emma is in hospital in real-life while dreaming about her adventure, but I am expecting a little twist when she regains consciousness. I also like the relations amongst the characters, like when Scarlet mentions she ate the last bit of food sarcastically.

As Yam pointed out, Emma does devour a piece of scorpion earlier, though I don't remember about it myself.

24-Jun-2012 04:41:44

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
@Yam: I KNEW there was something about that. I'll have to edit that bit soon. >: (

@Azig: That bit was a little unclear about the hospital bit. It's the other way round - she was dreaming that she was in the hospital. XD

The nourishment continuity error is now fixed. :)

Oh, and I added the first 4.5k characters to chapter six. :P

24-Jun-2012 21:32:43 - Last edited on 24-Jun-2012 21:41:33 by Lady Railly

Q Kue Q

Q Kue Q

Posts: 488 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
All these years and you still have not lost that writing talent, Railly.
Or should I say, Lucy Grendale? Queen of Sakkara?
It is nice to see you again.
EDIT: Add me ingame, I would very much like to speak with you.

27-Jun-2012 21:41:28 - Last edited on 27-Jun-2012 21:57:01 by Q Kue Q

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks, Kue! It is a pleasure seeing you again. :D I will as soon as possible (probably after school) and I would very much like to speak with you too. :)

EDIT for the above post: I didn't put much because I had little time. Why did you call me Queen of Sakkara? Is that a reference to some film/roleplay I can't remember? :P

EDIT: I forgot to upload the end of Chapter Six! :O I have now uploaded it, as well as the first 3.2k characters of Chapter Seven. :)

29-Jun-2012 07:37:24 - Last edited on 29-Jun-2012 21:35:44 by Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I have just written a solid 1.7k characters - I did not plan because I did not have time, so I was rather uninspired but I hope you people like it anyway. :)

EDIT: I'll do some planning tonight.

30-Jun-2012 22:06:24 - Last edited on 30-Jun-2012 22:06:49 by Lady Railly

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"It's the other way round - she was dreaming that she was in the hospital. XD"
Lol, why didn't I think of that?

Well, I read your new additions, but why do villains make menacing grins before they charge? It's those two words, "menacing grin" that I have seen many times elsewhere in the forums and in films and stuff. I just wonder why it is used by different people. A broad smile doesn't look menacing to me!

Anyways, I'm still more interested in the monsters (if any are planned) rather than the usual human badguys, but that's just me being picky.

Take your time on things. Type-grinding does not always produce quality.

08-Jul-2012 05:54:05

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I imagined the 'menacing grin' to look like one where your lips thin out and turn upwards at the end in a sort of smirk, but then you're showing your teeth. Your eyes narrow towards your victim, and your brow furrows slightly. If you can do that in real-life, you're doing my version of a menacing grin. :P

"Take your time on things. Type-grinding does not always produce quality."

I'm taking a small break from writing at the moment and will most likely continue when the summer holidays start in eight days.

I might add some monsters later - I just have a single idea that might use up the rest of the space in chapter 7.

10-Jul-2012 07:35:19 - Last edited on 10-Jul-2012 07:36:16 by Lady Railly

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