I'm confused.
I'm also going to bed a sad camper since that onyx update is so garbage
I'm also going to bed a sad camper since that onyx update is so garbage
30-Apr-2007 14:01:41
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I rely on comments to have a good day, and yesterday wasn't very good even with lovely comments
Lol.
I rely on comments to have a good day, and yesterday wasn't very good even with lovely comments
Lol.
30-Apr-2007 23:00:16
2/4: “Late into the evening, with courage borrowed from a couple of flagons of ale, I kissed Bec,”
Should this paragraph (or something just before it) indicate circumstances of secrecy a little more? This kiss cannot have occurred within view of any other villagers, but it doesn't sound discrete here.
2/8: “I didn't have time to think about that either.”
It's not exactly a redundant sentence in meaning, and I do know what you mean, but it's confusing and took me a couple of reads to understand it. It may not hurt to just remove it.
45/3: “I watched my sisters sleeping peacefully, and I thought about how much I would miss my family when I left with Rebecca.”
This is the first time it is mentioned that Arik has sisters. Maybe set it up with an introductory mention of them during your early descriptions of Arik's family or the village women?
45/5: “I ran through the drifts with a speed I had not known I was capable of.” This almost exactly mirrors a previous thought. Can you find another way of describing his frenzied actions, rather than suggesting that his own speed surprises him again?
45/6: “I didn't know if Kyatts could climb trees, but it was my only chance.”
I think it's unlikely that a young man from his village would not know whether Kyatts climb trees, though I see the suspense you're trying to maintain. An alternative could be along the lines of “I didn’t know how inclined this Kyatt was to climb trees, but it was my only chance.” (though you can probably improve on that lumpy suggestion!)
45/7: “Carefully I inched my way along the overhanging limb,”
This comes right after a statement about climbing faster. Maybe Arik should maintain his reckless abandon more (especially as he ends up falling anyway).
Alrighty, that's it - and most of that was just personal take-it-or-leave-it stuff.
This should be re-titled to "Outstanding!"
Dreamweaver
P.S. It's totally Yanillian Library-worthy, by the way!
Should this paragraph (or something just before it) indicate circumstances of secrecy a little more? This kiss cannot have occurred within view of any other villagers, but it doesn't sound discrete here.
2/8: “I didn't have time to think about that either.”
It's not exactly a redundant sentence in meaning, and I do know what you mean, but it's confusing and took me a couple of reads to understand it. It may not hurt to just remove it.
45/3: “I watched my sisters sleeping peacefully, and I thought about how much I would miss my family when I left with Rebecca.”
This is the first time it is mentioned that Arik has sisters. Maybe set it up with an introductory mention of them during your early descriptions of Arik's family or the village women?
45/5: “I ran through the drifts with a speed I had not known I was capable of.” This almost exactly mirrors a previous thought. Can you find another way of describing his frenzied actions, rather than suggesting that his own speed surprises him again?
45/6: “I didn't know if Kyatts could climb trees, but it was my only chance.”
I think it's unlikely that a young man from his village would not know whether Kyatts climb trees, though I see the suspense you're trying to maintain. An alternative could be along the lines of “I didn’t know how inclined this Kyatt was to climb trees, but it was my only chance.” (though you can probably improve on that lumpy suggestion!)
45/7: “Carefully I inched my way along the overhanging limb,”
This comes right after a statement about climbing faster. Maybe Arik should maintain his reckless abandon more (especially as he ends up falling anyway).
Alrighty, that's it - and most of that was just personal take-it-or-leave-it stuff.
This should be re-titled to "Outstanding!"
Dreamweaver
P.S. It's totally Yanillian Library-worthy, by the way!
01-May-2007 10:00:34 - Last edited on 01-May-2007 10:02:43 by Dreamweaver
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