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The Courpted Schism

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Azros
Aug Member 2023

Azros

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“Look for clues to get in" Rhan ordered as the trio searched all the books and the small rooms off the to the side.

Maldor went into the southeastern room pulling away the cloth covering up a painting.
The room went dark as a thud hit the ground.
"Maldor!" Rahn whispers to no reply.
Rahn and Ronan quickly ran into the room to see Maldor gazing at the painting.
"What wrong?" Ronan asked shaking the boy.
"Ah....Sorry.....The man....next to Sardois......who is he.." Maldor blankly stared.
"You seem as if you've seen this before?" Rahn asked.
"Magister...Sardois had a painting of him..well the man next to him..He told me to forget about it.....who is he?" Maldor gulped as he finished his sentence.
"That's odd...Maldor...thats not Magister Saroids.." Rahn replied with a worried look on his face.
"I know my lord....he is younger here but it is him...." Maldor insisted.
Rahn laid down his sword and sat next to his friend.

"In the Star family each Magister takes on the name of his predecessor and so the Magister's name has always been Sardois..since Sardois the First." Rahn calmly explained.
"I know.....but I know my lord......but who is that next to him....." Maldor again insisted.
"This is Sardois the First....He had a son, this is the man in the picture. Rumors say that Sardois went mad in these years and began experimenting with the Mothers energy on humans. An unspeakable and illegal act. But Sardois the first did it in secret. The boy became so sick the medics thought he was going to die in a few days, But Sardois the first did not care he saw it as a failed experiment..well that's where the story differs. Some say he died and Sardois the first killed himself with grief after appointing a new Magister."
"And the others?" Maldor intrigued by the story.
"Well others say that his son awoken from his death sleep with power like that of the mothers gift's...they say he ran off into the wilds and located an old artifact from before civilisation...
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28-May-2015 20:52:21

Azros
Aug Member 2023

Azros

Posts: 1,356 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
They say he used the Artifact to grant him unspeakable power... Power that rivaled the mother. The story ended with him and his loyal followers disappearing from this world." Rahn shook his head before replying.
"But of course no man ever existed and Sardois the first's son died from his fathers mad ways.
"What was his name?" Maldor nervously asked.
"Saradomin" Rahn replied.
"I guess your right.... But I could Swear that is my Lord" Maldor moved his sight from the painting while getting back on his feet.
Maldor and Ronan left the chamber to search for the key to the door.
"For our sake.... I hope you're wrong Maldor" Rahn whispered to himself while covering the painting back up.

The Trio searched for hours to find the key to the door, from time to time they heard faint talking from behind it, to quiet to understand.
"Here.... This book.... It's old..some wording are in an ancient language.. I can make out some of it" Ronan held up the book before continuing to read.
"The Snakes body....it's different from the book.. Look!" Ronan handed the book to Rahn before studying the locked door.
Ronan grabbed the fragment of the snake's body and twisted it letting off a large chilling blast as metal slid against metal.
"What was that..." Rahn yelled.
Railings at the body of the wall's appeared unleashing a hissing sound deep within.
"We have to be careful.... It's trapped!" Rahn nervously said again.

Loud screams came from behind the door now heard fully by the opening of the vents.
"You'll pay for that!" The strange voice hissed.
The sound of rattling chains filled the chamber soon followed by the screams of a woman.
"Valaris!" Rahn yelled in return.


END OF CHAPTER 4.
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28-May-2015 20:53:22

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hello, I noticed your comment on the SD, so decided to drop by and see what I can do. This fan*ic begins with an introduction to the world and its magistrates. Note that *led* doesn’t have to be capitalised. After mentioning several named planets, the story begins with a blast. Also, turquoise doesn’t have to be capitalised either; speaking of which, you tend to capitalise various words though that’s not necessary; you only capitalise the first word after a period, as well as names of people and things.

A lad runs around, and despite clinging onto books and papers in his hands, he can open a door, bow down, and kiss the floor. Did he put the objects down, or does he carry them in one hand? Well, he disturbs Sardois, who isn’t doing anything, and still gets mad at the lad and talks about various topics that have nothing to do with what just happened for some reason, and decides to go see another magistrate.
What’s an energy torch?

“He dressed in a mixture of leather fabrics”
Note that leather isn’t fabric, it’s rawhide; fabrics usually refer to cloth or some other textile. Did you mean to describe something as leathery?

Ronan says that he fears “they will come for me” and Rahn is sorry for his loss, but there isn’t a loss. Ronan takes off his helmet and drops it for some reason.

Next scene depicts citizens singing a song together; this scene does not really connect to the previous, so you may consider connecting scenes so that the reader doesn’t get confused. Note that the story is perfectly in your head, but as a reader, the reader needs a little extra help, so it’s a good idea to include descriptions of interaction and connection between scenes to create a correlation. Chapter 1 ends after a little conversation.

Chapter 2 begins with the men travelling.

30-May-2015 03:32:56

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“A thundering noise rolled down from the hilltops with roars soon following, The sound of arrows flying through the wind.”
. . .
“Arrows rained down on the unsuspecting party a few dropped dead on the spot.*
The arrows whistled, roaring sounded, yet the party was unsuspecting? There is no mention of the men’s equipment, but if a few died on the spot, they probably weren’t wearing any armour. The archers release one volley and stop at that.

Anyways, Rahn yells out orders, though as soldiers, the soldiers should already know what to do. They form a “guard wall”, whatever that means; did you mean shield wall? Barbarians appear with pikes and shields, and charge downhill.

“The clash of steel on steel and the sound of bodies and blood falling to the floor was everlasting.”
That’s a lot of noise considering that only thirty barbarians go into the fight. I’m not sure why the barbarians and soldiers are attacking each other’s swords, though; far better to attack the person rather than the weapon he carries.

“. . .swingings (swinging) and slashing their swords and pikes into the open holes in the defenses.”
Uh, why?

Fortunately, the guardians break free, causing the barbarians to fall over, and they are finished-off by thrusts into the heart which makes perfect sense. I guess the barbarians did*’t bother covering themselves with their shields? The war chief doesn’t seem to do much.

“. . .Rahn Slid his sword through his skull. . .”
Sliding a blade along a skull wouldn’t cut through, but the barbarian, laughing insanely, dies laughing.

I like how you depict the battle with tactics, which is quite rare in fantasy nowadays. However, Rahn is a poor tactician; if you are charged by wild barbarians, it is best to make a solid pack of men to meet them, using mass to trample the tactic-less foes. The fight doesn’t last very long, yet Ronan sounds like he’s dying of thirst, and even requires a few hours before he can talk.

30-May-2015 03:33:15

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Next scene, Rahn talks about his childhood, and a wolf is killed. After, one of Sardois’ attendants is discovered, and the barbarians are ambushed. The ambush starts by shooting flaming arrows into boars for whatever reason; I think it’d be better to shoot the warriors instead.

“grabbing a nearby guard and breaking his neck before stealing his sword.*
What was the guard doing? Well, the barbarians are defeated in a single sentence; that was easy! Chapter 2 ends at that, and I also have to end my feedback at this point, before I type too much.

The story exhibits a few different casts of characters, which broadens the plotline. Syntax needs a little attention, and you may consider easy proofreading sometime in the future if you are interested. You describe characters fairly often, which definitely helps create their appearance, but you may also think about describing the scenery as well, such as when you described the tower when the story first started.

It would also be a good idea to connect scenes fully; try to limit jumping around with scenes so that the storytelling flows smoothly for the reader. You can do this by describing what characters are doing prior to the next scene, so that the reader has an idea of what’s going on. Think of it like a scout’s report, who is trying to detail the movement of people from one place to another.

Alright, that is all for now, feel welcome to ask or request help in anything.

30-May-2015 03:33:50

Azros
Aug Member 2023

Azros

Posts: 1,356 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thankyou Az***rath for the feedback, Helping me fix some stuff you've pointed out to better improve my story writing skills.

You've asked a few questions and pointed some stuff i'll try to answer them before i imrpove on them.


Energy Torch: It's just a torch infused with the Schism's energy brighter and warmer than a simple fire.

Scene jump: For chapter 1- chapter 2 begins where chapter 1's rahn's story left of. and i had to write in the night's fall in chapter 1 this is why the scene jumps from Rahn to Nar. I need to work on this however as re-reading with this in mind i can see your point.
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30-May-2015 11:26:33

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for getting back to me. Be sure to take your time, there's no rush. A simple proofread will show you where you may add extra things here and there. Although it may seem difficult to add extra bits of description, it's actually quite simple, and rereading your own work ties you closer to your story. One easy way to connect scenes is the briefly mention what the previous character(s) are doing, such as, "While Character A went along, here Scene B occurred" or something basic like that. It really helps with the flow.

If you run out of space in the posts, then don't worry about changing anything. I'm not expecting you to change anything if you don't want to, it's all optional. In case you are interested, I can also be found in Wattpad, a site dedicated to stories. My username their is JonathanKonopka if you are interested.

31-May-2015 02:13:57

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