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~A Dance With Death~
Quick find code: 49-50-791-61931046
I like the way you describe characters' emotions and generally your description. The tension builds up well and so far, the story has not been too one-sided. I liked your choices of names for all your characters.
Just a few points I think you should watch out for:
-Proofread it yourself, or get someone to proofread it for you. There were a few spelling mistakes/typos I noticed and they could easily be gotten rid of by proofreading
Also, at one point Nastasha's name changed, and then changed back (provided it wasn't just another character >.>
).
-There were a couple of sentence and phrase constructions that seemed odd to me, one in particular that stuck in my mind was something along the lines of 'unleash all havoc'. I have always known it as 'all hell' (as another example: all hell broke loose). Other than that, it was just slight grammatical oddities that I'm sure could be solved by a read-through when you're done
-A specific thing; when you're speaking of Runescape, I think it would be a better idea to say Gielinor, as in actual fact, Runescape is the name of the game, not of the world [on Runescape].
However, all in all, a very well written story that I hope to see more of!
09-Mar-2011 17:29:48 - Last edited on 09-Mar-2011 17:30:33 by Nytez
09-Mar-2011 17:29:49 - Last edited on 09-Mar-2011 17:30:10 by Nytez
17-Jun-2011 21:58:34
I am not a super reviewer, but from my standpoint this was a well written story. Stories like these are always welcome, especially when they are written well. As a matter of fact, I'm sure any guild on these forums would accept you, if you wrote an application with talent like this
.
Don't worry about the length, this is longer than others I've seen here. Is this all of it? I thought you mentioned something about this being a sample. If so, I urge that you make another thread with the full story. It would be a very good addition
.
~-**Admiral**-~
_-~Firebreather~-_
18-Jul-2011 21:20:42 - Last edited on 18-Jul-2011 21:31:02 by MrDuelist
And thanks for taking the time to read my writing. I must say your comment is my favorite so far! You’re too kind.
Marc Is Win; I’m so glad you caught that! Microsoft Word doesn’t catch all my grammatical errors. So many mistakes can only be ironed out by the proof reading from observant people such as yourself!
You really contributed to help make my writing better! Thanks!
Admirable Jo; I’m really grateful for your thoughts! I have considered joining a writing guild here on the forms… But at the moment I’m unable to dedicate the time needed to continue this story… However, I'm constantly improving and reviewing it, to make sure this writing is at its finest! That's why the feedback from this audience has been really encouraging and has improved my attitude toward writing!
Does anyone have any advice? Nytestryke gave me some awesome advice and pointed out some things for me to improve.
And also, I really tired to touch the audience’s emotions during the part in the story when Nastasha reacts to Gable’s death... Did it bring a tear to anyone’s eye? I really am curious…
01-Aug-2011 19:52:11 - Last edited on 01-Aug-2011 19:54:34 by Mttimeo
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