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[#MHTBZM7MZ]

[#MHTBZM7MZ]

Posts: 518 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Chuk, we need to talk more :)
Another great thread, I see here. I wrote a story for the new Story Forum Newsletter, I posted and submitted it. Can you review it for me ("A Soldiers End&quot ;) . But, I actually rewrote it yesterday and posted it on the Novilists Guild (Page 72). Can you please do me a personal favour and review both, and post what you thought about them on the "A Soldiers End" thread.
Original: A Soldiers End
Rewritten: Page 72 of the Novilists Guild
So, can you review them both and tell me what you think on the "A Soldiers End" thread.
Thanks alot in advance! :)

12-Sep-2010 10:40:50

Dreamweaver
Aug
fmod Member
2003

Dreamweaver

Forum Moderator Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'm just trying to work out how I've missed this thread for so long, yet here it is in plain sight. How fortunate that I've finally arrived though, akin to a scurvy sailor finding an island full of citrus!
But enough of the nautical tangents. Your last piece was very good, Chuk -- typical of your style certainly, which is always an effective one.
As far as picking out details, I do not believe that the child would have been a serf (literal property of the landowner) on his parents' farm, unless you make it clear that his parents were also indentured servants. But it's a technicality.
My own taste would suggest removing "yet that was not my only task." from the second paragraph. It's clear by this point that the narrator is by his king's side in everything that he does (not just the act of ruling) so this line seems to detract (in my opinion) from the much more powerful fact that he was the king's sole advisor.
"Now, he's dead." I love that comma! It's a somewhat unorthodox approach in that position, but it transforms this most simple three-word sentence into a highly effective emotional line. I had to read it two or three times before I caught the rhythm of the narrator at this point, but once I did so I found the effect perfect!
For me, his being wounded in the next paragraph again seems to detract from the emotional pain. I wonder if it might be more effective if he was physically entirely unscathed, yet wounded to the core by the tragedy that just befell him. Again, just my take.
"into I life I" -> "into a life I" (small typo). I'm not sure I like the dash where it is in that paragraph. Perhaps at "...cannot know -- a life..." instead, with commas thereafter? I'd have to play with that myself to get comfortable.

14-Sep-2010 01:45:09 - Last edited on 14-Sep-2010 02:09:14 by Dreamweaver

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