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Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

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“He turned to run, took two steps and again sprawled on the ground, with a sticky tendril wrapped around his ankle.”
Spiders don’t shoot their web like lassos…it’s used to catch a victim who wander into it, and immobilize said victim once the spider has him in its grasp. I suppose Deadly Red Spiders can use their thread however you like, but this really bothered me.
“Erun had grown weaker, ever weaker, until now, on Christmas Eve he was bed-ridden.”
The phrasing of this bothers me. It’s mostly the way the commas break up the sentence. Consider rephrasing?
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

06-Aug-2009 22:27:37

Chuk

Chuk

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My spiders! Don't comment on my spiders. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I pretty much figured, 'it's RS and it's fantasy; I'll do whatever the hell I want.'
As for the wording and such...I wrote it two years ago. It's bound to have shortcomings. I might have edited it once since then. Can't remember.
But that's why I wanted it reviewed. No one's told me anything about it since I put it up for MMH's story contest in Christmas '07, and back then everyone was too excited to see a new writer with some level of talent to really criticize the writing enough. So I'm glad to hear your thoughts. :)

06-Aug-2009 23:12:21 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2009 06:37:53 by Chuk

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

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I figured as much - it certainly wasn't up to the standard of Starlit...Demi...Divine... Echoes of a God now, I think? Whatever it's called. The big one ;)
Okay, moving right along... *scribbles analysis madly*
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

07-Aug-2009 06:32:13 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2009 06:33:03 by Orbestro

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Aw, don't be a square, Capt. Spheres have more fun, 'tis true!
> Waters of Time:
This kind of story is - and I apologize for the slightly awkward metaphor - absolutely delicious. My traditional scoring format just doesn't apply here, but I can safely give you an A+, or a 96%, or whatever you like.
It reminded me very much a novel pretending to be a short story collection by Argentine author Angelica Gorodischer called "Kalpa Imperial". It reminded me not in the metaphor, but in your sweeping, generalized tale of the rise and fall of an civilization - any civilization. It is, however, at times a rather racy book, so read at your own discretion. Nothing graphic, but she's not shy.
Anyway, I went off on that because I really don't have anything else to say. Simply beautiful.

Notes:
“Throughout the accompanying world, love and happiness fill hearts.*
I think we could find a better word than ‘accompanying’. You later describe the world’s relation to the river like so: “And in the world that is carried in the river, violence reigns.” ‘Carried’ works quite well, and I think it and its related words should define this dimensional relationship.
*The riverbed widens and mellowness begins to invade.”
Invading mellowness is almost an oxymoron – perhaps intentional, but if so, I cannot see what purpose it serves.
“Its pace quickens, and though it remains smooth, there is a feeling of impending doom that fills the world.”
‘Impending doom’ is a phrase so laced with melodrama as to be slightly absurd. Consider avoiding it.
“They quickly conquered the world, killing and destroying all that they could find.”
Tense break, using past instead of present.
Lorehound
through and through.

07-Aug-2009 06:52:33 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2009 06:53:02 by Orbestro

Chuk

Chuk

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The invading mellowness was intentional at the time; I remember that much. Why, I'm not entirely sure. I could go back and look tomorrow maybe. I don't have the motivation to actually analyze my own writing right now.

07-Aug-2009 06:57:21

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

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Mmk, although I am curious to find out what you were trying to do.
> Valor
Stories of this length simply do not lend themselves to my reviewing format – I need to develop a short story one - but for these, it’s almost not necessary. This is another piece that shows you and the height of your powers, Chuk. A+ again.
Not much to say. It builds beautifully to a peak that is unexpected (although you do intentionally mislead the reader, which I usually find distasteful, but didn't mind at all here).
Notes:
“His head, shrouded by grimy brown hair hung between his drawn-up knees in hopeless defeat.”
We’re missing a comma, right after hair.
I also must say that a dagger is not classified in my book as a ‘small round object’.
> Next...
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

07-Aug-2009 07:03:01

Chuk

Chuk

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Point on the dagger. XD
After Waters of Time, these are all entries from past Jagex contests. Actually, everything but Waters of Time, I guess. These are just the shorter ones, more of excerpts than true stories.
And I can understand that your review doesn't fit. Thanks for giving me the comments, though.

07-Aug-2009 07:08:18

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

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> Betrayal of the Night
*giggles at deep south accents*
*ahem* This short is a very unique take on the theme of Betrayal, of course, and an enjoyable read. I give it an A, for having no bad qualities, but also for relying on the unique take of the theme to carry an otherwise slightly bland tale.

Notes:
“He trailed off, struggling to hold in his tears, and failing.”
Nitpicking – ‘trying’ works better than ‘struggling’ if it’s going to be coupled with failing.

> In Protection
Ehh. A-, for being the least impression of the collection. I’m left with a lot of unanswered questions – why was he expecting a triumphant return? Why was he in a spaceship? Why, why, why… it all detracts from what seems a very contrived take on a highly versatile prompt.
Notes:
“Again, Hakkyr smiled; his RWT units would destroy opponents.”
Consider inserting ‘any’ after destroy.
- - - - -
Yay, done. Hope I was helpful, Chuk. Overall this collection was a highly impressive bunch of stories - as always, keep writin' ^_^
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

07-Aug-2009 07:18:19 - Last edited on 07-Aug-2009 07:19:32 by Orbestro

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