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Leb's Ensemble of Short Shorts

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Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
My initial draft for the Halloween contest, "The Curse", is on Page Two, and I'd appreciate any advice I can get on it. I had to cut a little to fit under the limit, hence the split posts, but I think what I left in was sufficient.
Thank you in advance to anyone who helps critique it.

05-Oct-2011 16:12:32

Old Gnomish
Jul Member 2023

Old Gnomish

Posts: 2,569 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I hate having to critique your work, Lebbeh, because there is often nothing to improve!
I suppose my only criticism is that in your story, the paragraph that begins "It is said that we feel..." feels out of place. Having said that, if I were to put it somewhere, it would be at the start of the story; however, that does not follow the rules of the contest. :P
Other than that minor criticism, which I would like to add is me being picky just to give you some feedback, your story is very good. I may add some more feedback if I can somehow find something else to criticise. Good luck with the Halloween contest. :)
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06-Oct-2011 16:24:14

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, I see where that is coming from. I'll have a better look at it tomorrow. Is it at all adding to the story, or a total distraction? I may just delete it.
Thank you very much for reading it. :)

06-Oct-2011 16:26:38 - Last edited on 06-Oct-2011 16:26:55 by Borna Coric

Lady Railly

Lady Railly

Posts: 3,140 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Looking at these stories, I find new words I haven't heard of or used before...I see new phrases...My stories are nowhere near as good as yours, not even the one you wrote 5 years ago. These have inspired *me* to write more. Thank you. :)

06-Oct-2011 16:48:09

Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Great as always, Lebbeh. I do have some things to address, though.
Second paragraph on post three, you switch up verb tenses. Is should be was.
"It is said that we feel the most vulnerable in the dark; we are trained from birth to avoid it. We sleep at night to avoid the dark, to only see the day. Stars are beacons of light, sources of hope. Our most fearful moments occur when we see nothing."
Sounds like a preach. Be wary of that. This is a story, not an essay. I do it a lot in my work, too. Probably my most fatal flaw.
Definitely a great plot and a good way to make this story horrifying and interesting. The format really didn't force people to write comedy as you initially thought. I figured you may have wanted to know that. That's all I could get out of it that I deemed "fixable." Great job!
*Mitch

06-Oct-2011 21:48:13

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Okay, thank you. That's two people with issues regarding that paragraph so it shall be deleted. That error you pointed out (thank you!) shall also be fixed. :)
EDIT: I can't just delete that paragraph outright as it makes the one following nonsensical. Any suggestions?

07-Oct-2011 04:15:57 - Last edited on 07-Oct-2011 04:18:01 by Borna Coric

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