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Crocefisso

Crocefisso

Posts: 1,385 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Just read everything, including your wonderful endorsements idea. This month I finally tried my hand at posting stories on the forum, but it's been hard getting readers without disrespecting people by endorsing on more popular stories. I would appreciate it if you could endorse me.

~~~WRATH OF THE DARK EMPIRE~~~
QFC = 49-50-536-60692025

--It's quite hard to summarise but I'll try:

"A dark force is spreading throughout the world, engulfing it with ease and ruthless efficiency. But at the top of this Dark Empire, all is not as it seems - the Empress delves into madness, the Generals conflict over power, and opposing Empires fight back with all the strength and determination of the eternal sun. Chaos is looming..."

By the way, there is no central character, which is quite important to the story. Again, thanks for the help.

-Crocefisso,
A Struggling Writer.

07-Apr-2010 22:23:10

Dudeski

Dudeski

Posts: 4,891 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey, Sira. Interesting story so far, I'm quite enjoying it. I like the whole idea of taking a thief and putting him in the protagonist's spot instead of the antagonist, and how you're building him to earn sympathy from the reader.

I have some constructive criticism. I notice that you have some issues with punctuation and quotation marks, as I've seen a few sentences without punctuation in them at all. Also, I notice a few times that you change tenses within sentences, which interrupts the flow. You mainly do it at the start of chapters, if that's any help.

Anyway, that's the grammar stuff.

Your dialogue is pretty good, but there was one instance that I didn't really get. It's when Ryan tells Oliver that Jack thinks he's not a good thief anymore, and Jack overhears and says he was talking behind his back. I don't really think that's talking behind backs, it's just saying what Jack had said to him.

The geography of the continent is a little confusing. You describe each region well, but I'm having a bit of a hard time piecing it all together, and making a mental map. I know it's kind of hard, because we don't really have much in the way of cartography on here, but maybe you could just describe how the whole continent looks, and where the kingdoms are.

Anyway, this is quite good, and I am enjoying it. I'll be looking forward to more.

I hate the Reaper guy. Make him die. XD

12-Apr-2010 00:25:12

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