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Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I think that last sentence was a very smart thing to say. It's important to realize that everyone has different opinions, and so you should never blindly apply my suggestions. You should merely take them into consideration. :)

Thank you for being so amenable. :)

28-Feb-2010 20:38:27

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey, Sira, here are some thoughts from me on your story.

Prologue

"He had been stalking the city for weeks now; memorizing the routine of the banks security guard, and the times of highest activity."

~I don't think the semicolon is used correctly here. A comma would suit your purpose just fine, I think.

"Now it's my turn" He smiled with anticipation,

~Maybe some proofreading to ensure no punctuation is left out?

~Also, sometimes you have only two dots, not three. May I ask why?

I think it is quite an interesting start. This certainly promised potential. However, the beginning may not be as gripping as you'd like. Maybe it is to do with late at night, but I felt the first paragraph is a little bit of information overload, where you try to convey 3 pieces of information per sentence. Maybe not entirely a good idea if the names are unfamiliar to readers.

P.S. You did explain it in the following posts, however, which is good. But it would help if we don't need to rely on that information too much and just read the story :)

Chapter 1

I think you did quite well here. The characters up until the dialogue seemed a little dry, but the dialogue really suited your purpose and it really helped us to build in images and establishing relationships, so I think that was quite good. So far, you dialogues really shined :)

If I had one criticism of this chapter, is description. While there is plenty, are you sure this is the *best* way of describing them? It isn't enough to describe things the most ordinary way, such as 'A large, grey elephant' - doesn't convey much, and is boring. However, 'an angry, aroused elephant' conveyed more information, and is more interesting to read.

Chapter 2

"Ryan knew the path all to well."

~Typo :p

Nothing much new I wanted to comment upon. Now it started to grip me towards the end :p

27-Mar-2010 03:31:40

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 3

It's okay. However, I believe you can write the story in a way that is much more interesting. That is not to say this is not interesting, it is quite good, but that's just one improvement I can think of in this chapter ^^

Chapter 4

"Neither of the two stopped to reconsider entering the forest; meaning they knew where they were going."

Another semicolon errors here, I think. The second clause is not a sentence, and cannot stand alone on its own, therefore a semicolon is inappropriate. And how necessary is this second clause? It doesn't seem to serve any great purpose there...Anyway, that's just my opinion.

"The two men lowered there bows, and cracked a smile."

~Proofreading would really help! It's such a shame to see these, which really sticks out when all I want is to enjoy the story. Fixing them would certainly make my time here a little easier :p

"Oliver said in a calming voice; one that would get through the head of the most thick-headed person in the land, with no argument received."

~I'm not sure if this description is appropriate. Well, semicolon again, but aside from that, the most thick-headed person in the land would be pretty much inconsolable, so I would presume it would take more than a calming voice...?

Note: Out of interest, when you are writing this, are you, personally, enjoying the process of its creation?

So far, one thing you are doing very well is creating an powerful ending for each chapter, this really pulls the reader through the page, and that is a good thing!

Chapter 5

The suspense of Terri's entrance was well captured here, well done.

Loved the appearance of mysterious characters at the end there, though I thought it could be a bit more dramatic?

Chapter 6

"He was murdered by a man in black robes... this man could use magic, sir."

*That reminds me a bit of myself :p

"by one of the other thieves, but his conscious told him otherwise"

~Are you sure conscious is the right word?

27-Mar-2010 03:32:02 - Last edited on 27-Mar-2010 15:18:36 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Chapter 7

A pretty impressive fight scene, I must say, well done for making this so exciting. The only shortcoming I see it perhaps the determination of the two soldiers to fight, had they decided to stay on because they have their reputation to upholde, it would've been much more convincing!

Over all, pretty good! I quite enjoyed reading it, your plot is quite interesting. The only thing I was perhaps disappointed with was the presentation of it. If you read through this, just once, you'll see things need changing that would ensure a much smoother reading, I think. But as I say, these are only opinions and you don't have to agree with me at all :p

Good luck with this story.

27-Mar-2010 03:35:45

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