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† Koshei the Deathless †

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Elitemage14

Elitemage14

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Brundt made sure he was long gone by the time Baba Yaga arrived. The Fremmeniks distrusted those of the Lunar Isle and hated magic users in general.
Koshei didn't hear her enter at first, and when he saw her he knew why. Her feet did not make contact with the ground as she moved. Rather, she floated through the air several inches off the ground.
"The chieftain told me to come see you, Koshei. Although I see he has already gone. I don't think he likes me very much," she said, taking a seat. She was an old woman with white hair, and Koshei found her name fitting. In the Fremmenik language, Baba Yaga literally translated to 'witch'.
"What do you know about the creature that attack here earlier," Koshei asked.
"What, no pleasantries? No asking me who I am or how I'm doing?"
"Brundt already told me who you are, witch, and I have no time to waste with such pleasantries," he growled.
Baba Yaga sat up straighter in her seat and backed her chair away from him slightly. "Right to the point I see. Brundt was right about you not being much of a conversationalist. Anyway, from Brundt's description and what I've seen in my crystals, that creature that attacked was a Dragonkin, and beyond that I do not know a whole lot about their race. They're an old race, possibly immortal to my understanding as I've never heard of one die outside of battle. They're not native to Runescape, that I do know, although what caused them to come to this plane I don't. They also created the wyrms in their image, and these wyrms are now known as dragons, but that's where my knowledge on the subject ends. You know, you were much more polite the last time I met you."
Koshei was puzzled by this. "Last time I met you?"
"Oh yes. When you were first rescued and brought to Rellekka, the people there didn't know what to do with you. They quickly learned of your immense power and were very afraid of you and what would happen if you were to turn on them."

17-Aug-2010 07:57:29 - Last edited on 17-Aug-2010 08:13:13 by Elitemage14

Elitemage14

Elitemage14

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"So Brundt asked me to come to Rellekka to see if you could be trusted. You know, I'm starting to notice a pattern here that he only seems to contact me as a last resort. Puzzling. Anyway, the people of Rellekka had no idea who you really were, and you yourself couldn't remember anything before being rescued, so he wanted me to enter your dreams to see if any of the answers remained hidden in your mind.
"Entering a person's dreams is a common ritual in the Lunar Isle, and we use it to craft a better understanding of ourselves. I had you put under a deep sleep, which wasn't easy as your body was incredibly resistant to my potions, and delved inside your mind."
"And what did you see?" Koshei asked, eagerness in his voice over finally being able to learn the truth. He rose to his feet. "Do you know who I am? Where I came from? How I ended up in the ocean?"
"I do. Well, sort of," the witch replied. "You lay frozen at the bottom of the ocean for a long time, Koshei. A long time. After such suffering, it was only natural for your body to protect itself by using the defense mechanism of repressing and locking away these darks truths and painful memories. I saw glimpses into your past. I don't know the complete picture, but I saw enough to create a rough understanding of what had happened."
"What do you know of me, then? Tell my everything."
"I can't," Baba Yaga said. "Well actually that's a lie. I could, but I won't." When Koshei rose to his feet and began moving towards her, she quickly added: "Don't hurt me! Not that I refuse to tell you, rather I don't think it would be best to hear it from me. No, I think it would be best to discover the truth on your own."

17-Aug-2010 07:57:35 - Last edited on 17-Aug-2010 08:13:23 by Elitemage14

Elitemage14

Elitemage14

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"And why is that?"
"Part of it is I think it would be more revealing to uncover it on your own. Instead of me trying to hammer the fragmented thoughts I gathered back into your mind, I think it would be more beneficial for your to finally lower the defenses of your mind and have the memories and truths naturally come back to yourself. I only know part of the truth. Uncover it on your own and you can get the complete picture and face these new found memories and feelings head on. That, and part of it is I want to be as far away as possible when you do," the witch admitted.
"Why is that?"
"You are not going to like your old self or what you learn of your past, that I can guarantee you. Brundt originally asked me to look into your memories to see what I found. Well, I lied to Brundt. I told him I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Those defenses in your mind were strong, and I didn't see any chance of you ever recovering your memories while in Rellekka. As long as both parties remained ignorant to the truth, I figured no harm would befall anyone and you could live in peace.
"Had you talked to me a few days ago I would have said it best for you to remain ignorant to your past, accept the fact that you don't know who you are or where you came from, and continue on with your life in Rellekka as normal as you can. But then that one called Skrae changed everything, didn't he? I can tell from the look on your face that you intend to kill him and the other Dragonkin, and I do not think you'll be able to do that without what you will gain from your past."
"And how do I do all of this? Where must I go?"
"To the north," she replied quickly. "Not to where the Dragonkin and the Faceless Ones are going, but farther north than even that. You must go to the frozen lands of Acheron. There you will find your answer."

End of Chapter 2

17-Aug-2010 07:57:41 - Last edited on 17-Aug-2010 08:18:28 by Elitemage14

Elitemage14

Elitemage14

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I would have liked some comments before finishing Chapter 2 (ahem) but what can you do?
Hopefully after 14 new adds someone will comments on them and this story, but if not, I guess I'll just have to move on to Chapter 3 and Skrae anyway.

17-Aug-2010 08:15:57

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

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Koshei is one of my favorite characters in the game - I love the mystery surrounding him, and the likelihood of his involvement in future events.
And, I realize you're writing for fun. But you haven't established who the protagonist is yet. I can't relate to any of the characters, and you haven't given me a reason to care about what happens. The destruction of Rellekka? Meh. Death, doom, destruction? Oh well. I've spent about five minutes in this world anyway, don't mind too much if it gets eaten by a dragon. Not like I knew anyone in Rellekka - oh wait, Chieftan Brudnt! But you never mentioned him after the prologue. Skrae noming on the girl was pretty sick. But it didn't have that big an impact. It's just a girl.
There is a lot that needs to happen in a story before you can get into long, extended, over-the-top, absurdly fun fight scenes. Unless there are emotions associated with the people doing the fighting - unless I'm rooting for one of them, and despise the other - it gets boring very quickly.
Obviously Koshei is the protagonist and main character. But honestly, from how this has progressed so far, I'm more rooting for Skrae. I certainly know more about him. At least he has a personality.
The fight scenes are grand, but for me, I need a lot more than that in a story.
I hope you get what I'm saying about getting the reader emotionally invested before getting to the fun stuff. Your characters need character before you can sick 'em on each other.
Note - I didn't finish chapter 1, because that's when I lost interest. As a rule, I don't force myself to finish something that has lost my interest. That way I can give the author a more accurate assessment.
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

18-Aug-2010 03:20:57 - Last edited on 18-Aug-2010 03:22:01 by Orbestro

Elitemage14

Elitemage14

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Thanks for taking the time to read and post all that, and I can definitely understand your gripes.
Being something I'm more just writing for fun and for myself, and the fact that I've been sort of rushed so far to finish this story before school starts, I probably did rush into the big battle scene without investing enough into the characters before hand.
I do have a part with Brundt at the beginning of chapter 2. I could possibly rearrange things to expand and rewrite that part with Koshei and Brundt and place that in chapter 1 before the big fight to create some more character development and emotional attachment before the epic fight scene. At this point it's a little too late to go back and start rewriting things, though. Once the story is finished I could probably go back and make it better, and hopefully from this point on in the story I can keep things moving forward with intrigue for Koshei's past and Skrae and make up for the fact that the main character is pretty bland.

18-Aug-2010 06:53:41

Elitemage14

Elitemage14

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Chapter 3

Skrae's kin had not been happy to see him. They mocked him for getting defeated by Koshei a second time and were outraged that he had risked his life for revenge, even though he knew what was happening to the north. They had seriously considered just letting him die, but eventually decided there were too few of them already, and begrudgingly patched him up. His injuries had been severe, though, and his upper body was still barely hanging together and his chest ached with every breath.
They had expected him to travel north with them, but as soon as he was well enough to move he left them, cursing his brothers and traveling on his own to Varrok.
He had come to Varrok out of anger for his loss to Koshei, and had wanted to destroy it like he had destroyed the city's predecessor thousands of years ago. But his injuries and sadness had slowly grown while he traveled, and by the time he reached the city he felt drained and too depressed for destruction.
"I'm all alone in this world," he whispered to the darkness.
Four. That's how many Dragonkin were left. Only four, and his brothers hated him. Even when their race had been in hiding, Skrae had been shunned by them. While in their castle he was forced to live alone in his own separate tower, and over the centuries the few times he did see his brothers they wouldn't even make eye contact with him.
"Why did it have to be you?" they told him. "Only four of us remain. Why did you have to be the one to survive?"

The origins of his brothers' hate for him went back thousands of years, back before their race was in hiding and while they still freely roamed the earth.

18-Aug-2010 22:33:31 - Last edited on 18-Aug-2010 22:35:04 by Elitemage14

Elitemage14

Elitemage14

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Skrae had always been one of the weakest of the Dragonkin. All the others ridiculed him, except for Strath. Strath had been the strongest of the kin and beloved by all. And when he befriended Skrae and told the others that he would not tolerate their treatment towards him, they had listened.
He didn't know why Strath went out of his way to be kind to him and make he feel like he belonged, but he appreciated all he had done and looked up to him. He hated to admit it, but he had been the only one in the world Skrae could truely call his friend. Until Koshei came and ruined everything.
Skrae had been traveling with Strath along the countryside when it happened. They had been enjoying the fresh air and taking in the sights when Koshei came forward to challenge them. They had never done anything to Koshei; he just loved battle and wanted to test his strength against theirs.
Koshei drew his sword, and they had engaged him. Skrae had quickly become overwhelmed by Koshei's power and lost his left arm in the fight. While he had been squirming on the ground in pain, Strath came forward to protect him. Strath had managed to run Koshei off, although in the process had become mortally wounded.
There had been much grieving over the death of Strath, their champion. But there had also been a lot of contempt towards Skrae.

"I should have been the one to die," Skrae whispered, and ever since that day he had become what their race called "dalit", the untouchable.

18-Aug-2010 22:33:32 - Last edited on 18-Aug-2010 22:35:31 by Elitemage14

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