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Sandstone
Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491
Hey Elly, I'm about to start your review. Will be starting with Chapter 18 - and I'm fairly certain I remember the plot well enough to pick it right back up. We'll see
I like your avatar, by the way.
~
rbie
I like your avatar, by the way.
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
08-Oct-2009 00:55:06 - Last edited on 08-Oct-2009 00:55:26 by Orbestro
Hey Elly! Here is your review from Full Circle Reviews
>Plot – 38/40
Pace: 20/20
- Very well paced and engaging. My attention only ever wavered due to my surprisingly short (ooh, shiny!) attention span.
Content: 18/20
- Soul Stone = Random Plot Device, in my thinking, but I’ve seen far worse. And very little of what happens fits in with traditional RuneScape lore, which I like to see in a story, but it’s still a good tale.
>Characters - 30/35
Interaction: 17/20
- As little as any of them speak in this second half of your story, it’s hard to determine much of a unique personality in your characters apart from what is already established. None of them display enough maturity (or display enough anything) to remind me of their age, thus turning the baby-making into something which was initially very awkward for me. I had them labeled as in their mid teens.
Development: 13/15
- Adam and Rachel get it on as suddenly as their best-friendship begins; that is to say, quite suddenly.
You may not realize it, but Adam, Rachel, and John are made of more than half cliché, and are only partially supplemented by the specifics of your story. While sadly this is an accepted method of character development, I don’t like it, and won’t give you a good score for it.
Adam could be any of a hundred internally conflicted heroes I’ve read about, Rachel any of a thousand magical-healer girlfriends, and John any of a million vampires. Try to step outside cliché and make characters who are real and original. The fantasy character molds are familiar, but deeply limit the depth of characters you can create, thus limiting the level of art you can achieve in a story.
>Description - 29/30
Character: 14/15
- Decent. I could’ve used more throughout this second half, especially of John, but it sufficed.
Setting: 15/15
- Gorgeous, gorgeous, essentially perfection, if it weren’t for your occasional wording troubles. But I won’t take off points for that here.
>Plot – 38/40
Pace: 20/20
- Very well paced and engaging. My attention only ever wavered due to my surprisingly short (ooh, shiny!) attention span.
Content: 18/20
- Soul Stone = Random Plot Device, in my thinking, but I’ve seen far worse. And very little of what happens fits in with traditional RuneScape lore, which I like to see in a story, but it’s still a good tale.
>Characters - 30/35
Interaction: 17/20
- As little as any of them speak in this second half of your story, it’s hard to determine much of a unique personality in your characters apart from what is already established. None of them display enough maturity (or display enough anything) to remind me of their age, thus turning the baby-making into something which was initially very awkward for me. I had them labeled as in their mid teens.
Development: 13/15
- Adam and Rachel get it on as suddenly as their best-friendship begins; that is to say, quite suddenly.
You may not realize it, but Adam, Rachel, and John are made of more than half cliché, and are only partially supplemented by the specifics of your story. While sadly this is an accepted method of character development, I don’t like it, and won’t give you a good score for it.
Adam could be any of a hundred internally conflicted heroes I’ve read about, Rachel any of a thousand magical-healer girlfriends, and John any of a million vampires. Try to step outside cliché and make characters who are real and original. The fantasy character molds are familiar, but deeply limit the depth of characters you can create, thus limiting the level of art you can achieve in a story.
>Description - 29/30
Character: 14/15
- Decent. I could’ve used more throughout this second half, especially of John, but it sufficed.
Setting: 15/15
- Gorgeous, gorgeous, essentially perfection, if it weren’t for your occasional wording troubles. But I won’t take off points for that here.
Lorehound
through and through.
08-Oct-2009 05:50:20
>Style - 21/25
Voice: 12/15
- This has to do with developing a unique and identifiable narration style. You’re still getting there.
Consistency: 9/10
- Very consistent, apart from the issues which I’ll be taking off points for below.
>Mechanics - 17/20
Syntax: 12/15
- Ehh. I find it helps to read my writing out loud or at least read it in my head like I would read it out loud. It helps in identifying sentences that are worded in really awkward ways, like there were a good few of in this story.
Spelling: 5/5
- No major problems. No minor problems either, really. Your writing is refreshingly typo-free.
>>>Overall - 134/150, or 89%
Notes:
>The sun never seemed to rise over Morytania, evil seemed to hang in the air like a curtain. The rays of light fought as best they could to break the darkness but even at the sun’s zenith at noon the light merely resembled a bleak dawn.
I love that image
_____
In chapter 25, Rachel flees with John without questioning or asking why at all. Obviously she trusts him, but she has to be wondering why Adam’s on fire and John is telling her to run away. It’s a little unrealistic, by my reasoning.
_____
The mushy chapter (26) was quite well done. The setting imagery was fantastic, and their responses and actions all seemed perfectly natural. I *do* however have a problem with the scene towards the beginning, them sleeping together, mostly because of my own personal beliefs. But also because, despite being very tactfully done, it felt out of place in the story you’re telling.
_____
>Adam was panting heavily, that was the ninth demon they had sent to its death. It had perished just like the rest, screaming in pain before turning to ash.
At the end of the last chapter, Zamorak had counted seven of his demons killed. It could be an inconsistency, but my impression was a clever way of indicating the passage of time. I like it.
_____
What a gory, beautiful ending! Well done, Elly.
Voice: 12/15
- This has to do with developing a unique and identifiable narration style. You’re still getting there.
Consistency: 9/10
- Very consistent, apart from the issues which I’ll be taking off points for below.
>Mechanics - 17/20
Syntax: 12/15
- Ehh. I find it helps to read my writing out loud or at least read it in my head like I would read it out loud. It helps in identifying sentences that are worded in really awkward ways, like there were a good few of in this story.
Spelling: 5/5
- No major problems. No minor problems either, really. Your writing is refreshingly typo-free.
>>>Overall - 134/150, or 89%
Notes:
>The sun never seemed to rise over Morytania, evil seemed to hang in the air like a curtain. The rays of light fought as best they could to break the darkness but even at the sun’s zenith at noon the light merely resembled a bleak dawn.
I love that image
_____
In chapter 25, Rachel flees with John without questioning or asking why at all. Obviously she trusts him, but she has to be wondering why Adam’s on fire and John is telling her to run away. It’s a little unrealistic, by my reasoning.
_____
The mushy chapter (26) was quite well done. The setting imagery was fantastic, and their responses and actions all seemed perfectly natural. I *do* however have a problem with the scene towards the beginning, them sleeping together, mostly because of my own personal beliefs. But also because, despite being very tactfully done, it felt out of place in the story you’re telling.
_____
>Adam was panting heavily, that was the ninth demon they had sent to its death. It had perished just like the rest, screaming in pain before turning to ash.
At the end of the last chapter, Zamorak had counted seven of his demons killed. It could be an inconsistency, but my impression was a clever way of indicating the passage of time. I like it.
_____
What a gory, beautiful ending! Well done, Elly.
Lorehound
through and through.
08-Oct-2009 05:50:38
> “Let’s go kill the rest of these things,” Adam said grimly to John and Rachel, who had just reached him…Adam stood up and brushed some of the blood off of his dented armor before taking off towards the nearest demon, with John and Rachel in tow.
These two paragraphs would work better if you switched them around. As it is, Adam’s talking while still on the ground. I just see it working better inversed.
Page 55:
> The cloth and cord formed a bag around the Soul Stone, to keep it from touching his skin; if it did his soul would immediately be eradicated from existence.
‘eradicated from existence’ is just…distasteful wording. I think you can do better. Big words don’t make good writing.
Page 56:
> It drove a fist at both John and Rachel, they both managed to avoid the attack.
Insert ‘but’, since this is a compound sentence.
Page 57:
> Ali turns around, his eyes wide in terror. A tall menacing figure in a black cloak is standing right behind him, still as a statue.
And
> A gruff male voice comes from inside the cloak, “Sorry, but I have a contract to fulfill,” the intruder reaches behind his back and grabs at the handle of his sword. He unsheathes it slowly, allowing his victim to contemplate his last moments and the actions he has committed.
And
> *I*ll do anything! Please, just don’t kill me! What do you want? The gems, you can have them, take them all,” Ali, knowing full well who it is he is looking at, pleads pathetically for his life.
You break tense in all of these segments specifically, and throughout the rest of the chapter. Be caaaaareful, Elly.
________
Whew. This review took me a very long time, partially because of having quite a few distractions including but not limited to a rather attention-craving roommate
.
About the tense breaks in the last chapter - I've done that before, and I know why we do it, but you just have to watch yourself. As always, keep writing and improving - I enjoyed the finale of Sandstone immensely
~
rbie
These two paragraphs would work better if you switched them around. As it is, Adam’s talking while still on the ground. I just see it working better inversed.
Page 55:
> The cloth and cord formed a bag around the Soul Stone, to keep it from touching his skin; if it did his soul would immediately be eradicated from existence.
‘eradicated from existence’ is just…distasteful wording. I think you can do better. Big words don’t make good writing.
Page 56:
> It drove a fist at both John and Rachel, they both managed to avoid the attack.
Insert ‘but’, since this is a compound sentence.
Page 57:
> Ali turns around, his eyes wide in terror. A tall menacing figure in a black cloak is standing right behind him, still as a statue.
And
> A gruff male voice comes from inside the cloak, “Sorry, but I have a contract to fulfill,” the intruder reaches behind his back and grabs at the handle of his sword. He unsheathes it slowly, allowing his victim to contemplate his last moments and the actions he has committed.
And
> *I*ll do anything! Please, just don’t kill me! What do you want? The gems, you can have them, take them all,” Ali, knowing full well who it is he is looking at, pleads pathetically for his life.
You break tense in all of these segments specifically, and throughout the rest of the chapter. Be caaaaareful, Elly.
________
Whew. This review took me a very long time, partially because of having quite a few distractions including but not limited to a rather attention-craving roommate
.
About the tense breaks in the last chapter - I've done that before, and I know why we do it, but you just have to watch yourself. As always, keep writing and improving - I enjoyed the finale of Sandstone immensely
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
08-Oct-2009 05:54:15
Oh, and since this puts the two halves average grade at 90%, you're welcome to keep your Heavenly Sphere signature
~
rbie
~
rbie
Lorehound
through and through.
08-Oct-2009 05:59:39
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