forums.rs

Forums

Sandstone

Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491

of 82
Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"ZOMG!!!
Gotta finish story!!!
Gotta criticize English!!!!!
RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elly"
Now now now, I (as a first study pianist) had to sit through two hours of masterclass today without interlude. Fortunately, I printed off a copy of the new bits in Sandstone to read. And now I GOTTA CRITICIZE ELLY!!!
Prepare for 'Englishswrath'.
Prepare for the bomb.
Some notes and observations :p

'sat bolt'
~Sat bolt is not a very good combination. Try say bolted and hint at the fact that he is sitting some other time.
'There was nothing there'
~There is unneeded. Delete it. Reword the entire sentence maybe better.
'thriving plants, none of them evergreens'
~Is the area humid? Also, comma splice.
'fog escaped his cold lips'
~Watch out teh repetition of 'cold' in the paragraph.
'He began walking, he did*'t'
~Ugly asterisk.
"After walking for what he was sure was days the brightness of the sky had not changed in the slightest."
~Was he hungry? Thirsty? Make a note in it that he felt neither of those.
"A thin footpath opened up before Adam; his first sign of civilization during the whole walk."
~Incorrect use of semicolon. Your second clause is not a finite sentence on its own. You must add 'it was' after the semicolon. I also don't like the 'whole walk'.
"Adam walked proudly through along the path"
~Repetition of 'walk' in this paragraph, andI don't like the 'through along'
"He must be close to someone, something that could help him."
~Comma splice. Either someone, or something or without the comma. Also, what is the logic that 'someTHING' can help him? An animal? A monster? Why would he want a monster to help him?
"Adam walked up to the door and was about to knock but the door swung open revealing a young man who appeared to be far older than most people on Gielinor. "
~This sentence is too long without punctuation in it. Also, why 'young man'? He clearly isn't young.
"He had long silvery-white hair"
~White is redundant.

18-Mar-2009 18:53:59

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"to explain his purpose but had no time"
~I prefer 'was interrupted'
"the elderly man spoke"
~Now that is DEFINITELY not young.
"you a while now.* "
*Ugly asterisk.
Note: The story before now is perversely ungripping. ALMOST boring, but not yet. I think that although you're good with descriptions and details, you need to incoporate simile, metaphor, references and symbolisms in your writing. It would give a new dimension to your description - not only making each one significant rather than just delaying the reader, but it is also more interesting to read if you compare something with another. It's much easier for the reader (actually, readers like them, and part of the fun in reading is to see new links being established to objects and new ideas) to establish links rather than giving them a number of lists.
"Adam was deeply confused at this point"
~At this point is redundant. A better structure would be: 'Adam was deeply confused; he looked quizzically from one man to the other...'
"As soon as he heard this Adam practically fell into his chair, landing with a thump as he stared at the two in disbelief. "
~Contrast this with the second sentence of your chapter: "He stood up and realized that he had died." :|
"You see death is just a state of life."
~Comma after 'see'
“So what am I still doing here!?"
~Do not use ?! or !? or !!!!!!. It is bad grammar and I forgot the technical name for it. One will do. Either 'What am I doing here?' or 'Why am I still here?'.
“You are aware of the significance of the demon horns, right?”
~This seem to hav ejumped out of nowhere. Where did demon horns come from? Where did I (or any reader) saw it last in Sandstone?
"Adam’* expression changed from anger to shame, “No.*"
*Damned asterisks.
"*Well then, that is why you are still here,” said the man in green. “We will tell you.” "
~Asterisk again. And 'We will tell you' is quite abrupt as a sentence on its own.

18-Mar-2009 18:54:20

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“The demon horns represent Zamorak; the most vile of gods. "
~Should be a colon or a dash. Grammatically you are correct, but the second clause seem to me to add to the first clause and therefore you need a colon.
"He was once a powerful demon, but an encounter with Armadyl"
~That wasn't what the Lore and History had said. Zamorak was once a Mahjarrat who betrayed Zaros and stole his godhood by sticking the staff of Armadyl into him.
"the piece of him that was injured was a part of his soul."
~I smell Harry Potter. WHY is Adam special? In what way is he special? Where else have you mentioned he is special throughout Sandstone?
"It wandered around all Gielinor searching for a host for quite a few centuries."
~Revise this sentence.
Note: You need to refer to specific examples of how Adam is special in Part 1. How did he survive the arrow at the start? How did he manage to break out the prison? Refer to SPECIFIC incidents to show that you did plan this through thoroughly.
Note: Rather saying Zamorak WAS the ranger, why don't you just say he was someone sent by Zamorak? Zamorak would sure to kill Adam. Or that the ranger is empowered by Zamorak?
"He opened his eyes just in time to see Rachel tackle him into a hug."
~Tenses here is not quite right.
"Adam felt his back, the arrow was gone."
~Comma splice. A dash would work well here.
Note: As a reader, I would LOVE to have Adam back into the hospital at the start. Not only giving your piece some structure, revisiting some forgotten characters and the development of them since the event, catching up on the prophecy, contrasts with chapter 1, and a symbollic new life etc. Oh well, that's just my suggestion.
Good luck with this wicked story! I hope you appreiciate that I'm doing this in front of millions of other things such as school work and things. Speaking of which, I have to go to do them now...

18-Mar-2009 18:54:35 - Last edited on 18-Mar-2009 18:56:19 by Englishkid62

Quick find code: 49-50-725-57741491 Back to Top