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NovelistElly

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Rachel and Al were waiting at the gate for Adam, who still had the key. Adam reached into his robes and tore off the patch, grasping the key tightly in his left hand. He jammed the key into the keyhole and wrenched the wrought iron gate open, barely losing the momentum of his run. Adam and Rachel turned from the western facing gate and began to head north, Al waved happily and ran south.

On top of the guard tower Captain Ali was having a fit, he refused to accept that those prisoners had escaped. Still supported by his guard he shouted out to the archers, “Fire, fire, fire! Fire at those two running North until they drop to the ground dead! Kill them!!!”
The archers released the arrows they held at his command, aiming directly for Adam and Rachel.

Rachel saw it coming, “Adam, run!”
Her and Adam took off across the sand, running for their lives from the shower of arrows headed their way, Adam who had been running longer began to falter. He was exhausted from a lack of food and too much work in the mines. The early morning sun lit up the features on his left side and when Rachel turned back she should see that he was very fatigued. Suddenly Adam stopped running in his tracks and a short, low groan escaped his lips. He collapsed face down in the sand and Rachel gasped in horror at the arrow jutting from his back, right where his heart should be. Rachel doubled back and dove to the ground to feel Adam’s pulse. His heart was still beating weakly and the arrows stopped falling on them.

22-Feb-2009 23:39:43

NovelistElly

Posts: 2,603 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The Captain saw the whole thing and shouted to his archers in jubilation, “Excellent shot! Look at them, they are both lying on the ground dead. Great job gentlemen.”
One of the archers turned to look at the Captain, “What should we do with them sir.*
The Captain sneered and replied, “Do nothing, leave them for the vultures.”

To Rachel the prison appeared much smaller, shrunken by the distance between them and its sinister walls. Rachel shook Adam as tears flowed down her cheeks, the life was draining out of him and his pulse was slowing.
Rachel yelled at him, “Adam, you can’t die! Please, don’t die!”
The sun caressed Rachel and Adam in its early morning warmth, gentle oranges flowed over Adam like a blanket for his deathbed. His pulse slowed and Rachel felt it and grasped onto the fact that he was still alive for hope. The beats came slower and slower and Adam blinked slowly up at Rachel, then he closed his eyes and sighed as the breath left his body. Rachel felt as his pulse stopped and his body lay limp and still in the sand, his head facing her.
Rachel slumped over onto his lifeless body and wept as the sun on the horizon mocked her loss.
×××End of Part One×××

22-Feb-2009 23:40:15 - Last edited on 23-Feb-2009 20:20:07 by NovelistElly

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Nice adds, Elly

I'm glad to have read it, really. Here are some notes which you might enjoy:
Adam looked down at his hands, they were raw and torn from his grasp on his pickaxe;
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A dash or a colon works better than the comma.
I’ll shield you from any harm that may come at us
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Kinda sweet :p
“Shall we?* asked Adam.
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Fix asterisk.
manual labor he had undergone during his week in the mines
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Wasn't them starved, I wonder? Does he have enough Adenonsine-TriPhosphate (energy) to support this?
“First time for everything.”
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There is a first time for everything?

A huge sound
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What sort of sound? Is it painful to the ear and sharp, or gentle like jazzy punk?
Rachel and Al were waiting at the gate for Adam
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Since when did they get there? =/
Rachel yelled at him
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It would probably have more emotion if she said is softly. Sometimes, a louder voice doesn't necessarily makes the message/emotion more powerful.
Rachel slumped over onto his lifeless body and wept at the loss of her love.
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A little less believable than I would've hoped, but it was quite a good ending.

Good job!

Although I think Adam'd end up in the same hospital he started off with, or something - I kinda predicted he won't die lol.

23-Feb-2009 00:18:59