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Dreamweaver's Assorted Tales

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Scoucher

Scoucher

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Great! As always, I enjoyed your humor.
In the last post, a whole word is censored out. You probably want to go back and change that.
And from your spelling, I'm guessing you're from Britain or England or whatever you call it.
-scouch

12-Nov-2007 05:56:37

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
.o~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~o.
<~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ SLUMBERING UGLY ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~>
'o~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~*'

Cast of Characters:
Principle boy: Fire! a.k.a. Slumbering Ugly, played by the beautiful Aga
Principle girl: Mutton, played by the frail Ug
Dame: Mum, played by the confused Dad
Villian: Arrg, played by the evil Arrg
Pantomime sheep: Played by the two penguins, Ping and Pong

16-Nov-2007 08:54:12

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Act 1, Scene 1
[[The curtains open to reveal a heartwarming scene in a Troll cave. Clustered around a smoky camp fire are a number of important-looking tribal elders. A large female troll lies on the ground, clutching her huge wooden branch, flailing and straining.]]
Elder 1: Okay, we're all here. Now hurry up an' push!
Elder 2: Yeah. What he said.
Mum: Gnnnnnnng!
Elder 3: Here he comes!
Elder 2: Oh, hairy already. And it's a boy.
Mum: Gaaahh! Gnn!
Elder 1: And out he comes! Let's see what the little tyke's name is.
Elder 3: No! Fire! Ahh, don't eat that! Not the flames! Hot!
Mum: *Panting* My son's name is Fire!
Elder 1: Welcome to our tribe, Fire! I bless you with bowed legs and extremely hairy ears.
Elder 2: Welcome to our tribe, Fire! I bless you with overgrown claws and warts on your back.
Elder 3: Welcome to our tribe, Fire! I bless you with stinking feet and crooked elbows.
[[Suddenly a fourth Elder leaps into the cave, aggressively wielding a massive wooden club]]
Elder 1: *Gasp*
Elder 2: *Gasp*
Elder 3: *Gasp*
Mum: *Gasp*
Audience: *Gasp*
Arrg: Arrg! I am Arrg. I have arrived! Now hurry up an' push!
Mum: *Stammering* Err, Arrg? The baby has arrived. It's a boy.
Arrg: You didn't wait? Arrg! Then let me see what his name will be.
Mum: *Stuttering* Err, Arrg? The boy's name is Fire!
[[Arrg roars loudly and levels his club at Mum. The other elders back away]]
Arrg: You insult your chief elder this way, Dad? I mean, Mum? The boy is not Fire! He is nameless and accursed from his unbidden entry to the tribe. I curse him!
Mum: No, please!
Arrg: I curse him!
Mum: *Sobbing* No, I'll do anything.
~continued~

16-Nov-2007 08:54:42

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Arrg: I curse him! Before his tenth birthday he will cut himself on a wooden splinter and lose his looks. His skin will turn smooth and white like driven snow, his limbs will become straight and willowy, his hair silky and thick and he will smell like Trollweiss in the springtime. Arrg has spoken! Arrg!
[[Arrg roars one final time and leaves the cave.]]
Mum: *Crying* What do we do? All is lost!
Elder 1: I cannot undo that curse, but maybe all of us together can weaken it.
[[The three elders mutter among themselves for a short while, then nod in agreement.]]
Elder 2: We will pelt Fire! ceremoniously with small stones, and weaken the curse to a sleep. We shall also command every able troll to deforest this entire mountainside. No wood shall remain!
Mum: Don't think for one moment you're taking my branch though. I never let go of it!.
Elder 2: Okay, just don't hit your son with it. Now let's get on with this.
Elder 3: *throwing gravel at the baby* You will not lose your looks, but you will sleep instead.
Elder 1: *throwing gravel at the baby* You will not lose your looks, but you will sleep instead.
Elder 2: *throwing gravel at the baby* Yeah. What they said.
Elder 3: It is done. Fire! will not become disfigured if he gets a splinter. But the curse has been shared by the whole tribe. The entire village will fall into long slumber instead. Should that happen, the only way to break the curse will be for a troll to show Fire! a sign of her true love.
Elder 1: Are you serious? That's the best you could do? What's the chances of that happening? Kind of contrived, don't you think?
Elder 3: It's not my fault. It's in the script. I didn't write this stuff.
Elder 2: Who cares? I'm starving. Hey Dad... Mum, do you have any Dwarf backstage?
[[The trolls begin to forage for food as the curtains close.]]
[[End of Act 1. Intermission to give the cast and audience time to eat.]]
~continued~

16-Nov-2007 08:55:10 - Last edited on 16-Nov-2007 09:01:52 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Act 2, Scene 1
[[It is several years later. The curtain opens to a winters night in the centre of the troll camp. Mum and Fire! are discussing how best to prepare and eat the wolf they have caught.]]
Fire!: I want to mash its head and eat its brain first.
Mum: You can't have desert first, and then not eat your main course. At least one flank or you won't even get an eyeball.
Fire!: Aww Dad, I mean Mum.
Mum: Now, get working. I'm going back to our cave. I expect you back soon with it gutted and skinned.
[[As Mum exits, Fire! begins to tear into the carcass. After a short while, a large troll with a huge wooden club sneaks in, unnoticed by Fire! Arrg faces the audience, and holds a finger to his lips.]]
Arrg: Shhhh!
Audience: *Gasp* It's Arrg! Fire! He's behind you!
Fire!: *Jumps up in shock and looks around* No he isn't!
[[Arrg tip-toes across the stage as Fire! wheels around to look.]]
Audience: Oh yes he is!
Fire!: Oh no he isn't!
[[Arrg tip-toes back across the stage.]]
Audience: Oh yes he is!
Fire!: Oh no he isn't!
Audience: Oh yes he is! He's over there, you buffoon! Look, just turn around fast, he's right over there. He keeps creeping straight past you, in front of us, while your back is turned. He's right there! Just look over your shoulder! We all know this is just hammed up choreography meant to provide us with some light entertainment!
Fire!: *Blinks at Audience* Errr...
Arrg: *Cackling evilly* Hello, Fire! I see that your cruel old Dad... Mum made you skin and gut the wolf.
Fire!: Yes.
Arrg: And I see tha...
Audience-member: Oh yes he is!
Rest of Audience: Shut up you idiot. You missed it!
Arrg: And I see that she wouldn't even let you eat the eyes or brains for all your hard work.
Fire!: No she wouldn't.
Arrg: But you deserve the juicy treats for skinning it, and she's not here. Go on, help yourself quick. She will never know.
~continued~

16-Nov-2007 08:55:49 - Last edited on 16-Nov-2007 09:07:37 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Fire!: But I have nothing to crush the head with.
Arrg: You can borrow my club if you wish. Just for a moment.
Fire!: Oh thank you. That brain will be so tasty, and Mum will never know.
[[Arrg offers Fire! the huge wooden club, who grabs it enthusiastically, but then immediately drops it with a cry.]]
Fire!: *holding finger* Ouch, I got a splinter from the handle.
Arrg: *Laughing manically* Yes, How terribly unfortunate.
Fire!: I feel so tired suddenly. I think I'll just sit for a min...
[[Fire! crashes unceremoniously to the ground, already fast asleep and snoring.]]
Arrg: The sweet, sweet sound of snoring! I did it, I did it! The whole camp will fall asleep under my curse! After all these years, I've finally don...
[[Arrg crashes to the ground next to Fire! and also starts snoring loudly. Mum comes running onstage in a panic.]]
Mum: Fire! Oh Fire! Wake up! Wake up!
[[She notices the sleeping form of Arrg on the ground.]]
Mum: Arrg! So it was you. When you wake up I'm going to knock you senseless! I'm going to, to...
[[With a cavernous yawn, Mum teeters on her feet briefly, then collapses on top of Arrg, snoring as loudly as the other two trolls. Several minutes pass.]]
Half of Audience: This is boring.
Other half of Audience: Everyone's snoring.
[[Time passes slowly]]
Half of Audience:*Louder* This is REALLY boring.
Other half of Audience: *Louder* Everyone's STILL snoring.
[[More time passes slowly]]
Half of Audience: *Yelling* THIS IS EXTREMELY BORING!
Other half of Audience: *Yelling* EVERYONE'S STILL JUST SNORING!
Stage-hand: Oh, sorry. I was asleep.
[[The lights go down and the curtains close.]]
[[End of Act 2. Intermission to give the cast and audience more time to eat.]]
~continued~

16-Nov-2007 08:56:11 - Last edited on 16-Nov-2007 09:14:09 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Act 3, Scene 1
[[The lights come up and the curtains open to a snowy scene high in the mountains. A prop troll runs across the stage holding a sign that reads, “A Hunderd Yeers Latr.” After a minute, a sheep enters from stage left.]]
Pantomime Sheep Back End: Ping, what did you eat earlier? I told you, no mackerel if I had to be at the back.
Pantomime Sheep Front End: Shut up Pong! We're on.
[[The sheep flaps its way across the stage, hotly but ineptly pursued, it appears, by a frail little female troll with a small stick as a weapon.]]
Mutton: Come back here! I'm strong and fierce and a great hunter. You can't escape!
Pantomime Sheep Front End: Actually we elect to run from all trolls called mutton or lamb. It's a well-tested self-preservation thing.
Mutton: I'll get you this time, you fishy ruminant.
Pantomime Sheep Front End: You can't catch us! I mean, me!
[[The sheep dances around the stage, flapping and sliding effortlessly across the snow, as Mutton struggles along behind, getting more and more tired. Finally, Mutton flings her stick at the sheep, but misses and knocks an Audience member in the front row out cold.]]
Mutton: Take that, you dirty beast!
Friend of Audience Member: How dare you!
[[The audience member picks up the stick and throws it back at Mutton, catching her on the forehead. Mutton rolls down the mountainside and off the side of the stage.]]
Pantomime Sheep Back End: Okay, we're done, Ping. Offstage quick. I've got to get out of this thing right now!
[[The Sheep exits stage right, and the curtains close.]]
[[End of Act 3. Intermission to give the cast and audience more much-needed snack time.]]
~continued~

16-Nov-2007 08:56:32 - Last edited on 16-Nov-2007 09:17:02 by Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Act 4, Scene 1
[[The curtains open and we find ourselves back in the centre of the troll camp. A thick blanket of snow covers everything, but there are suspicious rasping noises coming from two large lumps of snow in the middle of the stage. Mutton staggers in from stage left, rubbing her head.]]
Mutton: Oh, where am I? I've never been down this side of the mountain before.
[[Mutton looks around the seemingly deserted village, then notices the sound coming from the lumps in the middle of the stage.]]
Mutton: What is this?
[[Mutton starts to shovel the snow away from the smaller lump, eventually uncovering the sleeping form of Fire!]]
Mutton: Wow. Slumbering Ugly! What a magnificent troll. I feel an almighty patter in my heart and an overwhelming swooning in my head. He is blessed with bowed legs and extremely hairy ears. He is blessed with overgrown claws and warts on his back. He is blessed with stinking feet and crooked elbows! My heart is truly smitten!
[[Mutton searches around in the snow for a chunky rock, then returns to the snoring Fire!]]
Mutton: This is for you, Slumbering Ugly, my new-found love!
[[In the age-old custom of the mountain trolls, Mutton lifts the rock high into the air above Fire!, then lets it go. It crashes down upon his head, immediately awakening him from his accursed sleep.]]
Fire!: Ouch!
Mutton: Slumbering Ugly! I commit my love to you. Pray, tell me your name?
Fire!: Fire!
Mutton: Fire! That's hot! I am Mutt... Yikes!
[[Immediately behind Mutton, the snow shifts and the drowsy forms of Arrg and Mum disentangle themselves from themselves and stand up.]]
~continued~

16-Nov-2007 08:57:05 - Last edited on 16-Nov-2007 09:34:19 by Dreamweaver

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