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Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Oh how he longed for the smell of blood, sweat, and the dirt of a battleground! He missed the feel of his sword cutting soldiers down in the heat of battle!”

~Inconsistent tenses. I should say nothing more, and let you fix them on your own. There are far too many inconsistent tenses to name them all, so what I will do from this point on is this: I will show you the sentence/phrase that has this mistake, and let you correct your own tenses. That way, you show a bit more independence instead of me finding all the mistakes for you. I will simply write ‘inconsistent tenses’.

“He preferred to give them a quick death.”

~Inconsistent tenses.

“He heard a twig snap behind him and he swiftly turned toward the sound. He pointed his fingers towards a shape in the dark.”

~Inconsistent tenses.

"AH! Gods dang* it (A)srown! That hurt!" growled the mysterious figure.

~Inconsistent tenses.

"Well what do you expect? I'm gonna entangle anyone who tries to sneak up on me!" scolded (A)srown.

The man yawned. "You're pretty lucky, 'cuz I'm too tired from my swim to be angry." And with that, Turaek dropped to the ground and fell asleep.

~Inconsistent tenses. Well, I suppose that it*s getting far too out of hand for me to keep doing this. I will stop writing all the tense-wise mistakes. It is your responsibility to find them all.

"I should find some food." he muttered.

~The period should be turned into a comma.

“The morning was uneventful, except for the occasional scorpion, fiercely defending it's territory when Turaek tread too close.*

* *It’s” is a contraction that means “it is.” Obviously you did*’t mean that the scorpion was fiercely defending it is territory. Change “it’s” to *its,” the possessive form.

"Hmmmm, I don't think this is Lumbridge." said (A)srown.

*Change the period after “Lumbridge” into a comma.

18-Jan-2009 23:14:07

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"I don't care where I am! I don't like it." growled Turaek. He turned around and SMACK! walked straight into a wall.

~Change the period in the dialogue into a period. Plus, the second sentence is a bit awkward. I suggest you rearrange it to make the sentence flow better.

“Turaek, I know what you're thinking and no, you cannot go around. The wall was built around a certain area and its a hundred feet high.”

~Put a comma after “thinking.” Secondly, the “its” should have an apostrophe.

“You've slowed my down and Saradomin is catching up!”

~I’m pretty sure you meant “me,” not *my.”


"I think we should return this. It belongs to the Saradominists." said Turaek.

~The period should be a comma.

"I see four"

"I see five"

~There should be a period after both “four” and “five.”

“It was then that the one carrying to standard noticed them.”

~I’m fairly sure that you meant “the standard,” not “to standard.”

“Why couldn't just practice you teleportation more?”

~This doesn’t make any sense. It should read: “Why couldn’t you just practice your teleportation more?”

"(A)srown take the flag!" he yelled.

~There should be a comma after “(A)srown.”


“They both stab the same person, a woman in full Dragon armor and an Abyssal Whip, in the only place vunerable, her neck.”

~ First off, you wrote “vunerable.” This is obviously not a word; you probably meant “vulnerable.” Secondly, the comma after “vulnerable” should be a colon.

“Turaek moves out of the way of the visciously curved scimitar held by the woman. He can hear the whistling of the air as the blood-red weapon barely misses it's mark.”

~ You wrote “visciously.” I now have to question if you’re using a spellchecker or not; you’re making a lot of mistakes. Plus, the *it’s” shouldn’t have an apostrophe.

18-Jan-2009 23:14:41

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"I'm not so sure," responded a doubtful (A)srown," We have both flags and this is a main route for warriors."

~Yet again, after “(A)srown,” you placed the quotation mark in the wrong place. It should be right before “we.”

"Oh yeah, its oh so very flattering!" growled Turaek.

~The “its” should have an apostrophe.

“Finally, an arrow shot from a bow sung out of one of the finest crystal seeds in the elven lands pierced Turaek's side and he fell back onto the tower. The attackers rushed up to him and one raised his dragon longsword. He brought the gleaming sword down and as if in slow motion, Turaek watched the blade drop.

He closed his eyes, ready to face death.”

~This is the kind of description I’ve been looking for! You finally have broken through, and you’ve proved to me that you’re worthy of a good grade for description. Job well done!!

“Instead, he was meet with an eerie silence.”

~Present tense or past tense, this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. “Meet” wouldn’* fit in with either past or present tense. You probably meant “met.”

“(A)srown raised him arms and they disappeared in a ball of purple light.”

~You most likely meant “his arms,” not *him arms.”

“It consumes the bridge, blocking their only exit and continues on it's path of destruction.”

~Yet again, there is no need for an apostrophe on the “it’s.” It should be the possessive version, “its.”

“The White Knights and Arthur's Round Table are all but wiped out."

~This is contradictory. If they’re all but wiped out, then they’re all perfectly standing. Omit the word “but.*

---

This concludes your corrections; there were quite a few. Now, it’s time to post your final grade.

18-Jan-2009 23:15:44

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Final Markings:

Plot: 17/20

Mechanics (This includes spelling, grammar, and vocabulary usage): 10/20.

Character development/personalities: 15/20.

Description: 18/20.

Originality: 18/20.

Final Score: 78/100 = 78%

This is your final score, and I regret to inform you that you have not been accepted into the Writers of Varrock.

---

Suggestions:

I strongly suggest that you correct all the mistakes I pointed out throughout the review. The grade isn’t bad; you just have some mistakes. The margin that stopped you from getting into the Writers of Varrock or not was your mechanics. The tense changes and other grammatical mistakes deterred heavily from the reading, and that also heavily deducted from your score.

I wish you the best of luck in future writing.

~Cicobe1’s review.

18-Jan-2009 23:16:14

[#WIK7YQF0Z]

[#WIK7YQF0Z]

Posts: 2,189 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Bookmark of Supremacy ^_^

Hello, One Hot Stud, I am User Rc101 (User), the sole reviewer of Miracular Spectacular Reviews (MSR). Your story that you've applied to us is currently number one on the Waiting List and is currently being reviewed. Give your review time, it will come as soon as possible. Thanks! ^_^

-USER
Miracular Spectacular Reviews

12-Feb-2009 23:48:56 - Last edited on 12-Feb-2009 23:49:04 by [#WIK7YQF0Z]

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