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A New Era

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Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Review #1 – One Hot Stud’s “A New Era.”

Thoughts -

Prediction: Why would the story be called “A New Era?” Is it meant to predict future outcome of Runescape? Is it meant to symbolize major revolution or change in Runescape? Surely enough, it will deal with some kind of “newness.”

Thoughts #1 (Posts 1-5) – Stories are usually written in the past tense. Will tenses be consistent despite the present tense?

Finished reading the first five posts. They seem pretty well written, and the storyline is starting to peak its way through. The description is very well done, but there are a tremendous amount of grammar mistakes. This will most likely deduct highly from the score if this keeps occurring. The story has very good descriptions, and no grade of plot comes to mind because it hasn’t really come into play yet. The originality seems very good, and the character personalities are decent. That concludes my thoughts for the first five story posts; so on I read.


Thoughts #2 (Posts 6-10) – Frankly, I was a bit disappointed in this part. I was hoping that the plot would make itself evident, and that the story would become more exciting. So far, the most exciting part was the world of Gielnor in flames. I’m sorry to say that you have failed to impress me in Posts 6-10. It was littered with tense changes, grammatical mistakes, and the mechanics have plummeted. Despite this, the character knowledge has gradually gotten better, as well as the plot making itself a little more visible. That concludes my thoughts for the second part; on I read.

18-Jan-2009 23:08:06

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thoughts #3 (Posts 11-15) – Things have gotten much better! The plot is now making itself evident, and improvement is quite obvious. There is a bit more violence to the story, instead of the same, monotonous story on the island. For one moment, there was a thrilling part to the story that was well-made; well done! However, along with this come some complaints. The Table of Contents is now out-of-date, and I must go wandering through the thread just to find the rest of the story. It’s getting quite odd, having the author not even posting the story. Is this going to continue? That concludes my thoughts for the third part; on I read.

Thoughts #4 (Posts 16-20) – Well, I’ve counted up the number of posts you have (This does not include half or incomplete posts), and it adds up to exactly 20 story posts. This is my opinion based on the end of the story. The last few posts were scattered everywhere and it has gotten quite confusing as to where each story post may lie. Still, you seem to impress me with your descriptions, which always seemed to be a strong point, in my opinion. The whole story was fair, and there were a lot of grammatical mistakes. As I said before, it was no better than fair. What really disappointed me is your thrilling beginning, but for the rest of the story, it was quite mundane. That concludes my thoughts for the fourth part; your final summary will be shown below.

Final Summary: Overall, the story was fairly well-written. It was littered with tense changes, grammatical errors, and comma splices. It was a good storyline, and very original. The description was fantastic; this was one of your strong points. Mechanics are 1/5 of your grade, and you have failed to impress me with any sort of immaculate mechanics.

18-Jan-2009 23:08:31

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The mistakes really deterred from the piece, and stopped my reading flow. The mistakes simply went on and on and never ceased to end. The characters were slightly different, but there were no major traits that set one apart from the other. They mostly had all monotonous voices which also failed to impress me.

So your character development/personalities were fair; your mechanics were a major problem; your descriptions were great; your originality was fantastic; and the plot was good. Overall, it was a fair read. The reason for the plot grade is that the beginning was explosive and dramatic, but it was quite boring for the rest of the story, aside from the Castle Wars scene as well as the last few posts. I will tally up your score in a bit and post it at the end of the review.

---

Corrections –

Prologue -

“The two mysterious men quickly leave the building. As the first one leaves, he pulls out a crossbow and fires a bolt at the strange bottle*.”

~It is possible to get rid of these asterisks. Simply re-type the whole word, and it will be solved. If you don’t feel like reading through your whole story trying to find them, press Control and F to bring up a “finding bar.” Type in any phrase or letter, and it will find it. In this case, type in * to find all the asterisks on the page. Then go to the next page and repeat the process until you are able to correct them all.


“Hey Bill!” said another employee as she walked towards him,” How olds your granddaughter now?*

* *How olds your granddaughter now?*

I know that you can do better than this. An apostrophe usually “carries” a letter in the contraction. In this case, an apostrophe is needed to “carry” the “I” in the word “is.” It should read: “How old’s your granddaughter now?*

18-Jan-2009 23:09:51

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“She’s gonna be 11. Hell, I remember when she was born. Seems like yesterday I could hold her with 1 hand. How ‘bout you Danelle? When are you gonna start a family?”

~Having numerical characters on a story/book is unprofessional. Spell out the word “one.”

“Bill…you do know I’m only 19 right?”

~In this case, however, it’s okay to put in numerical character(*). If you’re trying to insert a year or age into the story, simply put it in numbers. On the other hand, when you’re not inserting a year or age, spell it out.


“Nonsense! I was 16 when I got married. As a matter o’ fact you shoul- Hey! What’* that smell?”

~Asterisk in the “what’s,” you should fix it. I’m well aware that the filter does this, but it can be distracting to the reader. In order to prevent the reader from being distracted, I strongly suggest you fix it.

“Bill we have to warn the people in the bank! This isn’t an accidental spill! Someone purposely put this here!”

~There should be a comma after “Bill.”

“He takes the pipe out of his mouth and throws it as far as he can into the maple forest behind the bank. As the pipe flies through the air, hot ashes and burning tobacco fall out and slowly, almost as in slow motion, drift downwards and gently land on the gunpowder.”

~The second sentence is a bit awkward. I would put it as “As the pipe flies through the air, the hot ashes and burning tobacco fall out slowly, almost as in slow motion, and drift downwards and gently land on the gunpowder.” There were quite a few mistakes in the sentence you posted, but I’ve corrected them with that sentence. Simply copy and paste it onto the story for better flow.

“The fire splits into 2 trails once it reaches the front of the bank and it continues to burn.”

~Again, insert “two,” not *2.*

18-Jan-2009 23:10:44

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“SONUVA-“thought Bill.

~There should be a space in between the dash and the starting quotation. Plus, a whole word makes the story sound unprofessional. This is your choice, but I suggest you de-capitalize all the letters.

“Many White Knights were crushed in their sleep, and trees in the park were turned to torches.”

~The “to” should be “into.” The new sentence should read: Many White Knights were crushed in their sleep, and trees in the park were turned into torches.”

“People in Rimmington, Port Sarim, Ice Mountain, and Taverly watched a gigantic pillar of smoke, illuminated by the fires, rise miles into the sky.*

*Taverley is spelled with two e’s, not one. I like the description of the sentence; the reader can easily visualize the scenario. Job well done on describing the mayhem of the fire.

“Magic trees that had once twinkled with magical sparks and sang a tune so beautiful, it made Saradomin cry, were now nothing but charred logs on the ground.”

~Despite the story being written in present tense, you were recalling a past event of Saradomin crying. The “it” should be replaced with a “that,” and the first comma should be omitted.

End of Prologue corrections.


---

Moving on…

“On the clearest of days, Crash Island can be seen, just below the horizon.”

~No need for the second comma, get rid of it.

*Has it been long since you left? Wow! We must be getting old.” Tylas laughed. “Anyways, I’ve been working in Lumbridge as the Lumbridge Guide.”

~Despite the fact of the asterisks, the first sentence is a bit odd. I think you meant “Has it been that long since you left?”
Nice job adding in new characters and having some familiar ones from the game; very well done.

“Tylas face became very serious.”

~This is a possessive phrase, since you’re talking about his face. Change it to “Tylas’s face.”

18-Jan-2009 23:11:35

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“I haven’t gone 200 miles out to the middle of nowhere just to chat. I came here to discuss matters of the utmost importance.”

~Change 200 to two hundred.

“GODS DANGIT* TURAEK! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THREE DAYS AGO? DO YOU?”

~First off, again with the all capital letters. I suggest you change it. Secondly, I think that it should be “God,” not *Gods.”

“No Tylas, You know dang* well that you’re the first person I’ve talked to in nearly 5 decades!”

~Five decades, not 5 decades.

“Tylas, who was still in a terrible fit of anger, replied,* I don’t give a dang* about that right now!*

*Obviously, the asterisk blocked out a quotation mark. Either way, it was placed in the wrong spot. You posted it immediately after the comma, when it should be before the “I.”

“Seers Village and Falador are all but wiped out!”

~First off, “Seers’ Village” should have an apostrophe. Second, isn’t that contradictory? If they’re all but wiped out, that means that they are in perfect condition. I suggest you omit the “but.” No humor intended.

“There’s nothing left of Seers and Falador is barely standing!”

~ “Seers” should have an apostrophe, and there should be a comma after it.

“He would've been a very good gnomeball player.”

~This is what I want to see more of! Very good! You managed to tie in his bodily appearance with the world of Runescape, very well orchestrated!


"Well I recommend getting more paper. This might last a while." said (A)srown, setting down his empty bowl. "I'm gonna take a nap. I believe we'll have visitors tonight."

~ “This might last a while.” said (A)srown, setting down his empty bowl. The period should be replaced with a comma.
"Turaek is going with us whether he likes it or not." murmured Tylas to himself.

~Yet again, replace the period with a comma.

“He looked around and finds a small section cut out of the bluff.”

~Inconsistent tenses! You wrote “looked” and “finds!” You should probably change “looked” to “looks.”

18-Jan-2009 23:12:33

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“He pulled a dead Scorpius Collidus, or Crash Scorpion out of his robes.”

~Fantastic. Very nicely done having the translation, it will earn you points on your originality if you include more phrases like these. However, on we go to the negative aspects of this sentence. You wrote that he “pulled.” Keep your tenses consistent, and change “pulled” to “pulls.* Secondly, add a comma after “Crash Scorpion.”

“When his eyes readjusted, Tylas saw that where the circle once was, a hole 6 feet deep and 10 feet wide had appeared.”

~You know what you should change in this sentence. I need not remind you again, don’t put numerical characters in this kind of sentence in your story!

"Yeah sure whatever," replied the half asleep Turaek.

~There should be a comma after “sure.”

“He sat up groggily.”

~Again, with the tenses! Change “sat” to “sits.”

He asked (A)srown in a very serious tone," What did you say before, under all those bags?"

~The quotation mark is placed in the wrong spot. It is placed in front of the comma, and that is incorrect. Get rid of it and place it in front of the “what.”

"HOLYJEEZHOLYJEEZHOLYJEEZ! AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! TYLAS!!!! PUT ME DOWN SO I CAN KICK YOU A-"

~You know, this is really starting to remind me of a noob story. All these capital letters are really unprofessional, and they will deduct from your grade. It isn’t wrong to add some humor into your story, but when doing so, don’t do it like you did above. Plus, you should change “you” into “your.”

Nashode interrupted. "You know, that island is a decent ways away, but we can hear Rolad very easily. Why? I find that kinda strange."

~This is much better!! This is the kind of humor I want to see, not the all capital letters, poorly written sentences. Very well done!

"There's several different reasons why we can hear our loudmouthed friend so well, but I won't go into any details. We should prepare for our guests. They should land soon.

18-Jan-2009 23:12:58

Cicobe1

Cicobe1

Posts: 4,823 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~You forgot to insert the ending quotation. Put in a quotation mark after “soon.”

"THREEEeeeeeeeeeeee-" Turaek's voice grew fainter and fainter as he dropped 200 feet into the warm waters below.

~The humor is good; it made me laugh. What did*’t make me laugh are the repetitive numerical characters you’re putting in. Change “200” to “two hundred.”

“He thrashed wildly and broke free of his bindings, then swam for the surface.”

~ “Thrashed” and “swam” are both past tense versions of their verb! You should keep your tenses consistent, and not rely on spellcheckers or other editors to find all your mistakes. You should acknowledge your biggest problem, and re-read your story carefully to correct them. In this case (and I’ve heard you mention it), tense changes are your biggest problem. You should be thankful that it*s only a thirty post story. I’ll be honest as well – tense changes are a big problem for a lot of people, including myself. You should be thankful that you don’t have to read through an 87-post story, like me. To make a long story short, simply correct the tense changes.

“He broke the surface of the water, gasping for air.”

~Yet again, “broke” is the past tense of “break.” Keep your tenses consistent.

“Turaek looked around and saw an orange glow, probably a campfire.”

~Yet again, “looked” is the past tense of “look.” Keep your tenses consistent.

“(A)srown poked the remains of the fire with a stick. He absentmindedly watched the sparks rise into the humid, jungle night air and thoughts of the past week's events fluttered through his head.

He worriedly stroked his long white beard as he realized what these events might lead to and what he may have to do.”

~These two whole paragraphs are filled with tense inconsistencies. I must say, you certainly have a big problem with them. I am sorry to say that this is going to deduct heavily off your score.

18-Jan-2009 23:13:27

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