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The Story Of Castle Wars

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[#WPO3NUGNZ]

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

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Dear Poller5,

You have been marked as Inactive at the Academy of Reviewing, due to the fact that you have made no posts since August 1st or before.

This is a breach of Academy rules, and, thus, you will be removed on September 1st.

Please, post on the Academy, and you will be removed from the Inactive list immediately.

Sincerely,
Dav_dog92, Headmaster

If you do not know the new QFC, I will be glad to post it at your request, though I don't wish to break Thread Advertising rules by posting it before you consent.

18-Aug-2007 19:25:29

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Review for: The Story of Castle Wars, by Poller5

Yay for monster reviews. This one is long.

Grammar/Spelling: This was really good, practically no errors.
- “Gul'dan ran down the road and grabbed the newsboy by the shoulder[ ]"Tell me all you know[]" he whispered urgently.” – Chapter, 1, post 1 – punctuation is needed before and after the dialogue. This error appears a few times in the beginning, then gets better.
- “I doubt even I [cold] cast a spell that would make you feel* * Chapter 8 – could.
- “the sudden attack and was forced to [through] himself to the side to avoid them.” – Chapter 9 – Throw.

Description/Vocab: Very nicely done. I think character appearance is lacking, but setting description and the vocabulary you use is all very nicely done. Here are my notes:
- “He was of average height, with short brown hair and soft green eyes.” – Chapter 1, post 1 – not clear here who you are describing; Gul’dan or the newsboy – the description doesn’t really fit here. Maybe after, when Gul’dan is on his own? It would make more sense, since I THINK you meant Gul’dan.
- “"No," Gul'dan said, rapidly scrambling to his feet and searching for the source of the voice.” – you just said his legs were tied. It’s hard to stand up like that.
- “However, that man has left now, and so now I can reveal that the elves will march to war.” – How does he know that? It might help to see first that he gets Gul’dan back from them, and THEN says “Oh, just kidding.”
- Your description of Karna’khes* fit very nicely – send him to inspect it, here’* what he sees. That’s much better. Also nice addition of some history. Especially how you mention he read it. That makes it flow SO much more smoothly. Well done.
- “The boy had stood in shock all night, watching all that he had ever known turn to ashes.” – I like that sentence. It’s very sad, a powerful image.
- I agree with what Mattman said about Chapter 17 – it was very powerful, emotion-evoking. Nice.

19-Aug-2007 22:56:15

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
- Don’t put all description into eyes, you use eyes to describe a person with the Elf King and with Malytryx, (What’s the name, I feel like that asterisk isn’t meant to be there?), and later with Saradomin – there are other things about them you can use to reveal what they’ve been through, or whatever you’re trying to get across. Scars maybe, something like that. Using eyes constantly gets redundant.
- “ready to fall upon the smaller men, elves and dwarves like wolves among sheep.” – That is a nice simile.
- ““Behold! They still bleed!” the King of Varrock yelled out. From his sheath once more his sword was pulled, and beside him the other kings did the same, and as one they commenced yet another charge. The two forces met as a wave meets the rocks of a cliff and the goblin line was broken in two different locations, but the rifts were soon mended.” – Really like that paragraph. It was just smooth, with good vocab, and just made me want to cheer or something. XD

Characters and Development:
- Some background on Gul’dan might be nice, why he is respected by all the kings, how he is involved in the first place.
- I was noticing we don’t know a whole lot about some of the character’s appearances. You’re in my character reviewing class, so you know why I think this is important =P A few words on what Gul’dan looks like, and maybe something to distinguish between the kings would be nice.
- Nice suspense on who is betraying them to the ‘cloaked figure’. It seems like they have a dirty agent – one who’s in on the councils, if they convinced the kings to attack.

19-Aug-2007 22:56:32

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
- It doesn’t feel like they’re developing…or maybe there’s nothing to develop from. We don’t have a good feel for the characters as they are introduced beyond basics, so we can’t see them changing – You could do more with the tension of the battle, perhaps with the orphan from Helenis and the acolyte, whose names I have trouble typing? Before the battle, I mean. It’s a good opportunity to build up character personalities, if we see how the waiting gets to all of them.

Plot/Content:
- You name cities, but where are they? Helenis? Gornakhan? I have a feeling they’re supposed to parallel cities we know of in RS today, but for someone like me who hasn’t played in forever and isn’t too clear on it all, it’s hard to recognize. Maybe in the beginning of the thread you could tell us a little more about these places you’ve invented.
- When they are attacked by the hellhounds, it’s unclear that only their feet are frozen, and they can still move the rest of their bodies.
- I take it you read a lot of fantasy? There are loads of things I’m picking up that seem familiar from books – Drizzt is a creation of RA Salvatore I think…Also reminiscent of LotR.
- Because I noticed your comments on conversation, I agree completely. A story isn’t all action, dialogue is equally important. Just pointing that out.
- I like how everything is building up to this one big battle. It really keeps the tension going.
- I liked that the High Druid died. Killing is always fun, and it’s nice that not all the good guys make it. =)
- “Maly*tryx and Berillynthranox,” – those names must get tiring to type. XD The second one sounds like some sort of chemical. (No offense.)

19-Aug-2007 22:56:48 - Last edited on 19-Aug-2007 22:57:14 by Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
- "Si cestal air shykor. Shi shos o sai mia si toria, eil mi shar si eisi iar sai,” the Elven King said quickly and fluidly.

“Baesia shaer, air mar shi pyli,” the mage answered.” – bravo on keeping that censor-free. XD
- “Maly*tryx paced his room, bored out of his senses. His only companion was Edlenmin, the acolyte from the temple.” Is it just me or did you change the acolyte’s name?
- “Within the courtyard there was a massive fire, slowly heating a gargantuan steel pot. Next to the fire was a roped off area: the exact place, where, by the dwarfs* expert reckoning, where the Zamorackians would re-enter the sunlit world.” – something like that happened in a book, I think. Which one? If you took that idea from one, because it sounds SO familiar.

Organization: It’d be nice if there was a table of contents. I don’t have much else to say, except repeat that it would be nice to have a reference to the cities you’ve created.

Overall: I enjoyed this story a lot. In the beginning it was a little rough, but your improvement is very obvious, especially over a short period of time. This story is gripping, exciting, and extremely well-written. It's nice to see such amazing work from someone who one made fun of us authors =P Anyway, again, I thoroughly enjoyed this, and I think it deserves a mention in the Smeezy Hall of Fame. It's a very nice piece of work, Poller, so keep it up. =)

~ Smeeze ~

19-Aug-2007 22:59:07

[#O2XTB5KNY]

[#O2XTB5KNY]

Posts: 3,924 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey man,

thank you for the awsome story for me to read while im smithing 28k cannon balls O_o :@ ^_^

this story is awsome and i think your engrish teacher would be proud

good luck with finishing the story

~Thatdutchman~
~Leader of the guild of Bored Smithers~
~(not a real guild)~ =p

20-Aug-2007 06:34:58

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for that ^_^

And the main reason for that is that I love having my ego stroked, and since I started getting good reviews and I requested more and more.

And thank you so much for the review Smeeze, it means a lot to recieve positive feedback like that from you. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, but I've had trouble with posting on the forums (Internet timing out?) and thus all I've been able to bump.

And I'm glad I kept you entertained, ThatDutchMan.

31-Aug-2007 21:06:10

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